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  1. #11
    Junior Member
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    Apr 2005
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    brooklyn, ny
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    9
    this blog has been a big help to me this weekend. the pieces of advice all saved me from further hysteria. i've always taken pride in my survival instincts, having gone more than halfway around the globe to visit NY without knowing anyone here and have actually succeeded in settling down, but i am no longer that confident with my coping skills after having gotten married. the hardships that i went through as an immigrant here in the US is nothing, NOTHING, compared to the trials and tribulations of being a stepmother.

    again, thanks everyone.

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  3. #12
    Senior Member
    Join Date
    Apr 2004
    Posts
    171
    Quote Originally Posted by the wire whisk
    i've always taken pride in my survival instincts, having gone more than halfway around the globe to visit NY without knowing anyone here and have actually succeeded in settling down, but i am no longer that confident with my coping skills after having gotten married. the hardships that i went through as an immigrant here in the US is nothing, NOTHING, compared to the trials and tribulations of being a stepmother.
    You've been through a lot and done a lot, but maybe your "survival instincts" are no longer what you need?

    It sounds to me like you've tend to react to situations in a very "take no prisoners" kind of way. Throwing things and making threats may be perfect for when you need to get people to back off and leave you alone, but it's not going to serve you well for daily living or relationship building.

    I would suggest couples counseling with your husband. It sounds to me like the two of you have kind of reached a bad place in terms of how you relate to each other and some outside insight would be a good idea.

  4. #13
    Junior Member
    Join Date
    Apr 2005
    Location
    brooklyn, ny
    Posts
    9
    at the risk of sounding defensive, i have not made it a habit to throw things at my husband and make threats. last weekend was the first (and hopefully the last) time that stuff was thrown. as mentioned, i have been tolerating everything and in the process have accumulated a substantial amount of self pity the result of which could be compared to a volcano erupting. my husband and i rarely, very rarely, have any arguments we're very loving but when his kids get to visit, i get extremely stressed. the son was just recently diagnosed with bi-polar and is taking lithium. prior to diognasis, his mania took a toll on everyone especially on me since he clings to me. my husband's first marriage broke down because the ex could not cope with the kids. Nowadays, it's the grandmother who does most of the parenting.

    my case is not as simple as someone whose husband has kids from a previous marriage. my case consists of two children who are currently undergoing psychiatric treatment (at the tender age of 12) and whose own mother could not cope with raising them. i have mentioned my immigrant phase because i'd like to think that i've developed a substantial amount of tolerance for pain, etc. during that phase in my life and no amount of obstacles could intimidate me but i thought wrong.

    i could not emphasize enough to think twice before getting into a step-parenting situation. statistics indicate that the divorce rates among second marriages are higher and could be attributed to conflict regarding children and the same studies also indicate that step-moms have the most difficult role. i have recently joined a support group for step-moms:) I think it's what i need.

    in hindsight, my problem is not due to any friction between me and my husband but is due to the situation (blended family) made worse by 2 kids afflicted with bi-polar disorder and anxiety disorder (inherited from mom's side). it could really take a toll on anyone.

  5. #14
    Senior Member
    Join Date
    May 2004
    Posts
    893
    It's tough being a parent at the best of times. And it can certainly put a strain on a marriage, as the partnership really has to work.

    As you rightly point out, you need to ask yourself beforehand if you're willing to put yourself second in a marriage. Because you can't resent the children! It's not their fault, and they really should come first to a large extent.

    I also know how tough it can be as an immigrant - without a social circle of your own, even as was my case I was an American in England.

    Anyway, I'm glad you feel you can come here for support and honest opinions. Feel free to vent!

  6. #15
    Senior Member
    Join Date
    May 2004
    Posts
    375
    It sounds like you need some help communicating with your husband. The "cold shoulder" and threats are not a constructive way of dealing with anything. How about talking to him about it calmly instead of expecting him to bend over backwards for you because you threatened him with divorce.

    Just because you don't always throw things at people doesn't mean that it can't become a habit. I would get some anger management, and counceling in communication.

    The kids have every right to be frightened of you. If you acted that way toward thier father, I can only imagine how they feel you might act towards them if they made you angry. You have to also remember that children are small. You look huge to them, because you are taller. You tower over them literally. It is intimidating, and now they don't feel safe around you. You need to talk with them about what happened so that they don't think that treating people like you did thier dad is okay.

  7. #16
    Junior Member
    Join Date
    May 2005
    Posts
    4
    Have you contacted your local NAMI--National Alliance for the Mentally Ill--chapter? I read about it somewhere. It appears to be an organization that not only helps the mentally ill get information and coping skills, but also offers advice and workshops to help the relatives, friends, etc., of the mentally ill learn to better deal with the ill person's problems. I don't have any direct experience with the organization, but I remember thinking that it was a good idea since people sometimes forget that illnesses--mental or physical--affect more people than just the one who suffers from it.

    The phone book or internet or operator information can tell you if your city has a chapter and how to contact them.

    Good luck.

  8. #17
    Junior Member
    Join Date
    May 2005
    Posts
    4
    Have you contacted your local NAMI--National Alliance for the Mentally Ill--chapter? I read about it somewhere. It appears to be an organization that not only helps the mentally ill get information and coping skills, but also offers advice and workshops to help the relatives, friends, etc., of the mentally ill learn to better deal with the ill person's problems. I don't have any direct experience with the organization, but I remember thinking that it was a good idea since people sometimes forget that illnesses--mental or physical--affect more people than just the one who suffers from it.

    The phone book or internet or operator information can tell you if your city has a chapter and how to contact them.

    Good luck.


 
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