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Thread: marital sex question

  1. #61
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    My opinion is it is your spouse's duty, once married, to do his best to take care of your needs in that department, and vice versa for that matter.

    I have religious reason to expect it, and see consistancy in this department as the best way to have a happy, healthy marriage without having to worry about infidelity. My husband has issues now and then, too, but it's never gone more than 2 weeks.

    The way I see it, if I wanted to live with a man I loved very dearly but didn't want to do that sort of thing with, I might as well move in with a good friend, not get married. Having a permanent sexual partner was part of the deal.

    "The wife hath not power of her own body, but the husband: and likewise also the husband hath not power of his own body, but the wife.

    Defraud ye not one the other, except it be with consent for a time, that ye may give yourselves to fasting and prayer; and come together again. . ."

    -1 Corinithians 7:5-6

    Of course, there is a certain amount of give and take to it. I go out of my way to make sure he has fun in this capacity. I'll even do without now and then, but the fact remains, if he loves me he should want to please me, and he realizes physical intimacy is a very important part of our marriage.

    Quote Originally Posted by fairgreenlady
    Having said that, if things don't improve by about 6 months post partum, I would recommend counseling for yourself. You can't change him, but you can change how you react to him or you can figure out how to fill your needs in other ways. For me, I started to concentrate my creative energies on my business. Now I'm so busy, I don't contemplate how he's ignorning me. I just do my own thing. Not exactly building a relationship, but it beats feeling angry about something I cannot change.
    I think if I got to the point where I had to get counciling for something my spouse was doing I'd seriously consider not sticking around. To me, ignoring my needs would be a sign he didn't properly love and respect me. Sometimes it's perfectly normal and healthy to be angry. You can't make your marriage work all by yourself, and you shouldn't have to.

    (edited due to poor typing)

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  3. #62
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    interesting that you quote Corinthians, but you'd consider getting a divorce if your spouse didn't put out... just seems like kind of an odd juxtaposition to me.

    there is a lot more to infidelity than not being sexually "satisfied" by your spouse! people cheat for a lot of different reasons. some of them are emotional, some people have sex and love addiction, some people do it to "get back" at their spouse for some other perceived transgression, etc.

    it's similar to how there are many medical, emotional, and psychological reasons that someone might not be sexually aroused or able to perform intercourse. sex is extremely intimate and physical, and someone can totally love and respect their partner but either be incapable of sex or just not in the mood. of course, people should seek help if they are having problems with sex. but they shouldn't be required to perform like a trained monkey just to get their partner off.

  4. #63
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    Thought I'd pop in with an update.....
    Well, over the past month it seems I've been able to start thinking more clearly on what I want relationship-wise, since my brain cells (literally) seem to be futher healed/regenerated from the effects of the auto immune thyroid stuff. (in fact, I just realized today that I'm no longer obsessing over things! Woohoo! That is a BIG step in my recovery!)
    Anyway, about a month ago, I just up and said to my husband "We are NOT having anymore kids. No way. I don't want to be stuck doing everything myself, getting stressed out, and having a huge relapse." He knows full well that this absolutely kills me, since I had really, in my heart, wanted to try just one last time before I get too old. (I'm now 41.) I love, love, love kids, and I have 2 boys, and really wanted to try for a girl. But, it just hit me one day. What the hell am I thinking?? Why would I want to put myself thru all that stress? I thought back to when we tried for our 2nd child. I had to use ovulation predictor kits, make sure no one was coming over on optimum nights, try and get him in the mood, and then totally did not feel into it at all, because all that time, he had barely been paying any attention of the affectionate kind to me. Remember, there are 7 years between our 2 boys.....meaning for those 7 years he barely touched me, and I had to make all the moves if I wanted any affection. My husband was diagnosed w/ depression when our older son was maybe 3 or 4 years old. So in the amount of time after his diagnosis until I had to practically force sex out of him, he STILL didn't take control of his health, nor try very hard to find a resolution to the problem. Meanwhile, I was getting sicker and sicker myself, w/o knowing it..............Ah, but I'm off on a tangent again.
    Then, a few weeks later, during another one of my rants of frustration, I told him that I no longer wished to be married to him. Yes...that's right....the big D. He was shocked, which I just couldn't even freakin' believe, considering how many times I have gone over this again and again.
    Then Sunday, I was annoyed about something else...can't even recall what set me off. I didn't yell. It was more like pleading with him to just HELP me with stuff. I am right now, slightly hyper again. Not nearly as bad as I was when 1st diagnosed, but I suspect it's in response to the stress of the no baby/I want a divorce talks. This can't go on...we HAVE to be able to live in relative peace. He HAS to be involved with things. He HAS to help take care of his kids and his home, but most importantly, he needs to show his children that he cares and wants to be involved in whatever they are doing. I should NOT have to tell him to do these things!!
    So...I take the younger son with me to the grocery store. I needed to get out of the house. I come back in time for lunch, and we sit and talk whiel the boys are playing and eating in the living room. Husband FINALLY admits that he has allowed himself to sink into this deep pit of depression and despair at the cost of everyone and everything around him. He FINALLY realizes what this is costing him. He says he understands that i got to the point where I had to, in effect, ignore him, and focus on my own recovery, and focus on our kids. He wants to try to make things better.
    That's all well and dandy, and i am truly glad that he finally realizes what effect this has had on all of us. All I've wanted all along, is for him to be proactive and take control of his own health and well-being, because if he doesn't do that, he cannot be there for our kids, let alone for me.
    BUT....it has been too long in coming. the damage has been done. I can't, after all of my begging, pleading, yelling, crying, getting sicker and sicker, ever go back to the way it once was. I don't trust that he will do what he says. It would take many more years to get to that point of trust. I would much rather he focused on doing it for our sons. I'm a grown-up...I can muddle my way through being out on my own eventually. Our kids need him more, to be focused on THEM and do things with them, and parent them, etc., etc.
    I have had to deal with his problems totally draining my energy level ON TOP OF my own health problems, mothering, keeping the hhousehold crap together, home schooling, etc.
    Well.....I didn't mean for this to be so long, but I had to vent.
    It's not that I want to run off with the other guy. No...that is far from my mind at this point, and there's a whole other set of problems with that idea that i won't even go into. I would much rather be on my own. I'm just taking one little step at a time, and trying not to allow the stress to make me become more seriously hyper. I'm waiting it out right now, hoping that as I calm down my thyroid hormones will come back down as well.
    umm...so thank for listening and letting me get this off my chest. I have to repeat my mantra....no stress, no stress, no stress.........AUGHHHHHHH!!!

  5. #64
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    take a deep breath! it sounds like you're doing a great job. i'm glad your husband realized that he was letting his depression get out of control. i hope he takes care of himself. in the mean time, you take care of yourself!

    could you have him take the kids all day once a week (maybe they could go on a day trip or play sports or something) so you can have a day to just rest?

    would you ever consider enrolling your sons in a charter school? there are schools that have a program where 3 days a week are in class and two are homeschool, and things like that. one of my best friends went to that kind of school, and she loved it. that way you would have some down time to take care of yourself and your health.

  6. #65
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    Hi stella!
    Yeah...I need to take a LOOOONG deep breath! LOL!
    unfortunately, there's so many people who want their children in the charter schools, that student placement is actually done via a lottery pick! I don't know if any of them have an arrangement such as you describe, but I think it's a neat idea!
    I am hoping I can encourage my husband to get out with the boys and do something they can enjoy together. I definitely need some down time for myself.
    Thanks so much for checking in on me and offering some great suggestions! :)

  7. #66
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    Quote Originally Posted by stella
    interesting that you quote Corinthians, but you'd consider getting a divorce if your spouse didn't put out... just seems like kind of an odd juxtaposition to me.

    there is a lot more to infidelity than not being sexually "satisfied" by your spouse! people cheat for a lot of different reasons. some of them are emotional, some people have sex and love addiction, some people do it to "get back" at their spouse for some other perceived transgression, etc.

    it's similar to how there are many medical, emotional, and psychological reasons that someone might not be sexually aroused or able to perform intercourse. sex is extremely intimate and physical, and someone can totally love and respect their partner but either be incapable of sex or just not in the mood. of course, people should seek help if they are having problems with sex. but they shouldn't be required to perform like a trained monkey just to get their partner off.
    What I'm saying is, if there is a problem and your spouse doesn't do his or her utmost to address it, they aren't showing proper concern. I think some ladies put up with way too much. My husband has to deal with depression, too, like a lot of these ladies' husband, but he knows it is important, at all times, to make sure I know he loves me. Even when he's not up to physical intimacy, he shows this to me in other ways. There are ways to help the physical intimacy side of things work out a bit better, too, and we both consider that a part of our marriage we have to work on, just like everything else. Bear in mind, I believe it is something you should both address together. However, failing to address it at all is unacceptable.

    To be honest, I'm not always entirely up to it either, but I think it's a way of showing your spouse you love them, and therefore, is rather important.

    Apparently, some of these ladies are putting up with spouses who aren't even willing to at least kiss and cuddle. There aren't the same sort of excuses for that. People need to know they are loved, and physical affection, of some sort, is a big part of showing it, whether you like it or not. Sometimes you have to do things you don't feel like doing for your loved one.

    I'm not a big fan of divorce, however, if your spouse is utterly disregarding your feelings and refuses to seek any sort of help, it seems to me it would be better for your own mental health to leave. Being with someone who doesn't make a point of consistently showing that he loves you can be very damaging and cause all sorts of issues within yourself, and, from personal experience, I believe there comes a point when it is time to go.

  8. #67
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    kateastrophe- definately talk to your doctor about changing your pill. I have a really high libido and for a little while I was taking the shot (when I was 18) and would not feel the need for sex...EVER, when I had previously felt the urge daily. It made me feel bloated and lazy too.

    I'm on Ortho Tricyclen Lo and it's worked out really great for me. (within the pill brands, there are also slightly different dossages, yours might be a little high, something your doc can help you with).

  9. #68
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    ak.crafty - thank you for the tip, I was originally on Ortho Tri Cyclen and had to switch to a higher level because that wasnt enough, so unfortunately my body wouldn't be cut out for OTC-Lo :(
    I am in the beginning stages of going to therapy (at only $6 per session through college, who wouldnt? hah) and I have done some research regarding libido and stress and things. Supposedly if one has low levels of dopamine, it can lead to mild depression, social anxiety, and low sex drive.. and since I've had all three at least at one point or another, it may be worth checking up on through this therapy.
    The thing that disturbs me the most, I think, is that I never really had a "typical teenager" type sex drive, so I'm not even sure if I can blame birth control... although I'm sure it doesn't help!

  10. #69
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    I can't even imagine having this problem. My husband has made it very clear several times that I am to wake him from a dead sleep whenever I want. He could be in a flu-induced coma and he would still be entirely available. I am far more often the less-interested one, but I'm working on that.

  11. #70
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    As a man, I can say that desire should be expressed from both sides. My wife always says that sex is a reflection of the relationships We don't have any issues with passion, but unfortunately, I was diagnosed with erectile dysfunction, so there were times when my wife had to wait for several weeks while I was on treatment. Now I need to use generic viagra. But I'm a lucky man, because I have a wife who understands everything, supports me and is ready to wait as long as I need.


 
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