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  1. #31
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    May 2005
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    I agree, having an affair would just make me feel terrible about myself. I also feel that sex can't be selfish. I mean, of course I know it CAN, but I never find it satisfying, that's not the point of sex. It's to share myself and be open with my husband, and also to make him happy and satisfied. Maybe that's why I guess I take it personally when he doesn't want it!

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  3. #32
    Senior Member
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    Apr 2005
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    State College, PA
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    For me it's beyond sex. There is no intimacy. None. We have fought over this and fought over this. He won't hold my hand at the movies, if I can get him out of the house to go! No kissing other than a peck. Nothing. When I have initiated sex, he turns me down. But he claims I'm the one with the problem. THAT helps, yeah, buddy!

    Call me shallow, but I like attention from men. I don't require it, but it is nice. Since hub is unwilling, I'm open to flirting online, a wink in the grocery store, a cup of coffee at the bookstore...great boost for my self esteem since I have been rejected constantly for years at home.

    And having him tell me he only has so much love to give and he's giving it all to the kids right now isn't encouraging, ya think?

  4. #33
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    Jul 2005
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    New York, NY
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    Quote Originally Posted by raynstarr
    I also feel that sex can't be selfish. I mean, of course I know it CAN, but I never find it satisfying, that's not the point of sex. It's to share myself and be open with my husband, and also to make him happy and satisfied.
    I do agree with this on many levels, but on others I feel that sex IS and should be a selfish, personal thing sometimes. Yes, it is a very important, perhaps the most important, way to connect with a loving partner, but it is also a reflection of how we view ourselves as people, and as women. I found that I couldn't really be initmate with my partner until I let myself accept the guilty, selfish side of sex. Nothing weird, just I always used to feel sort of bad if I enjoyed it. Then I finally let go and realized it was ok for me to initiate and to want it.
    Now, with the spark gone and me feeling like I always have to initiate but not getting anywhere, I feel guilty about it all over again. And the truth is, that makes me pretty angry and makes me not want to do it with him anyway. I think I deserve a healthy sex life and it's ok to be a little selfish about it. So then I find myself desperately attracted to this other guy, and I think a huge part of even having the attraction is me acting out. I think that's what most affairs are, when it comes down to it. Sure, it's to take care of your own needs, but isn't it also to hurt someone who hurt you really badly?

  5. #34
    Junior Member
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    May 2005
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    17
    hmmm, I see what you are saying, but for me, it was a while before I actually enjoyed sex with my DH. It took time and patience before we were on the right wave together. It was frustrating at first, because we both really wanted to please the other person but it took me what felt like forever before I could climax. Sure, I was selfish, but that just made not only sex, but the relationship more messed up too. I guess after we delt with those things together I thought our sex problems were solved!

    We are still snuggly, and he's very sweet and loves to tease me, but I just miss that passion that we had. I know he doesn't mean to hurt me, and that I can make him feel like dirt for not meeting my needs, but again that's just going to throw the relationship off, and I really need support and intimacy right now! *pregnant sob*

  6. #35
    Senior Member
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    Feb 2005
    Location
    Rochester, NY
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    822
    Raynstarr~ I can remember being totally crazy with horniness during that 2nd trimester. During my 1st pregnancy I literally attacked my husband on a regular basis! And then I one night I just started cracking up, because my belly was so round, it was starting to make things difficult. To my husband's credit, he had a sense of humor about the whole thing and didn't take it personally.
    I wish I could give you some suggestions that might work, but I've obviously exhausted all my options an don't feel qualified to offer anything remotely helpful in that respect!
    Hmmmm.....2nd trimester horniness + a sexy nightie? Sounds like a pretty good start to me! Add in your own temptations and you might just get him so hot he'll be begging for more!

  7. #36
    Member
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    Mar 2005
    Location
    St. Louis
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    57
    fairgreenlady-I've been following your story for a few weeks and am wondering how things are going. My hubby is a social worker, and after I filled in him on the details, he said "divorce!" Among social workers, they say that women should not stay with unsatisfying men just for the kids. The mom can be a better person if she is happy.
    So, how are things?
    (I'm from Bucks County!)

  8. #37
    Senior Member
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    Apr 2005
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    State College, PA
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    Things are actually a little better. We're working on it, but slowly. I ordered a few books from amazon.com, including Sexual Anorexia and 2 about rekindling the flame, one by Michele Weiner-Davis and the other I cannot recall.

    Delving into sewing and trying to get this craft business off the ground helps keep me distracted at other times.

  9. #38
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    Mar 2005
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    St. Louis
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    Great! I'm glad to hear that! I'll keep my fingers crossed for you!

  10. #39
    Junior Member
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    Aug 2005
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    oh my god! i read the whole of this thread and cried. this is exactly the situation i'm in right now. the start of my partner's & i's realtionship was amazing sex-wise and now its getting worse & worse.
    it started when he was working double shifts - 'always too tired', which is understandable. Then he came up with the excuse that sex was better when there was longer intervals in-between, as it was more intense then. i accepted all of this because I love him.
    then we started to try for a baby and he said that it was because there was too much pressure on him to 'perform' at the right time of the month.
    now that i'm pregnant (4 motnhs) the excuse is that it might hurt the baby.
    i don't know what to do - i'm at my wit's end. i've tried talking to him about it so many times. he says there's nothing wrong with our sex life. i've tried to explain that I don't think its normal to only have sex every 1-2 months. when i bring up the subject he just gets mad and makes me feel guilty & even worse than before.
    everytime i try initiate sex he pushes me away and says no.
    this is really beginning to screw with my sense of self, self esteem etc.
    .. feels so good to get this off my chest :) i know he loves me - he's kind, thoughtful, treats me well in every other way - he just doesn't seem to want to have sex with me.

  11. #40
    Senior Member
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    Apr 2005
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    State College, PA
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    212
    I feel for you, ettienn, I truly do. I agree with you that it is not normal to have sex once every 1-2 months. Hub just says we're on the low side of the scale to balance out the people who have it every day. HA! Since we've had sex once this YEAR, his argument does not hold up.

    I was particularly randy during pregnancy, but that seemed to be the real turning point of his lack of desire for us. I wish you well, and hope that you can get some resolution on the matter so that you are both satisfied (pun intended).


 
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