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  1. #1
    Junior Member
    Join Date
    May 2004
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    15

    second baby fears - am i silly?

    Hey guys... I love the idea of this new forum!
    i have a wonderful 18 month old son who is the absolute love of my life....hubby and i are starting to think that maybe .... just maybe.....should we?
    the idea makes me feel all fuzzy but scared too. I love our son sssooooo much, will i have enough left over for another one? Also, i suffered a really difficult birth which i have mostly forgotten, and then i ended up with post natal depression.... i am worried about this happening again!
    and also, i know being creative is something i can NOT put aside....am i being unreasonable? has anyone else been in this situation? please tell me what you think, or if any of you guys have been in this situation before
    thanks!
    emmie

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  3. #2
    Senior Member
    Join Date
    Apr 2004
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    624
    I can't offer much advice, but I can offer empathy. I have a two-year-old girl, and sometimes mr. lemming and I discuss having another baby. I like the idea, and all my relatives tell me to have another one now so that the two will be close in age. it would be great to have another baby in the house, but there are a lot of things that make me think it would be best to wait: the anxiety I have during pregnancy that something will go wrong, bad memories of my c-section and the recovery, the post-partum depression that was the worst depression I've ever faced, the stress involved with working full-time and watching just ONE kid, and the lack of creative time I have already. also, money issues. plus since the first birth was a c-section I'll have to have a c-section again, and it freaks me out a little, even minor surgery makes me want to update my will and write long sappy letters.

    so I don't think you're being unreasonable. in the end it comes down to your own personal pro/con list. sometimes you just have to let go of what you're afraid of if you want something badly enough. everything usually works itself out in the end.

    I'm not sure if that made sense or not . . . (there are enough cliches in there to last three lifetimes, though, hee. :) )

  4. #3
    Senior Member
    Join Date
    Aug 2004
    Location
    down by the bay
    Posts
    767
    I'm an only child and I love it - except that I've found myself an only child so we'll never be real aunts and uncles. (My cousins are way older than me, so I was still too young to be the aunt of their children.) And there's a difference between being spoiled and being spoiled rotten :)

  5. #4
    Senior Member
    Join Date
    May 2004
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    893
    I think most every mother has a lot of those same thoughts. Especially when you get into a groove, and you can't imagine the "disruption" of starting over again. I definitely thought that. But then, my feeling was that I owed it to my daughter to at least try and give her a sibling.

    I will never forget how emotional I got during my last (second) pregnancy over your first question: how I could possibly love another as much as I loved my firstborn?! All my friends assured me that you just do! And they were right. My daughter was 4 at the time. Now my eldest is nearly 6 and my "baby" is 1-1/2. They play together and love each other so much. It's amazing.

  6. #5
    Senior Member
    Join Date
    Sep 2004
    Posts
    456
    I have an almost three year old and am seven months pregnant with our second and I'll tell you the two pregnancies couldn't be more different. Considering the first ended with 42 hours labor and an almost c-section, I'm hoping it means this one will be easier. Almost everyone you talk to say it's easier with the second, third, etc. On the other hand, my husband's cousin had three babies in 38 months (all singles!) and she said it got harder for her. My take on this is - it's called LABOR! I don't think there is such thing as "easy."

    You're definitly not being unreasonable about wanting to keep your creativity alive. It's great being mommy, but I think most mothers need something else to ward off burn-out. Plus, I use my daughter as my model a lot, so we sort of do it together. And there's stuff we do together that's crafty and she loves it.

    The love issue I'm currently struggling with. I think our daughter is the most adorable, lovable, smart, creative, fun child I know and I worry about holding the second up to a standard he/she may not be able to fulfill. This is so bad, but I worry about being disappointed that we decided to have another child. I know it wasn't done on purpose, but my brothers and I were treated slightly differently because of what we could, couldn't and were willing to do. My daughter is adjusting well to the baby so far. She calls him/her "our baby" and talks to him/her every day. I hope she doesn't feel abandoned when he/she comes to live with us.

    Anyway, take your time. Wait until you guys are really ready. I know a lot of families had their children close and have good luck with that, but I am glad we waited two years because now number one is potty-trained and she does a lot of things on her own and she can help me with a lot of things. Good luck with your decision!

  7. #6
    Senior Member
    Join Date
    Dec 2004
    Posts
    363
    On the "Will I have enough love" front...

    When I was pregnant with my second child, my first was about 10 months old (they are 18 months apart, I think I am doing the math right). I would cry myself to sleep at night over this fear. Would I be able to love this child just as much as I love the one right next to me? Will I accidentally love the new one more? How can my baby not be the center of the world?

    Well, some how, magic, motherhood, just plain what happened...I love them equally and fully and completely and they both (including their new baby brother) are the center of my world.

    Now, as far as the pregancy being difficult...

    My first pregnancy was super easy...my second was the difficult one..my third, nothing to it. They are all different.

    You should write down all of your pro's and con's about having another child and weigh it all out heavily. You and your husband will be able to come up with the right decision!

  8. #7
    Senior Member
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    May 2004
    Location
    Colorado
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    It's more than possible to love both! Even though this little bun in the oven is my first I think the love just knows where to go. I know my mother happily suffered through 3 of us and did not EVER show preference! I know she wanted to strangle each of us at one point or another, but I never felt that she loved my baby sister or older brother more than me. My sister and I are three years apart, and I remember being confused about the new baby and the attention, but I was included in caring for her. I remember getting the diapers out, sitting next to mom and sis while she was breastfeeding and talking about how babies eat. I helped feed her when she went to solids and I was there when she took her first steps.

    Like I said, your love just may know where to go, but keeping your son involved as much as possible could help him to know that you love him as much as you did before. Plus he could get the big boy feeling since he's helping mommy take care of little sis/brother.

    I just plan on doing it the way my mom did, because I don't have any hard feelings.

    Jennjitsu

  9. #8
    Member
    Join Date
    Feb 2005
    Location
    Waco, TX
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    66
    I wouldn't worry too much--there's a different dynamic with each kid. Your relationship with them individually will be different. I'm a second child myself, and my brother and I are almost polar opposites. Seriously. The only thing we have in common is a last name--we're both adopted, so we don't even have the same genes!--but my parents love us both equally and have basically let us become our own people. AND, not to worry, my mom still did plenty of crafty stuff with two kids in the house (although, as a disclaimer, my brother's almost nine years older than me).

  10. #9
    Senior Member
    Join Date
    Feb 2005
    Location
    yay area
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    Re: second baby fears - am i silly?

    Quote Originally Posted by emmie
    Hey guys... I love the idea of this new forum!
    i have a wonderful 18 month old son who is the absolute love of my life....hubby and i are starting to think that maybe .... just maybe.....should we?
    the idea makes me feel all fuzzy but scared too. I love our son sssooooo much, will i have enough left over for another one? Also, i suffered a really difficult birth which i have mostly forgotten, and then i ended up with post natal depression.... i am worried about this happening again!
    and also, i know being creative is something i can NOT put aside....am i being unreasonable? has anyone else been in this situation? please tell me what you think, or if any of you guys have been in this situation before
    thanks!
    emmie
    when my son was 10 months old, we were surprised to suddenly be expecting a baby girl, who is now almost one. it was a very scary idea - i wanted another, but not so soon. i was afraid that they'd miss out on getting to be THE baby. but they love each other so much and have a ball together. of course, they have their ups and downs, but they love each other so much already. they will always have a playmate, which is leaving me free for working on my many projects. will surely drive each other crazy in later years, but they will always have a great bond from being so close. i didn't have any relatives close in age and lived in an area with few to no kids my age so i think they are very lucky to have a sibling to play with. surely they'll be more social and outgoing than i am because of this - - in fact, my son already is!

    i had a friend who was an only child, as was her husband. after their first, they, too, were questioning having another for the same reasons you expressed. they now have three and no regrets.

  11. #10
    Junior Member
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    Apr 2005
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    nc
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    1
    Hi! I am the mommy of not two but three little ones, ages 4 and 3 and three months. All pregnancies were so different...I had postpartum depression with #2, but not with #s 1 and 3. And I thought labor would be a breeze on #3, but that was the hardest one! (My second rocked, though, and if you so choose, then I send positive birthy thoughts to you!) I love, love, love all my children, so much...it's amazing how different they all are! They're being raised pretty much the same way, by the same parents, but you'd never know. Their special qualities and the fact that, by gosh, they're our babies, makes them soooo easy to love.
    My biggest complaint in the world is one of your fears, and that's that I have NOOOO time in the world to do anything creative at all. I used to paint and do all this elaborate stuff and now I feel tremendous and accomplished if I can cut out a few felt things and stick them on a card. Then, if I get the card mailed out, I am just amazing. But that doesn't happen too much. HOWEVER, my situation is this: I live in a town where I don't know anyone but my spouse and kids, and have no family nearby. If your situation is different, and I hopes it is, then you shouldn't be feeling so lowly. And I just keep thinking positive thoughts, because I know they'll all be in school within a few years and I'll be able to take back maybe just a little of my time. It will certainly have been worth it.
    Best wishes to you!!!
    Yours,
    Sarah


 
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