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  1. #1
    Junior Member
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    Apr 2005
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    brooklyn, ny
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    9

    hubby to spend a weekend with his kids w/o me

    i am an emotional wreck right now after having been informed last night that he and stepkids (they spend weekends with us) will be at his brother's house from Sat noon and he'll be back at home after dropping off the kids Sun noon. He also made it clear that I could not come because they are scared by me after the incident 2 weekends ago and hence would like to spend time alone with them. the incident involved me thrashing the house upon learning that he lied about his kids not spending the weekend with us at that time. i was hoping for a break since it is tough dealing with his kids (one is bi-polar and the other one resents the woman in her dad's life). i told him that by avoiding us getting together and by alienating me, he is not facing the situation squarely. i am an immigrant and still trying to cope with the lack of social and family support here in the states. sad to say, i let my life revolved around him. is he dealing with the conflict the right way by putting me aside which is how i feel at the very least.

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  3. #2
    Senior Member
    Join Date
    Aug 2004
    Location
    down by the bay
    Posts
    767
    Maybe the kids just need a break from you. Plus, you get a break from them :) It's hard enough to have a new culture and new marriage, but new children on top of it? Getting the other parts of your new life settled may make it easier to be a good step-mother.

    There should be social and cultural support in the NYC area, it might just need some finding. Maybe you'll need to visit a few restaurants of your home country's cuisine to find the cultural bulletin, maybe there's a website for a dance club... you might have to settle from people from your region rather than your country, but still, there should be feelings of home.

    Also, there should be organizations dedicated to helping new immigrants adjust to American culture, but again, you'll have to find them.

    Someone else will do a better job of counseling you on the husband/wife relationship parts; all I can say is that the only person responsible for your happiness is you - no one else can make you happy. I'm still trying to learn this one :)

  4. #3
    Senior Member
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    Apr 2004
    Location
    Northern California
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    2,021
    i can sympathize with how upset you are, but it sounds like he's just trying to take care of his children. and honestly, would you want it to be any other way? these are his children, and one of them has special needs. could you respect a man who blew off his children? you are an adult woman who can take care of herself, but kids are dependant on their parents as caregivers and role models.

    i know this is hard for you, but i think that his kids do have a right to be scared of you and he has a right to spend time alone with them. all i can recommend is that you seek out some help for yourself and couples therapy, and reach out to people so you can have friends of your own to spend time with.

  5. #4
    Senior Member
    Join Date
    Sep 2004
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    456

    Re: hubby to spend a weekend with his kids w/o me

    Quote Originally Posted by the wire whisk
    they are scared by me after the incident 2 weekends ago and hence would like to spend time alone with them. the incident involved me thrashing the house upon learning that he lied about his kids not spending the weekend with us at that time.
    You said it yourself - they are scared of you. I don't know how old they are, but I wouldn't want to go back to someone's house after what you describe. They are kids. It's HIS fault he lied, not theirs, and even if you get frustrated enough to "thrash" your house, you should have waited until they left. I recommend getting some counseling on how to bond with step-children before they come back to your house, and then definitley apologize to them and let them know they are safe and it won't happen again. Until then, your husband should still visit them.

    Also, do something fun for yourself while he's gone. Visit a library or do some shopping. See if there's any kind of group thing going on in the neighborhood. Maybe you'll meet some new friends. I know dealing with my own kids is hard sometimes. I can't imagine trying to parent someone else's kids only on weekends. Talk more to your husband about it. It'll probably make him feel better knowing you are willing to do something about what happened two weeks ago.

  6. #5
    Junior Member
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    Apr 2005
    Location
    brooklyn, ny
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    9
    thanks for all the advice. just needed to be told that it's perfectly fine for my husband to spend the weekend with his kids without me being included considering what has happened.

    i know that there is no justifiable excuse for me "thrashing"(as in throwing things at my husband) my house. i just erupted (but not once did i include the kids in the argument). that was the day that my husband was at a dinner party at his mother's house in the snottiest suburb in CT/USA/world (which i did not attend since my hubby's mom could not seem to get over the fact that her daughter-in-law is the same race as her housekeeper's (that's another story) and he came home with his kids. now his kids are high maintainance and grew up accustomed to having someone clean up after them. i have been functioning as a maid every weekend without the parental authority to impose discipline. i just wanted a day off from all the mania and demands (like any other maid). if only i could afford to hire a helper to do the chores, i will. the mom was recently jailed because she left the 12yo daughter at a parking lot when the child threw a fit when she did not get the outfit she wanted. if it's difficult for their mom, it is doubly difficult for me who is still struggling to be accepted.

    Moral of the story is think twice before getting oneself involve with a blended family because it is so much more difficult and the risks of failure
    are high.

  7. #6
    Senior Member
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    Feb 2005
    Location
    Rochester, NY
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    822
    Hmmm..I have never been in a step-parent situation, but this certainly sounds frustrating. My take on this, however is that you and your husband should sit down and discuss these issues together and come to a resolution before sitting his kids down and discussin with them just how it's going to work in your household while they are there on weekends. For example, I think it's perfectly justifiable to have different rules in your own home, such as "You will pick up after yourselves." "You will treat your step-mother with respect." "There are consequences for not doing A, B, and C, and this is what they are." And stick to it as a team. Your husband needs to understand that it's not only difficult for his children, but difficult for you, and he needs to make it clear to his children that they are NOT to use you as their own personal housekeeper, and that you are part of the adult team responsible for their well-being and safety and that they must follow the rules that you both set up for your household. You don't say how long you've been married, and the kids may take a long while to at least "tolerate" you as an adult figure in their lives, but they need to know that the respect is non-negotiable. And I agree that you should apologize to them for your outburst. I don't think it is at all a sign of weakness to children to admit that you were angry at their father and lost it, but that you and he are working to make things better for all of you in the long run. How old are the kids now?

  8. #7
    Senior Member
    Join Date
    Dec 2004
    Location
    N.C. Pennsylvania
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    216
    Things will get better in time. I am in my second marriage with three kids to my first husband. My new husband has no kids. It took a good three years for us all to feel completely comfortable with one another and for my husband to adjust to being a step parent. It is VERY HARD on the step parent , no doubt, esp. when the kids are rebellious. But it is also VERY HARD on the parent also. It took me a long time to let my husband discipline my kids and be a father to them. My natural reaction was to always protect them whether they were wrong or not. They're my kids. Thats what parents do. I felt like I was stuck in the middle of the people that I loved most ALL THE TIME. Your husband has to feel the same. Kids will come around eventually. Give them time to do it on their own, when they're ready. My husband and I have been together for four years and unless you knew better, you would swear that these are his kids and we're all so happy. It will happen. Dont lose hope. This is hard for all of you but it will work out.

  9. #8
    Junior Member
    Join Date
    Apr 2005
    Location
    brooklyn, ny
    Posts
    9
    thanks for all the advice. hubby is now home but i'm giving him the cold shoulder. it's easy for me to take advices but find it hard to put them into action. i really find it hard to act as if it was totally fine for him to have left me all by myself...

    i have been threatening divorce (just to scare him) but it didn't affect him the way i wanted it to be. my suspicion is that he knows that i don't mean it or worse he could be fed up with the whole thing too. i know i'm dealing with this in a really immature way...

    i told him to go to his lawyer, the one that he used when he first got divorced and i'll sign the papers. i'll die if this happens...

    indeed, he claims that he feels he's always in the middle and just hates it.

  10. #9
    Senior Member
    Join Date
    Apr 2005
    Location
    State College, PA
    Posts
    212
    Don't make threats you don't intend to back. If you don't want a divorce, don't even joke about it. That would get old and push him farther away, I would think.

    Be careful what you wish for, you just might get it.

  11. #10
    Senior Member
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    Apr 2004
    Location
    phx, az
    Posts
    686
    my 2 cents:

    go to the root of the issue - do you love him? if you truly do and know that he feels the same, be the stronger person and go work the problem out TOGETHER piece by piece. Never threaten something you don't mean, it might come true.

    In any relationship, nothing comes easy, if it did, life would be boring and unfulfilling. No marriage is cozy and comfy 24/7, we all have issues. think of the end result you want and take the steps to get there!! Settle up with him and then work on the kids. It won't happen overnight, just accept that and tackel each day and situation as it comes.

    Let down your pride and go try to reason this out with your husband, we'll all be sending good vibes to you!


 
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