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  1. #21
    Senior Member
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    Feb 2005
    Location
    Rochester, NY
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    822
    Our wedding was only a couple of hundred bucks. We held it in our backyard, rented a tent, borrowed folding tables, put up streamers and ballons, I bought a secondhand dress, Lilacs from a friend's shrub, food made by my mom and sis, and a ceremony by a JP.
    No stress, no spending outrageous amounts of money. It was very nice!

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  3. #22
    Member
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    Aug 2004
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    54
    Sewlittletime, I'm planning to have a big party for my 10th anniversary similar to what you had for your wedding. It sounds perfect to me. I had a friend whose wedding was a barbecue in her backyard, and when I look at the pictures, she is the prettiest and happiest bride I've ever seen. When I look at pictures of my cousins who had the big fancy weddings their family wanted, I see a lot of stress in their faces.

  4. #23
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    Feb 2005
    Location
    Rochester, NY
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    822
    Jan1311~
    That is such a cool idea for your anniversary!
    My sister also had a small wedding, but more formal than mine. Since she lives in Chicago, but wanted to marry here, my mom and I did all the calling and footwork for her.
    Even in a smaller metropolis like Rochester, it's still a royal pain in the butt to find a venue where the minmum # of guests is less than 100-150 people.
    We finally found a really beautiful mansion in one of the older parts of the city which was owned by a women's organization. Everything turned out lovely, and my sister was definitely the glowing bride!!

  5. #24
    Senior Member
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    Nov 2004
    Location
    NYC
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    438
    I feel your pain on this one, as my parents had a horrible marriage that ended in violence (My mother survived it, thank goodness). When I had lived with my husband to be for a while, I wanted to get married- but not in the usual way. We ended up having a broom-jumping ceremony in front of our friends and family-of-choice. I got to dress up in a lovely thrift-shop wedding dress. We didn't invite either set of relatives.

    For legal reasons, if there is no common law in your state, you need to get paprerwork to cover the contingencies if you choose not to legally marry. Take it from a non-legal widow- I almost lost everything I had when my honey died suddenly, and would have if the executor and lawyer had not been friends who understood my situation. But do not EVER let your relatives force you into being married. If they want to have a big expensive party, they can throw one for themselves and make you the guest of honor.

    One other thing. Always hold onto the idea that you are a good person who makes good decisions. I'm sure you didn't pick a jerk. Trust yourself. Jumping that broom was the best thing I ever did, other than finishing grad school, because I finally felt I had declared my commitment to another person and put faith in my own good judgment.

  6. #25
    Senior Member
    Join Date
    Apr 2005
    Posts
    404
    I was lucky and my parents have a great marriage - although they aren't affectionate enough. My husband didn't have that same experience. My mother in law went through two husbands, a ton of boyfriends (one who was married), and has now settled with someone just because she wants to be "married" even though he's a piece of crap.

    Anyway. You aren't marrying your dad. And it's more like you're comparing him to the only other "husband" you've seen, or at least the only one that's affected your idea of marriage.

    It really depends on your relationship, but marriage didn't really affect how we treat each other at all. Except maybe for the better. It's comforting to know that this person accepted you until they die. We had been together 9 years before getting engaged, and it still felt a tad bit temporary (FOR US, I'm not saying if you don't get married, you're always going to feel temporary).

    The marriage isn't going to change him into an alcoholic, or a lazy ass or anything else UNLESS that's his idea of a husband. But it doesn't sound like he thinks that. It's not all that common, but I think there are a few guys out there that think a boyfriend treats his girlfriend like a princess, but a wife treats her husband like a king and he doesn't have to do anything. Married people are no different than people in committed relationships unless they choose to be.

    Oh, and the easiest piece of advice is that you don't have to follow along with what everyone else considers to be a "Wedding" And even if you think you might not want one, consider a small reception - doesn't have to be anything fancy or stressful, because it is really nice to be able to celebrate with everyone. That doesn't mean you need placecards, personalized napkins, a giant frothy cake, or a horrible DJ.

    Just try to envision what a fun party would be like to you and do that, it may be more fun for the guests anyway.

    With my family it was important for me to do this because our entire family never gets together for anything anymore. Except weddings. EVERYone comes to a wedding. Half our family goes to Christmas, even less for Easter and Thanksgiving. Even more people come to a funeral, but I prefer weddings. ;)

  7. #26
    Senior Member
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    Apr 2005
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    404
    Quote Originally Posted by elixirbeth
    Quote Originally Posted by creativecat
    I can assure you that if you've been living together for awhile, your relationship won't change just because you have a piece of paper. I lived with my husband for 2 years before we got married. The only thing that changed after the wedding was now we had lots of presents and a discount on our car insurance. It also took me 2 years after the wedding to decide to take his name (we've been married for over 5 years now and together for almost 8.)
    im really glad to hear you say that. a few years ago (before we got engaged) i was talking to a married friend and she said, "man, marriage changes EVERYTHING. it just DOES." and it completely terrified me. i guess it depends on how many skeletons youve got in the closet or something.
    It doesn't HAVE to change anything unless you let it if you have a preconceived idea of what you're supposed to turn into. That's so ridiculous for her to say that. It might've happened to her, but that doesn't mean it happens to everyone. And she might've even been talking about little unimportant things like how you might not be able to fall asleep to blasting music. Stuff you already found out when you moved in together.

    I lived with my husband for five years (?I think) before we got married. The only thing that changed for us is that I feel safer and more settled. And I got to change my name. Some people don't want to, and I did it because I don't see it as him "owning" me. To me it tells people we're married. Plus I liked his better than mine. If his last name was, like...Butt, or something, we would've considered changing HIS name to mine :)

    A marriage, really, is just a relationship. It's the same one you've been in, only you make it "legal". And only do it if YOU want to. What you're afraid of is so common. My husband was afraid that after we put our banking accounts together I'd go out and spend all of it. lol. But what it sounds like is that you're afraid of things happening to you when you really have control over it.

  8. #27
    Senior Member
    Join Date
    Apr 2005
    Posts
    215
    It's interesting that in this day and age people still have a problem with a woman keeping her own name. I have kept my name and my husband was a bit hurt by the idea. I told him if it was so important he could easily take my name. He actually said to me at one point but it is tradition for a woman to take the man's name. I pointed out that in no way had I ever led him to believe that I was a traditional woman. When he said, "You don't want to be Mrs. Gramm?" I pointed out that there already was one, his mother. He has accepted it but then he didn't have much of a choice in the matter. I knew that I would probably keep my name all my life. The only way I would change it is if the name was extreemly "cool."
    At the actual wedding cerimony when I was signing the papers, the minister said something like, "Now, what is your name?" "Tomico Revilak." "No, No, What is your name, now?" "Tomico Revilak." "no, no, you've just gotten married." "Oh, Tomico Revilak". He gave up. I don't think he ever got it.

    I have a friend who actually took his wife's name. The wedding was very unique. It was held in an erotic art gallery, I was one of the ushers in a tux, the groom wore a kilt, and they had a man dressed in a fairy out fit, bless the marriage at the end. Each member of the wedding party said something as a blessing or just to be funny. It was actually the best wedding I had ever gone to despite the lack of food. I don't know exactly why my friend gave up his name other than the fact that his name was pretty bad. I have a hope that he was showing his support for women's rights as well.
    At one point he had trouble when he went to France. He tried explaining that he had a maiden name. They thought he was trying to be a wiseass. He said it looked like it was about to get a bit dicey, until they saw his actual passport.

    Tomico

  9. #28
    Member
    Join Date
    Aug 2004
    Posts
    54
    Tomico, I didn't change my name either, but for me taking my husband's name wouldn't make him "own" me - it would mean that I was changing and becoming a whole different person because I was married, and I didn't want that.

    He was ok with it, his family was horrified and it just confirmed their dislike for me.

    The lady at the city hall really didn't get it though, and it had been 10 years since the law here allowed women not to take their husbands' names, so I figured they'd be used to it, but they weren't. It went "What is your name now?", and I said my name. Then "What is your name going to be after the wedding?" and I repeated my name. So she said, "No, I asked for your name after you get married" and I repeated my name. Then she typed the license and I see that she had just added my husband's last name to my name, so I explain to her again that no, I want my name exactly as it is now after marriage. She looks at me like I'm speaking Greek or something. At this point, I lost it. I said "Listen lady, I'm not gonna change my name. I might as well go to a farm and have him brand me with a hot poker before I change my name! Get it?" She was scared, but I got my license typed right.

  10. #29
    Senior Member
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    Jul 2004
    Location
    brooklyn
    Posts
    600
    Quote Originally Posted by Jan1311
    Tomico, I didn't change my name either, but for me taking my husband's name wouldn't make him "own" me - it would mean that I was changing and becoming a whole different person because I was married, and I didn't want that.

    He was ok with it, his family was horrified and it just confirmed their dislike for me.

    The lady at the city hall really didn't get it though, and it had been 10 years since the law here allowed women not to take their husbands' names, so I figured they'd be used to it, but they weren't. It went "What is your name now?", and I said my name. Then "What is your name going to be after the wedding?" and I repeated my name. So she said, "No, I asked for your name after you get married" and I repeated my name. Then she typed the license and I see that she had just added my husband's last name to my name, so I explain to her again that no, I want my name exactly as it is now after marriage. She looks at me like I'm speaking Greek or something. At this point, I lost it. I said "Listen lady, I'm not gonna change my name. I might as well go to a farm and have him brand me with a hot poker before I change my name! Get it?" She was scared, but I got my license typed right.
    NICE!!!

  11. #30
    Senior Member
    Join Date
    Apr 2005
    Posts
    215
    Jan1311,

    Did I say any where that I thought it was ownership? If I had I didn't intend to. I was 36 years old when we got maried and I did not want to have to have all my paperwork changed. I am very much into equallity and would even have been willing to change if he did to a completely different name. It would have been a lot of work but then the resposibility would have been shared.

    Where do you live that it has only been 10 years since they changed the law?

    Tomico


 
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