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Thread: marital sex question

  1. #41
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    I have a related, though somewhat different problem. My voy is interested in sex, but often he will lose his "concentration" (thats what he says) or something will distract him and things wont get off the ground. Often this happens because something I do, or he thinks I'm feeling messes him up. This makes me very self concious and has made sex stressful and not much fun for me. This makes things worse of course. Now it is affecting my sex drive because I don't want to go through dealing with it. I dont know how to talk to him because I'm afraid pressure will make things worse.

    Has anyone else had this type of problem and have advise to share?

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  3. #42
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    thanks fairgreenlady - its comforting in a way to know there's other people around having the same troubles. thanks for making me feel like I'M not the one with the problem. .. because thats the way my husband makes me feel.
    I really hope you can sort everything out too.

  4. #43
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    chem, pressure will definitely make that worse. And it sounds like this needs to be discussed with a doctor or therapist. They can help the most.

    When you do have sex and he gets distracted...does everything turn tense and stressful? one thing you can try is to not make a big deal about it, laugh it off and start over, however long it takes :) It's happened to me even, and it takes a minute to get everything going again, but it (mostly) always does.

    ettienn: it sounds like your husband has problems with desire. Something I go through every once in a while. You tend to make excuses (knowingly or not) that relate to what's going on right then (pregnancy, a lot of work). For me the lack of desire was just as painful as it was for my husband. It's not like I didn't want to have sex with him, my body just wasn't working right I guess. I just didn't feel it. I felt fine not having sex. My problem comes every once in a while, and doesn't last long, so I haven't seen a doctor or anything. but maybe it would help since he gets mad when you bring it up (if you can get him to go). He probably feels like it's an attack on him, and it shouldn't be. It might work better if you could somehow treat it as a separate thing, so the problem's disconnected to him as a man (or what a "man" is supposed to be).

  5. #44
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    I remember a caller to Dr. Laura who said she was never in the mood to have sex, and it was affecting her marriage and making her husband angry (and I sure understand that!)

    Dr. Laura: Is he a bad lover?
    Caller: Oh, no, he is a good lover.
    Dr. Laura: Do you feel bad when it's over?
    Caller: No, I usually feel good, actually.
    Dr. Laura: Does it please your husband?
    Caller: Yes.
    Dr. Laura: So what exactly is the problem?

    Sometimes it is hard to get started, get the mind cleared, get into the mood, but if I had a husband willing to take the time to GET me in the mood...I'd be one happy fairgreenlady!

  6. #45
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    Thought I'd chime in here. I hear a lot of frustration (justified).

    DH and I went through a really bad time these past 2 years - I was suicidal after losing two grandmothers I was close to, and then my first baby (I've since lost a second baby, but I'm off the meds at least). The antidepressants do damp your sex drive. Especially at the high doses they give to people who are suicidal ;)

    DH and I had therapy together as part of my suicide/depression thing, and our therapist used parts of the book "the dance of anger" and 'the dance of intimacy". Basically a relationship is a see saw. If one partner is pushing, the other is retreating, and if the see saw is tipped up in either direction = bad thing. No matter your situation - pregnancy, a lackluster DH, a DH on meds, GET HELP>

    we see a cognitive behavioral therapist (he's not a sit on the couch and vent sorta guy, it's active therapy). It's been great, and we have a much stronger marriage even though we still don't have a lot of sex.

    Ann

  7. #46
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    well .. my little update .. my situation hasn't improved at all. its gotten to the point where I can't even get a hug now. I'm 9 months pregnant and i'm just kicking myself with thinking 'what the hell am I doing bringing a child into this relationship'. But its too late now.
    I've tried discussing our problems with him so many times that i've given up because, according to him, there are no problems. my relationship consists of no sex and no intimacy at all.

  8. #47
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    Ettienn~
    I'm so sorry things haven't improved for you! I can only imagine how frustrating and depressing this must be with your little one on the way.

    My situation hasn't improved much either. My DH at least gives me pecks again. But that hardly makes up for the lack of intimacy! To tell the truth, I really have no desire for him anymore.
    I still see my friend once in a while, and that satisfies the need for intimacy. Not that I'm recommending this to everyone out there! It's NOT the way I want it to be. But neither am I going to sit around while my sexual needs fade into the background.
    I know after years fo dealing with this, many would wonder why I don't just leave. It's not that simple. I'm NOT staying because of the kids. I was very ill just a year and a half ago, and it has taken time for my whole body to heal. The added stress of leaving wouldn't have helped that one iota. Because of my illness, I decided to quit my job and focus on getting well, so I have no moolah of my own. I have only a high school degree, which doesn't get me much in the way of a salary, and I am not so ill that I could apply for SSD. Financially I'm stuck right now.
    I'm working hard to feel as well as I can, so I can go forward with plans to become more self-sufficient.
    It's so hard to explain to those who haven't experienced my particular illness (auto immune thyroid disorder). But I am realizing now that I feel better, that I may have been affected by slightly askew thyroid problems as far back as my teens, maybe even earlier, and no one ever knew. And let me tell you folks, as strange as it sounds, when your thyroid is f**ked up, your whole body, including your mental processes are affected. I can see now, how over time, my mind had slowly gone from a person who had panic attacks occasionally,lost focus, was overpsensitive to other's comments, turned into full-blown symptoms mimicking depression and panic disorder.
    I'm off on a tangent again......
    I'm just saying, it's easy to say "Why don't you just leave?". But for ME, the stress of doing so could undue my hard work in getting well. The stress of THIS relationship would be nothing compared to working out how I would support myself. That's how it has to be right now.
    Eh...I know that didn't help anyone else, but there it is.

  9. #48
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    I'm so sorry! I hope you both find happiness and comfort, whichever way your pathes lead.

    i'm not married, but i just got out of a 2 year relationship. it was very sexual, but not affectionate. if that makes sense. he never walked toward me to hug me or kiss me. except for pecks goodbye. he didn't hold my hand or put his arm around me. in public no one would even know we were a couple. i'm not into pub. displays of affection, and i'm not overly demonstrative or anything trust me. and i'm very laid back about things. but the only time he reached for me was in bed. so as a result i was looking for things in the sex. by that i mean, if we didn't that night or for so many days or weeks then there was a problem! oh no!
    i don't know, i wasn't happy with it. and now that i'm single i at least have a chance of finding the type of relationship that would be satisfying to me. that one definately wasn't it.
    i guess i'm responding because i'm of an age now that i realize how important intimacy and a show of affection is in a relationship. it's all so complicated having someone else in your life. what are the chances i'll find someone that it's "just right" with????

  10. #49
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    Hi ladies. Me again, the OP. Since Ettienn chimed in with an update, I thought I'd post, too.

    Ett: I'm sorry thing are not better. Being 9 months pregnant does not help, either! If you are lucky, you will have an affectionate baby, and s/he will go a long way in meeting your touch needs. I absolutely don't mean that in a sexual way--just that some people need that human touch more than others in some form or another. My first child (turns 5 next month) was and still is very snuggly, so when I feel the need for some human contact, he is usually more than willing to have a good 5-10 min snuggle fest on the sofa. More often than not, it's how we start the day when he pads down the hallway and gets into my bed in the mornings. Let me reiterate, this is not sexual touching, it's just hugging and cuddling, which gives us both the human touch we need and want. My second son is definitely not a huggy/snuggly baby, so it is a personality trait that you have or you don't.

    Having said that, if things don't improve by about 6 months post partum, I would recommend counseling for yourself. You can't change him, but you can change how you react to him or you can figure out how to fill your needs in other ways. For me, I started to concentrate my creative energies on my business. Now I'm so busy, I don't contemplate how he's ignorning me. I just do my own thing. Not exactly building a relationship, but it beats feeling angry about something I cannot change.

    Things are slightly better between my husband and me. He definitely sensed that I had pulled away for the last time and even off-handedly remarked that he knew I would leave him one day. He's been better about attempting to be sexual, but has not made much progress in showing intimate behavior.

    Just know that IT'S NOT YOU who has the problem, but you might need help figuring out how to deal with it since he refuses to acknowledge the fact.

    Good luck!

  11. #50
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    Raynstarr - There is a strange thing that happens to some men when a women gets pregnant. I think it may be related to the "Madonna / Whore" complex. Guys feel they can get down and dirty with their "bad girl" but once she gets pregnant they start to associate motherhood with their mother They don't want to think that thier mother would have sex or even more disterbing to them they don't want to have sex with their mother. Somehow the synapses associate motherhood with their "Mommy". Wives could be just as sexy to them but the association creeps them out. You may want to talk to your sweety about this. Or you could become the "bad girl" again, by blind folding and tieing him up and talking dirty to him. It may or may not work, who knows.

    I warned my husband that I had been in a relationship where we only had sex once every other month and that if our relationship ended up like that he can't expect me not to have sex just because he didn't want it. Now, I'm not one to cheat. I'm too afraid of STD's and I have a moral problem with lying. Unfortunately, I've finally reached my sexual peak and I'm back to the same relationsip I had before - once every other month. Part of the reason I got married was so I could have a steady, safe lover. So I can sympothize with the women who wish to cheat. Luckily, my husband is very affectionate (sometimes overly so) just no sex drive. Maybe it is just no initiative. I've never been able to find a lover that was romantic and passionate at the same time.

    In my earier, less paraniod years, I had several open relationships. The funny thing was, if my primary lovers were aware that I was with someone else they became more passionate. That makes at least one bonus to discussing the idea of an open relationship rather than just cheating. Another is there would not be a guilt issue if everyone was in the know. And third, you can't get caught. Fourth, you have someone to take care of the munchkins when you go out on a date. };-)

    One thing to remember, Herpes and HPV (genital warts) are not likely to be prevented with a condom. Condoms have only been shown to be 80% effective to prevent pregnancy:they have not often been tested to see the effectiveness against STDs. Using one helps but don't think it is fool proof. If you have sex with anyone, you have had sex with everyone they have had sex with, and, if you are having an affair on the side, that lover is unlikely to be monogomous with you; why should they?

    Tomico


 
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