marital sex question

[illybang]

sewlittletime and fairgreenlady...
i'm not attacking or condemning you, but i am curious (i just wanted to say that as a disclaimer, so you wouldn't respond too defensively)
but... if you're sleeping with another man, why are you still with your hubby?
i'm not trying to get on a moral pedestal, just trying to understand your reasoning...

[Craft Forums]

[Sewlittletime]

Oh, I know you're not attacking Illybang...
I can't speak for anyone else, but my husband is a super good guy. He is very kind, responsible, has a nice mom, is a good dad (although a bit too permissive), has great wit, and I am able to be a SAHM and he's happy with it, and he's super smart so I learn a lot from him. To me it's not worth it to divorce him. We don't fight. Hell, I don't even get all pissy since I've been stable on my thyroid meds, so it's rather peaceful in this house. We just don't get into a big conflict over this issue. It's been done to death already. We'd both rather keep the peace.

[fairgreenlady]

Why am I still with him? Because it is much easier to replace a lover than a father, and my kids deserve better than a weekend dad. He refuses to get help, refuses even to find out if his problems are physical or psychological. I still have needs. He's unwilling to help me with regard to any affection other than a backrub now and then or the obligatory peck on the lips before he leaves for work.

And wow! I was on Effexor and it didn't change my sex drive one bit. I thought that was a benefit to Effexor over other drugs--it didn't have the sexual side effect. Perhaps I'm mistaken, as Stella felt a change.

Life isn't ALL about sex, but I'm not willing to give it up just yet. I'm only 37, afterall. And I've been in a sexless marriage for most of the past 8 years. I'm crying FOUL! I know it was my choice, but I feel tricked. We had a decent sex life before we married, then as soon as I said "I do," the sex stopped. Yes, it was that sudden. Took 10 days to consummate our marriage. Always an excuse on his part. ALWAYS. I thought I'd been pretty patient, but when he finally stated outloud that he didn't care if he ever had sex again, that was the push over the precipice that made me plunge into an affair.

[gothamhoosier]

I completely understand that it's so much easier to stay with someone than leave them, and the more time you spend together and more intertwined your lives get, the harder it is to separate. I don't have kids yet, so I can't even imagine throwing that factor into the mix. The fact is, I love my partner, but I am not feeling sexually satisfied and I think it is part of a much bigger issue. And I've met someone who I am very attracted to, but I don't know if I can do it. But I also don't know if I can spend the rest of my life in a passionless relationship. But I would lose my entire way of life if I leave him. Sigh...I am glad I'm not the only one with feelings like this!

[stella]

fairgreenlady, i think it's just that different antidepressants affect people differently. i'm sure most people don't become batshit fucking nuts on Wellbutrin, either ;) i was put on Effexor because i already tend towards rapid weight changes, and it doesn't tend to make people gain weight as much as the other drug they were talking about (i don't remember which one).

[raynstarr]

Okay, I am very interested in this topic, though I need to steer it in another direction. I am 6 mo preggers and I have a great hubby, but he is so not interested in sex durring the pregnancy! Help! I am totally at a loss! We had a very nice sex life (not all the time crazy or anything, but very healthy) and now even when I totally seduce him I get nothing! I know is psychological, but we've talked about how it's not going to hurt the baby, the baby doesn't know, blah blah. I don't know what else to do, I do not want to go to counseling, it's just so humiliating, and makes me very physically selfconcious (ie SO NOT SEXY!)

[fairgreenlady]

Raynstarr--just do what you need to do because this is mostly how our non-sex life started, or at least when it became apparent that his excuses in the past were just excuses!

After I conceived baby #1, I had to beg him to have sex in a Vegas hotel room. That was it until the baby was born and for 10 months after! I thought we finally talked out our problems, but after we conceived #2, it was 1.5 years before we had sex again, and that was more like a homework assignment from the marriage counselor I forced him to see.

Go to a counselor, even if he doesn't go. It may help your self esteem in the meantime until he can get over whatever he's going thru, if he ever does.

[raynstarr]

I appreciate your response, but that is really discouraging. I guess this is the first time in my life when I haven't felt confident about my body, even though I am loving being pregnant, I'm just worried about afterwards, you know? Like, will he ever look at me the same? It's not like he's a gorgeous hunk or anything, and I think he's actually struggled with his self esteem, but I feel that I've been very accepting and appreciative and I don't know why he can't just do the same for me!

[fairgreenlady]

Yes, I know I did not give a very supportive answer. I just gave you my advice based on my personal experience. I certainly never thought I'd be in this situation.

[delqc]

The fact is, I love my partner, but I am not feeling sexually satisfied and I think it is part of a much bigger issue. And I've met someone who I am very attracted to, but I don't know if I can do it. But I also don't know if I can spend the rest of my life in a passionless relationship. But I would lose my entire way of life if I leave him. Sigh...I am glad I'm not the only one with feelings like this!

I'm reading your guys' postings and, I definitely see part of your point. I can't imagine tying the knot with the Special Boy to have him suddenly cross his legs and say, "Nuh-uh!" I would feel totally betrayed - especially if that happened while I was carrying our child (when I suspect I would need extra luvin' and encouragement!).

I have no problems with an open marriage if that's what both couples know is the deal and agree to - but I personally think dishonesty is a bad, bad scene. I think if you have to be dishonest to maintain your relationship, then "relationship" is a pretty generous term for hte arrangement and it might be best for everyone involved to move on. "Moving on" might include having an open marriage - but that's a decision a couple should make together, not one member unilaterally for both.

I think your own sexual satisfaction is no one's responsibility but your own. It is not Special Boy's job to make me happy - sure he can help and his help is much appreciated, but it's my job to look after me. I don't think it would be fair of me to expect him to always provide 100% of my sexual satisfaction, just like he doesn;t have to cook all the meals or do all of the cleaning. It's a partnership. And, if I'm tired or out of sorts or not into sex, he can look after himself, thanks.

THat said, if the coupledom part of our sex life was suddenly just obliberated, I would have great issue with that. And if it couldn't be resolved, I think I would either choose to be in a sexless partnership, or leave. I don't think I would ever sneak around and have an affair. And if it were me who was disinterested in sex, I would rather end my relationship and be co-parents or friends rather than have an open relationship or have the Special Boy sneak around behind my back.

While I was reading your posts it occured to me to think about how it would read if it were a man writing ... just imagine:

Hey there - John here - I wonder what I you think of my problem ... I've been married for 10 years. My wife and I used to have a really vibrant and loving sex life - but after our first year of marriage things just kind of went cold. Now she just never wants to put out. She says it's because she's tired - yoiu know, her job, the kids, she always has a headache or needs to sleep or there is some other reason ... but now I've met someone else and am considering having an affair. I'm very attracted to this new woman, and I really would like to satisfy my sex drive some way other than alone in the shower. I really think it's unfair of my wife to deny me access to sexual satisfaction, don't you? I don't want to leave my wife - my kids deserve a full-time mother, and really she needs me to support her so that she can be a stay-at-home mom. That's cool with me, but I need some luvin too ... Don't you think my affair is justified? DOn't you think I deserve a little sauce on the side?

I do like ambelina's brutal honesty approach - but I find the dishonest fooling around, well, dishonest. There's an increased risk of STDs, there's an increased risk of an additional child in the family with a different set of parents. And I'm very uncomfortable with the other side of the argument, that it should be ok for a man to have an affair if his wife was uninterested with sex for a period of time. I would rather have the Special Boy leave me honestly than fool around on me - I find that to be the ultimate betrayal of trust. In marriage vows, I think most people do agree to "you to the exclusion of all others," but I'm not aware of any vow that says, "You to the exclusion of all others, unless you stop putting out!"

Of course everyone's situation is totally different, everyone's relationship is different, and I respect that too ...

delqc