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  1. #1
    Senior Member
    Join Date
    Sep 2005
    Location
    Pennsylvania
    Posts
    121

    My dad expects WAY too much! WAY long!

    First of all, I'm writing this angry, so I'm sure that it seems more of a big deal to me right now than it usually does, but I really need to vent. This post is the beginning of the story, but another big aspect of it, is that during the entire time, I had to drive my dad to work every day. My dad is on swing shift so sometimes I have to get up at like 4 in the morning to drive up to the jail, about an hour's drive, and then back to where I live, then up to his work. It takes about two hours from when I leave until I get home, and most of the time he didn't even give me money for gas. Even though he was on work release, he wasn't giving us much money from his paychecks. He paid the rent but I had to buy food for my siblings, pay the utilities, and make sure the house had all the things that houses need that really adds up. (I am so freaking poor right now because of it, and the whole time I was trying to find a job that would accomodate my weird schedule that was impossible to predict from day to day.)

    Now, I never once complained to him how much I hated doing this. I mean, my dad never helped me once with anything in my entire life. I've been having a lot of trouble paying for school and he never even once offered to help me when I asked. Before I had enough money to buy myself a car, I had to bum rides to work every single day just because he didn't feel like waking up early enough to drive me. I even eventually lost that job because I was too unreliable. I used to have to go in late because I had to ride my little brother's bike or wait for someone who could drive me. This was when he was even home to drive me!

    Now he's just expecting me to do everything for him. He's already freaking out because I won't drop out of school so I can drive him to work some more. He lost his license for five years! I'd have to drive him until he RETIRES! And he has a ton of family members in the area, like living right in town. I mean, a TON! We have a huge family. Even though I had to get my rides to work from them and friends, he expects me to just drive him all the time because it's easier.

    The worst decision I ever made during this time was to accept $400 from him so I could pay my car insurance. Now he acts like I owe him everything. This guy took off on me when I was 16 years old. I was homeless because of him. I never graduated from high school because of him. His actions caused so many problems for me and I'm still trying to recover and get my life back on track. I moved back in with him because he was the only person I could live with. I was saving money so that I could move out, but decided to go back to school instead, and live with him two more years so that I could afford to do that. But now he acts like I owe him everything I have. I just feel really betrayed that I even trusted him.

    I almost moved out in September with my boyfriend, but we decided to wait until April so that we could buy a house instead of renting, and I can graduate from community college. But if my dad doesn't give me some freedom, I don't know how I'm going to be able to even go back to school, let alone save enough money to buy a house!

    Now what made me really angry, my dad is almost out and they let him stay home overnight. This morning, I woke up to use the bathroom and as soon as my dad heard me up, he ran upstairs and told me to take him to the store. I told him I just woke up and I wanted to have some time to wake up, do my morning stuff, get going... He got really mad at me! Then, even though I told him I'd be a while because I had to get ready, he wakes up my sister and tells her we're leaving in a couple minutes. Thankfully, I bribed my sister into taking a long ass shower so that I can have some time to myself, but I am so mad! I get to spend my day sitting outside stores waiting for him, and then I get to drive him to work. I just don't know what to do!

    I told him I'd drive him until January 15th, because that's when I start school. He got mad because I told him I won't be driving him at all after that, because anyone who works and goes to school knows how precious your two minutes to yourself are. I don't want to spend them driving him!

    Anyway, sorry to rant. I just wanted to get it out so I didn't yell or scream at anyone or do anything mean... Thanks for reading.

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  3. #2
    Senior Member
    Join Date
    Apr 2004
    Location
    kentucky
    Posts
    305
    dude, i feel horrible that you are in this situation.

    i can think of a million things to say, but none of may be helpful at all, b/c i have absolutely NO experience with any of your plight. all i know is that you need to take care of yourself or you won't be able to help anyone else.

  4. #3
    Senior Member
    Join Date
    May 2004
    Posts
    893
    I think you should consider moving out - so that he has no hold over you and so that you can take complete control of your life.

    This might mean that you can't buy a house right now. But in the long run, it might be the best decision.

    You need to do what's right for you - but as long as you are living there for convenience or to save money, then there will need to be give and take. Cut your losses and stick up for yourself.

    If you didn't want advice, but just an chance to rant, then just ignore me!

    Take care.

  5. #4
    Senior Member
    Join Date
    Jul 2004
    Location
    brooklyn
    Posts
    600
    i second what cackalackie just said.

    BIG HUG.
    -- eli

  6. #5
    Senior Member
    Join Date
    May 2005
    Posts
    108
    This is difficult for me to read on a number of levels. Though my situation was not entirely the same, my mom was an alcoholic and basically only thought of herself throughout my high school years. When I got on my own, she constantly wanted something from me; a ride, money, place to stay. I eventually was able to tell her "no." It was very hard. I moved all the way across the country to escape it. Eventually she was diagnosed with ms and several years later she got sober and has been for three years. We are still not close like we should be but I try to make her happy in her last years. I don't always want to but I know its the irght thing to do. At least she has tried.
    Having said all that, if you don't have younger siblings to worry about, I say get out now. Your dad got himself into this situation and he will figure out a way to get himself out. He may not speak to you for a while but he'll get over it. And if he doesn't then you haven't really lost much. I know this sounds harsh but I don't believe we should have to sacrifice everything for parents who werent really around for us. We have to take care of ourselves. I am 35 now and have my own family to care for. I hate to hear that you have to deal with this but it will get better with time.

    good luck to you....

  7. #6
    Senior Member
    Join Date
    May 2005
    Posts
    108
    This is difficult for me to read on a number of levels. Though my situation was not entirely the same, my mom was an alcoholic and basically only thought of herself throughout my high school years. When I got on my own, she constantly wanted something from me; a ride, money, place to stay. I eventually was able to tell her "no." It was very hard. I moved all the way across the country to escape it. Eventually she was diagnosed with ms and several years later she got sober and has been for three years. We are still not close like we should be but I try to make her happy in her last years. I don't always want to but I know its the irght thing to do. At least she has tried.
    Having said all that, if you don't have younger siblings to worry about, I say get out now. Your dad got himself into this situation and he will figure out a way to get himself out. He may not speak to you for a while but he'll get over it. And if he doesn't then you haven't really lost much. I know this sounds harsh but I don't believe we should have to sacrifice everything for parents who werent really around for us. We have to take care of ourselves. I am 35 now and have my own family to care for. I hate to hear that you have to deal with this but it will get better with time.

    good luck to you....

  8. #7
    Junior Member
    Join Date
    Dec 2005
    Location
    Bmore
    Posts
    6
    First of all - damn girl. That's just horrible. One of the worst things a parent can do to a child is to make them feel beholden. It's a very hard thing to deal with, and a hard thing to overcome when you are the child. But, having been in a somewhat similar situation, and had several friends deal with the same, my only advice to you is to realize that you don't owe him anything. Period. End of story. Your life is starting, you went above and beyond, and pretty much have had to act the parent yourself. You owe him not shit. Now, ideally, you'll be able to get out and take your little sister with you. Aside from that, even though it doesn't seem this way now, every guilt trip gets easier to ignore. Seriously. You deserve to live your life for yourself. He got his chance, he lived his life, he doesn't get to use yours.
    <hugs><snuggles>

  9. #8
    Senior Member
    Join Date
    Sep 2005
    Location
    Pennsylvania
    Posts
    121
    Thanks for all the advice and support, guys. Basically, I just said to my dad I'm absolutely absolutely not driving him after January 15th (when school starts). That gives him plenty of time to find someone else, and if he's smart, he'll start getting rides now and then by the 15th he will have all the bumps of that smoothed out. I even made it clear that even when I'm home, I'm still not driving him. Even if I am just staring at the ceiling, I'm still too busy to drive him.

    He might get angry and kick me out or he might not. But at least there is a chance I still have a place to live for the next four months. If it was just me I was considering, I'd move out on my own. But I have my boyfriend to consider. He would want to move out with me, too, and his standard of living would drop so much from what it is now.

    And I want to get my sister a driver's license and a car and hopefully get her back into school or a job or something. She's not my younger sister, she's my twin, but she has a lot of mental problems. (Basically, her social and emotional maturity is at the level of a seven-year-old, and her IQ is through the roof.)

    In a world where I didn't have to think about anyone but myself, I would have definitely just moved out into some super horrible apartment and never looked back. But in the long run, I'm glad that I have my sister and my boyfriend so I don't mind thinking a little bit about them.

  10. #9
    Member
    Join Date
    Jun 2005
    Posts
    49
    good job giving him the deadline, there's no reason you have to be his personal assistant...make sure you're firm when that comes around. i really would suggest though trying to move out soon. your bf i'm sure would understand that you just need to live independently, whether he comes with you or not just yet. i understand you wanting to help your sister, and that's good, but at some point you have to live your life for you, not on others' timetables. if you hold your needs based on others' schedules, there will always be something holding you back. that doesn't mean you just forget your bf and sister, just that you continue to be there for them while also moving on in some ways for you. i had not exactly the same but a similar manipulative parent thing when i lived at home briefly. as long as you live there, you're in a dependant role. even if you don't cave on the rides, he can make your time at home miserable--trust me on that. you won't change him but i hope you change the situation you're in for your own sanity. good luck!

  11. #10
    Senior Member
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    Sep 2005
    Location
    Pennsylvania
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    Sorry to still bug everyone with my problems, but I'm going out of my mind! I gave my dad the deadline, and he stuck to it. I picked him up one time past the deadline because he honestly couldn't find another way in. Now, though, he's just finding people to drive him when I am in school. I still have to pick him up late, sometimes 3 am, when I have school in the morning.

    I know I sound really whiney and ungreatful, but our relationship is just so unbalanced. I wouldn't mind driving him so much if he would treat me with some respect. I try and talk to him about it, but he just stays quiet and tunes me out.

    I told him how I needed him to ask me instead of telling me, and that I want to be his backup ride, not his main ride. And I asked him to at least be somewhat nicer to me so I still felt human. I even told him how I cry on the way home sometimes when he's especially horrible, and the guy said absolutely nothing! And I wasn't yelling or anything, I made very sure that I was speaking calmly to not make the situation any worse.

    Even after I told him how much it would mean to me if he'd ask me to pick him up instead of telling me I have to in a way I don't even usually remember, he said "You gotta pick me up tomorrow and then the next day and then I'm off." and walked away. So he totally just didn't listen to a word I say.

    I don't know what to do. I am not the kind of person that can just leave my dad stranded. I think I might just pick him up tonight and tell him it's the last ride I'm giving him because he's taking advantage of me. But then what do I do when he comes into my room ordering me to drive him? I'm just not bold enough to sit there when I know he needs a ride.

    I don't know, I feel really guilty. But at the same time, my dad is doing everything possible to make my life more difficult. He wants me to be dependent on him so that I have to do whatever he says.

    I'm just so upset and messed up and I have a million different thoughts, all contradicting each other, in my head. I feel like such a bad person even complaining about it but if I don't vent, I might hurt someone.


 
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