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  1. #1
    Member
    Join Date
    Apr 2005
    Location
    Viroqua, WI
    Posts
    39

    He lost *another* job!!

    Omigoodness, craftistas!! I don't mean to sound desperate, here I come!
    I know plenty of people deal with this type of saga, but dam I feel alone right now! It's so hard! My DH is a very sweet guy who comes from a non-feelings expressing, guilt-trip flinging, well meaning and otherwise Beaver Cleaver supportive family with Donna Reed type stereotypical masc/fem roles. His father is a workaholic and his mother does all to please... The only thing remarkable about his childhood was difficulty dealing with his anger in his catholic school kindergarten. The Sister Marys made him punch a flat football in a quiet room ;) We just had our 6th wedding anniversary, and have had lots of dear friends remind us how they look at our relationship for a great example of how love and marriage should work. I dunno! I am starting to question equality here. (I have been the breadwinner this whole time, sometimes pulling together several side jobs to bring more in)
    When my sweetie and I started dating, he had started his first real job after graduating w/ his BS. Job wasn't degree related, but was in his field of passion, and he was pretty happy, even if he was commuting 1 hr each way. He spent much of his wages with his discount and really stressed the beginning of our marriage (6 yrs ago). I confronted him about this and he agrred to change. One day, he told a customer (who was harrassing him) to f-o- and lost his job after a 2 wk "Let's try harder" period. From there, he went on to take more degree related classes and worked a blend of his old college day jobs.
    5 yrs ago, an internship in an adventure filled state opened up for a whole summer--$50/wk but great experience. I figured-worth the investment- and suggested he go for it. After a $2000 credit card bill, he returns home and takes 2-3 mo to find a job. Takes a job as a welder(my idea) for a while. disgusted and bored, quits. Gets another customer service job with a hot web-based travel co. and within 9 mo tells someone to f-o- and loses the job. Also was reprimanded for surfing & wandering/chatting w/ co-workers. Again, he returns to work for friends while he returns to school for his Master's in city planning. Gets let go from an internship as they 'lost funding'. He swears there's no work issues this time, but it was sudden. Gets another intern, but makes it blatantly clear to them its not exactly in the area he wants to work in, so they don't even court the idea of offering him a position, although he seemed to do very well there in a small office with very straight up, no-crap people. Had a baby together (16 mo ago) and moved to a small town where I got a great hospital job. He got a passion related job and was seasonally laid off, but then they gave his job away when he was honest about applying for a slightly out of reach, but degree related county job. He finally got hired by an organic farming cooperative after 3 attempts. Well, after 2 months, he was let go yesterday. He was let go for making too many mistakes and I think for snapping back at a jerky co-worker.
    Honestly, he is a very likeable person and he is adored by many in our community. He does tend to have low drive and terrible organizational skills for house matters, but if it is passion related, you bet he's organized! He is a super daddy. Just has a crappy work ethic...issues with self-esteem?ADD? Any experience out there? I am sure I have some role in this this, too, but I am looking for others have dealt with this. Sorry so long! *sniff* Thanks guys!

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  3. #2
    Senior Member
    Join Date
    May 2004
    Posts
    375
    Has he ever gone to therapy or anger management? It really sounds like he doesn't know how to cope with customer service type jobs. Maybe he should find something like stocking shelves or a "back end" type job that doesn't require dealing with the customers much.
    Even with co-workers, if someone is a jerk, it's usually better to take that to management, not snap back at them because then you come off looking like the ass.
    It just sounds like he needs help in dealing with people.

  4. #3
    Junior Member
    Join Date
    Mar 2005
    Location
    Arizona
    Posts
    14
    What a frustrating situation! And how painful to have it happen at this time in your marriage with the new baby, which is hard enough as it is.

    I can relate - my hubby wouldn't be repeatedly fired but would quit good jobs to pursue "business ideas" that never seemed to gel. Including once two weeks before our first baby was born. That time, he didn't even tell me he quit, because he didn't want to upset me. The next year, we lived below the poverty line. Serious ADD-er too.

    Sometimes I think financial stress is the worst thing that can hit a couple, worse even than infidelity. I used to think how easy it would be if he had just had an affair, rather than putting us into a financial sinkhole that lasted for years.

    I wish I could tell you some magic solution. It's such a delicate balance between being supportive at a time when he feels pretty awful, and not being taken advantage of yourself. Looking back I wish I had done two things differently: One, I wish I had pressed harder and earlier for some kind of a plan from him, started some reasonably friendly discussion of "what exactly are you going to do next, and how do we finance it?" Two, I wish I had gotten as much public assistance as possible, as soon as possible. We used this for some of the baby's early medical care, but I never applied for food stamps - which we qualified for, and would have been a bit of help, and who knows, might have helped drive home to him just how dire the situation was.

    We did get past this for the most part. I can't chalk it up to any one thing, but the baby got older, for one, and I was able to be the primary breadwinner for a while. He found a new avenue which isn't exactly lucrative but is secure and rewarding enough to where he isn't always plotting an escape. I think the whole poverty experience did get him to wake up a bit to reality once he saw how bad it was and how it was wrecking our marriage. Lastly, there is just maturation over time - with ADD in particular, this is so important, as it does tend to get better with age.

    Is he willing to try some kind of group or new approach for anger management? Is there a really autonomous or own-your-own business line of work he could realistically pursue? (this was terrible in our case, but might be just the thing if it's the group work setting that's getting to him.)

    Please take heart. I know this situation hurts. Best of luck to you.

  5. #4
    Member
    Join Date
    Apr 2005
    Location
    Viroqua, WI
    Posts
    39
    Thanks to both of you for chiming in! I've been having a hard time to get back online with him home all the time now. Very helpful feedback--I do wonder about the whole ADD testing thing for big people, and how that goes, too. The anger management issue is hard for him to understand, and so I am trying to get him to clarify what pattern is going on, so he can get help. He just keeps saying how unlucky he is. I was able to get him to call human resources and get some more feedback to help him get the most out of the situation (which I highly recommend to anyone else). It was helpful in that they clarified that it was a 'departmental fit' issue, and that he was welcome to reapply for any other positions. So maybe his anger wasn't at fault this time. Its a tender issue, and I only get to ask so many questions before he shuts me out. He was offered a spot at the local co-op, so at least there won't be months of waiting. Thanks for your well wishes!
    Time to register for WIC! I'm still nursing and milk gets expensive.

  6. #5
    Senior Member
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    Apr 2004
    Posts
    347
    Would he be open to seeing a counselor or therapist? There are some that work on sliding scales; maybe the therapist could suggest plans of attack and he would take it seriously and not get offended?

  7. #6
    Member
    Join Date
    Apr 2005
    Location
    Viroqua, WI
    Posts
    39
    Yes-I am checking out who does sliding fee scale work as we speak! I want to ask his parents for help with paying the bill, too. I am also working up to speak on how the whole job loss cycle effects me and how I need him to work on living up to his potential. (He seems just satisfied with himself, even though we both know everyone is a work in progress) The lack of security is so hard, when I have done all the work to get myself in a good position, but it can't carry a whole family...and shouldn't need to. Its hard to be chronically disappointed. It's hard not to set expectations and hopes. At least this time he is treating me better and helping a bit more with the house stuff. Time sweet time, rush on by!

  8. #7
    Senior Member
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    Apr 2004
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    347
    Well, part of being married is considering the other person in the marriage. When he's not pulling his share, it puts a lot of stress on things. Maybe after some counseling, the two of you can figure out how to change things so you'll both be happy.

    Is he open to 'to do' lists? My husband won't really see that things need to get done, but if I list them out, he'll do them.

    Also, maybe meet with a financial advisor person and work out a budget that includes goals for savings/investments/retirement. Maybe if he sees how your family isn't reaching the goals it should, he might be more willing to stick with a job, even when he isn't feeling like it's his dream job.

  9. #8
    Senior Member
    Join Date
    Apr 2004
    Posts
    171
    Quote Originally Posted by smudgy_cat
    Well, part of being married is considering the other person in the marriage.
    Word.

    I went back and forth on whether to comment on this thread, but if I'm reading things correctly, he's never consistently held an outside job, he's not doing the heavy lifting around the house and he needs to be poked and prodded into stepping up to basic adult responsibilities.

    doulabitsymama, I am not trying to give you shit here, but I really don't understand why you had a child with this guy. I understand the guy's "nice", but I don't know what that means when describing an adult who makes messes and expects others to clean them up.

    As for the bit about "dream job"...okay I'm not saying parents can't have dreams, but you stop having the right to live your life as the weather changes when you have a little person depending on you. They didn't ask to be here and they have limited control over their situation and that gives them a big claim on you. What you describe just isn't fair, not to you, not to your kid and I am embarrased for your spouse that he doesn't seem to realize this.

  10. #9
    Senior Member
    Join Date
    Sep 2004
    Posts
    456
    I'll give you a positive spin on a situation.

    My husband and I lived in Florida for five and a half years together; our daughter was nearly two when we left. Anyway, in that time, he never held a steady job, refused to watch our daughter because he had to "work" on his stuff and household tasks are "women's duty." I had to get a job when my daughter was 7 months old, even though we decided I'd stay at home for a year, because we weren't paying bills on time and overdraft charges at the bank were killing us. It was my responsibility to get her and I ready in the mornings, drop her off at daycare and travel the 30 minutes to work, pick her up in the afternoons, clean the house, make dinner, bathe her, etc. ALL BY MYSELF. He seldom woke up before 11 a.m. I wanted to divorce him so badly, but I made a promise and I'm stubborn and it seemed like failure.

    So we had a long talk. We decided that in July 2003, he would move to his home country of Canada and join his father's business. After the winter, if he was doing well and being responsible, my daughter and I would join him. Otherwise, he was to stay there, I was to stay in Florida and the divorce proceeding would begin. Well, my daughter and I moved up in April of 2004, we had another baby in July 2005 and we're in the middle of building our own house.

    It wasn't really an ultimatum. I stated the facts and told him it wasn't fair and he needed to start being a responsible partner in this family. He got a job he likes with steady income and potential growth. He watches our older daughter occasionally. And although he still sucks at helping around the house, I do stay home now so it's not that big an issue.

    I hope things happen for you.

  11. #10
    Member
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    Nov 2004
    Location
    Spokane, WA (the vicinity thereof)
    Posts
    68
    Hang in there Bitsy! I would encourage you to find a good counselor and to go together. That will keep him from feeling like it's all his fault... it sounds like a lot of it is, but there's probably some things you can do to help him, and a good marriage counselor will point those out. Look for a marriage counselor who does both joint and individual sessions. Good luck!!


 
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