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  1. #11
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    e -

    based on several friends who have called off weddings or struggled with this issue in some way, I think often the worries come from a perception of what the roles of "husband" and "wife" are expected to be. And it seems to be hardest on women - maybe b/c in their head the wife role carries with it having to be more subservient, and our generation was generally raised more equal.

    It's like you look at your partner and say, yes, I want to be with you forever, but I don't want eating dinner in our pajamas watching reruns and burping for laughs to change once we are married. I don't want you to suddenly be insensitive Ray Barrone.

    I had to redefine these roles for myself ("yes, self, a wife and mom can make rude jokes and eat chocolate for breakfast sometimes") otherwise I could have never gone thru with it.

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  3. #12
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    Feb 2005
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    craftinfool, i think you make a good point. one big reason i don't want to get married is because i have never seen a marriage that i would want for myself. i refuse to become my parents, or worse, his parents. i want things to be the way they are, where we still have fun and enjoy each other's company.

    that said, i think there are other reasons too. it still violates my sense of justice that same-sex couples cannot legally marry in my country. i also don't agree with the practice of the country providing certain benefits to married couples that the single person does not get. why should one be penalized simply because one does not have a legal partner?

    i think that assuming you have a "problem" that is preventing you from wanting to get married might not be the best way to think about the situation. you don't necessarily need therapy just because you don't want what everyone else tells you you should want. i think examining why you want what you want is almost always a good thing, but i think it's as important to examine why one would want to get married as why one would not.

  4. #13
    Guest
    Quote Originally Posted by nucular
    craftinfool, i think you make a good point. one big reason i don't want to get married is because i have never seen a marriage that i would want for myself. i refuse to become my parents, or worse, his parents.
    Amen. Both my husband and I come from the two ugliest divorces in history - his parents and mine. The fact that I was able to drag myself down the aisle at all is a modern miracle. I wasn't into the "wedding-thing" and really wanted to elope to Vegas. But, it turned out to be something our families could all enjoy and remember fondly. But I secretly wish I had dumped the stress and gone to Vegas anyway!

  5. #14
    Senior Member
    Join Date
    May 2004
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    375
    You could maybe do the courthouse wedding thing?
    Trust me, having a huge wedding does not matter in the slightest when it comes to having a good marriage. My parents also got married very quickly, in the courthouse. There was no white dress, no huge cake, no tons of people there. But they've been married for almost 25 years now.
    So I say, maybe just elope and then do the low key "wedding" for your parents? I dunno. But seriously. You do not have to get married if you don't want to. It does not make you any less commited. Have you discussed your true fears with your fiance? I don't think he'll suddenly morph into another person after you marry him, but it would maybe be good for him to know what you're scared of happening.

  6. #15
    Senior Member
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    Jul 2004
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    brooklyn
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    mel,

    yeah, ive talked to him about it... but then he gets really upset that i compare him to my father. he understands that i DO come with this paticular brand of baggage, and that we need to work though it... but he hates when i associate him with my dad. dude, i dont blame him.

    i think we are going to do the courthouse thing... eeeeeee!

    -- eli

  7. #16
    Junior Member
    Join Date
    Oct 2005
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    3

    I can relate

    My bf just proposed and I thought we would be one of those couples who would live together happily for 10 years, then have a wedding when we were already well established. He hasn't even met many of my far-flung friends and some of my family. Not that it matters much to how I feel about him, I just know that my husband will have to fit in to my life and such. I was even nervous about telling my family, because although I knew I wanted to be with him, the marriage thing has scary implecations. I tend to think less about the romantic side of marriage and more about the financial and social. The un-fun and serious sides of marriage.
    And therapy is the best thing ever.

  8. #17
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    Mar 2005
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    48
    I can assure you that if you've been living together for awhile, your relationship won't change just because you have a piece of paper. I lived with my husband for 2 years before we got married. The only thing that changed after the wedding was now we had lots of presents and a discount on our car insurance. It also took me 2 years after the wedding to decide to take his name (we've been married for over 5 years now and together for almost 8.)

  9. #18
    Senior Member
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    Jul 2004
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    brooklyn
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    Quote Originally Posted by creativecat
    I can assure you that if you've been living together for awhile, your relationship won't change just because you have a piece of paper. I lived with my husband for 2 years before we got married. The only thing that changed after the wedding was now we had lots of presents and a discount on our car insurance. It also took me 2 years after the wedding to decide to take his name (we've been married for over 5 years now and together for almost 8.)
    im really glad to hear you say that. a few years ago (before we got engaged) i was talking to a married friend and she said, "man, marriage changes EVERYTHING. it just DOES." and it completely terrified me. i guess it depends on how many skeletons youve got in the closet or something.

  10. #19
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    Jun 2004
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    Kansas
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    I struggled with a few things after my husband and I became engaged. A co-worker gave me the book The Conscious Bride: Women Unveil Their True Feelings About Getting Hitched by Sheryl Paul and I found it very reassuring. The main idea, if I remember correctly, is that yes, engagement is an exciting time, but there is a down side. It made me feel like it was okay to question family expectations and traditions.

    With regards to how our relationship changed after marriage, it didn't really. We lived together before we became engaged. After the marriage our relationship felt more permanent, but in a good way. My name changed and as I jokingly tell my husband, he became legally obligated to love me no matter what.

    I think we are often pressured by our families and friends to make the same choices they have. It validates their choices for them. I believe we should learn from our familes and friends and choose what fits us best, not join the crowd. I think it is absolutely fine to take life at your own pace and I wish you the best of luck.

  11. #20
    Senior Member
    Join Date
    Apr 2005
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    215
    I haven't read all the posts so this may already have been said. Maybe what you need to do is elope. There is a great book called, "Let's Elope" that helped me out when I was stressing over wedding plans. I have always been leary of getting married.

    I'd been concered that things would change in the relationship that expectations would be different for the relationship once there was that leagal tie. But, mostly I hated the idea of spending outragious amounts of money for a day that in truth is not really for the couple but for the friends and family. Most couples are so stressed they don't even get to enjoy the day. I had seen how miserable my sister was at her fist wedding and did not really want to deal with it.

    We decided to marry in Scotlandand I do not regret it one bit. The entire 2 1/2 week trip which included our airfare, Mercedes rental, wedding and honeymoon cost $6000. We were able to start in London, travel to Bath, Blackpool, Gretna Green to wed, Edinburough, and to Oarkney then back to London. I've heard that most weddings alone cost more than that.

    Most people don't go this route, but it was right for us and so much less stress!

    Tomico


 
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