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  1. #11
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    Would you feel worse having an affair without his permission?

    If not, it would be nice to inform him you'll be having one - just in case he decides again to pop the pills, you will be exposing him to whatever diseases you expose yourself to, and he has a right to be informed of that.

    Can you slip him the pills? Also - do you have someone already in mind to have this affair with?

    Is the rest of the marriage really worth staying around? Maybe I'm silly but I think love should overcome not being horny - sometimes we all have to do things we aren't excited to do to please our partners. Who really enjoys scrubbing toilets or emptying gutters, right?

    Alternate game plan: have a D battery affair, right in front of him, right next to him in bed. Watch porn when he's around, turn up the volume if he runs away. Or wake him with oral sex, that might spark his interest.

    Actually, I wouldn't be surprised if he has been sexually assaulted if he's afraid of counseling.

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  3. #12
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    Jul 2004
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    Clifton Gaslight
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    This thread makes me feel so much better. My boyfriend and I have been going through this problem for 4 years. Sometimes I feel like we aren't even a couple anymore. I know we love eachother, but when the intimacy is not there, it seems like I have a male roommate or something. Sometimes I feel like leaving him, but I love him so much. I could never do the fling thing though. It has gotten worse in the past five months. I am going to wait out the summer since we are both in school, and if things don't look up I actually might consider leaving him.

  4. #13
    Senior Member
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    Feb 2005
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    Rochester, NY
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    Yeah, Sabriel...I've felt like my DH is my roomie too. He's a big teddy bear, though! I know it's not his fault that he doesn't feel like being intimate. I just wish he'd take my concerns more seriously, since I've talked to him a zillion times over a zillion different ways to try to get him to understand how much this impacts our relationship. SIGH. It seems like a losing battle in this house! But I know he loves me and I DO love him. But I don't think I'll be doing the friends with benefits or any other kind of fling for a while. Me and DH would like one last child, so I'll have to be the one madly persuing my dearest when we're ready! LOL!!

  5. #14
    Junior Member
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    Jul 2005
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    New York, NY
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    So what happens if you have a fling because things are on the rocks at home, and then you realize you want to be with Mr. Fling, but you still love and want to be with your partner, too. I wonder, is it possible to really have feelings for a fling, or are those "feelings" born out of frustration with the rocky relationship. I think flings might be too complicated for me...

  6. #15
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    Rochester, NY
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    I suppose it depends on the nature of the fling. I've known my Mr. Fling since I was 12 yrs. old, so we're actually long-time friends. My feelings for him are there because we've been friends for so long. Even though we have disagreements once in a while, we remain friends no matter what. Our last conversation was smoothing over our misunderstandings, and he made it very clear to me that no matter what, he does not want to lose touch with me...or lose my friendship either. That was the 1st time he ever actually admitted that it would seriously bum him out to lose me. And here I was getting all ticked-off at him b/c he wouldn't tell me what was going on. I told him prior to this that I wouldn't get so crazy-upset, thereby effectively pushing him further away, if he would just be honest and tell me exactly where we stand. I don't know why people have such a hard time w/ the concept of being honest with someone when they ask you point-blank to tell you. But anyway, there it is. Now I know.

  7. #16
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    Sep 2004
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    Fabulous Brooklyn!
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    18
    Before you hop onto the emotional trauma and possible permanent relationship damage of the fling circus, I would suggest making it very clear to the Mr. that this is a big deal.

    I was having a similar problem with my not-yet husband, and I can say I was definitely losing my mind. And we went through the phases of me always initiating, and the rejection, and the sort of "we're always too tired" shrug off and whatthefuckever else people say to shrug off big problems. What worked was the following speech, which I suggest you try:

    Sit down and listen to me. This no-sex is not ok. Get it? Not ok. Very bad. I'm losing my mind. I love you and I want to be close to you and it fucks with my brain and it fucks with me body that you won't. WE MUST SOLVE THIS PROBLEM. I walk down the street and wonder if I can get this guy or that guy or the other guy to fuck me. I look through my address book and wonder what calls I could make. I daydream of my ex-boyfriends. I CANNOT LIVE LIKE THIS. I don't know the answer. I'm willing to compromise for something inbetween sex with you every 20 minutes, which is what I want right now, and sex with you every 20 years, which seems to be what you're looking for. I'm willing to work with you and whatever we need: books, counselors, doctors. I've already tried lots of ways of talk and action and I'm at the end of my rope. IT'S YOUR TURN. IT IS YOUR TURN TO MAKE SUGGESTIONS FOR A SOLUTION AND PUT SOME GODDAMN WORK INTO THIS BEFORE I ADMIT MYSELF TO A MENTAL INSTITUTION SO I CAN START FUCKING THE INTERNS.

    He apologized, he tried the make the "but I don't know what to do about it" face, and I just stood my ground with the "I will eat no more bullshit" look. He was crushed, he was terrified. That I would leave, that I really was crazy (which I was), that I would start sleeping with other men. I made it clear with words AND action that I was ready to be responsive and helpful with whatever he wanted to try to get us back into an intimate groove. I said "Thanks so much, it means a lot me, that was a really great" every time it was appropriate.

    We still sometimes go through phases when I'm up for more than he is, but with this in our background, it's easier to get past the emotional stuff and on to the physical. If that means he gives me a sweet kiss and buys me toys to entertain myself because he's not up to it, that's okay. I have the acknowledgement that he loves me, that he considers my sexual fulfillment to be a joint obligation. He feels like he can do something that will be helpful and allieviate the pressure even when he's not up for the act. AND we can both trust from past experience that it's temporary.

    I guess I just don't think it's fair to hint around and get frustrated and go outside of your relationship. If you make it clear how important it is, and are really willing to work with him, then you've put it in his court, and you've been fair. Don't let either one of you whine about it, either - I think whining is the leading cause of non-medical impotence.

    GOOD LUCK! I know how hard it is!

  8. #17
    Senior Member
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    May 2004
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    375
    Maybe I shouldn't speak up, but honestly, it sounds like having a "fling" would just make things worse.
    All that does is enable your spouse to continue thier behavior, because you're validating it. By giving up and going outside of the marriage, you're basically saying okay, I give up, and I'm done trying to work with you.

  9. #18
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    Feb 2005
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    Rochester, NY
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    I understand the feelings on the subject perfectly. Everyone has to deal with it in the way that they can handle. I make no excuses for what is going on..this is not something I would ever have imagined doing. In my perfect world, my DH SHOWS me how much he loves and adores me. But it's not perfect...and he has depression...and I'm tired of fighting it. We've been together 13 years. How many more years do I have to cry, scream, be the one to always initiate, reason with, be angry, etc., etc.

  10. #19
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    Oh yeah...and I DID make it perfectly clear to him....several times...that this situation was unbearable, unacceptable, etc. I don't pretend to understand depression. But it's kind of a damned if he doesn't take meds, and a damned if he does. I did have one of my friends explain to me just how much depression meds turn off one's sexual drive, so now at least I understand that part. I can't force my DH to go to his doc to get his meds changed. I CAN talk to his doc on my own w/ my concerns, since my DH hasn't been able to impart to his doc just how much this has affected our relationship. At any rate, my memory is a bit fuzzy, but I do believe I told my DH that I had cheated on him....I was still hyper-thyroid at the time, so I can't be clear on that one. He has never brought it up with me...ever. We get along well in every other way-he's a good guy. But I'll be damned if I'm going to spend my whole marriage going over this one issue with him over and over. After 13 years, it hasn't been resolved to my satisfaction.....and probably never will.

  11. #20
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    Northern California
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    Sewlittletime, i totally understand your need to be sexually satisfied, but as a person with depression who takes antidepressants, i also understand your husband's side of things.

    sometimes, with antidepressants, having your sex drive taken away is the best side-effect to choose from. all antidepressants have side effects, you just have to find one that has side effects you can live with. personally, i'll take my Effexor and have a crappy sex drive over taking Wellbutrin and being suicidal or Prozac and grinding my teeth down to nubs AND being suicidal.

    if you have deression, finding an antidepressant that allows you to just get out of bed in the morning can be worth not having a sex drive. it's not acceptable that he's not willing to work with you on the issue, but as someone with the opposite problem (i have no sex drive, my boyfriend does) i know that i wouldn't be in a relationship with someone who couldn't work with me on that issue.

    anyways, just food for thought.


 
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