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  1. #31
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    Kind of going with the whole "name change" part of this discussion...I don't understand why choosing not to change your name is a women's rights statement. I only say this because my maiden name is my father's last name, and his before that, etc. It is a patriarchal name. So if I take my husbands name, I'm just changing from one man's name to another man's name - which I wanted to do since I saw it as a symbol of us being one. And I have no problem with others making a different choice, I just wanted to throw that out there....

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  3. #32
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    May 2004
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    I dont want to change my name when I get married for a few reasons.

    1)Im the last one. My dad has no other children and my aunts kids wont pass on the name so its all me.

    2) Its who I am. Its what Ive always been known as. Im proud of my family and where Ive come from.

    3) Im lazy as hell and hate paperwork

  4. #33
    Senior Member
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    Apr 2005
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    The point I feel is it is a huge burden on one person to have to change their name when they have esablished themselves as one person most of thier lives. For example, I would have to go back and change my degrees, my certifications, Social Security card and a whole lot of other things that I'm not even aware of. I have already established myself profesionally as Ms. Tomico Revilak. And, it is also harder if I have friends that I have lost contact with to find me if my name has been changed. Why should the sole responsiblity and inconvienence fall to the woman, just because she has gotten married? Hell, I don't blame men for not wanting to change their name, but why should I if they don't do the same?

    Your right, the name thing carried over from our father is patriarchal to begin with. I always felt that it would be nice to change that tradition as well. The fairest way to fix that would be daughters to inherit their mother's name and the son's to get the father's name. Then families would not have to worry that a name will nessarily be lost just because a daughter was born. But, since I don't plan to ever have kids (another topic thread going on), this would never have involved me anyway and it would not be very nice for me to dictate to others how to run their families.

    I enjoy a little debate. Never take me too personally.

  5. #34
    Guest
    Quote Originally Posted by Tomico Revilak
    The point I feel is it is a huge burden on one person to have to change their name when they have esablished themselves as one person most of thier lives.
    That's a good point.

    Your right, the name thing carried over from our father is patriarchal to begin with. I always felt that it would be nice to change that tradition as well. The fairest way to fix that would be daughters to inherit their mother's name and the son's to get the father's name.
    Of course, the mother's name came from her father and so on...
    I enjoy a little debate. Never take me too personally.
    Oh, me too - no problem!

  6. #35
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    Aug 2004
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    Quote Originally Posted by Tomico Revilak
    Jan1311,

    Did I say any where that I thought it was ownership? If I had I didn't intend to. I was 36 years old when we got maried and I did not want to have to have all my paperwork changed. I am very much into equallity and would even have been willing to change if he did to a completely different name. It would have been a lot of work but then the resposibility would have been shared.

    Where do you live that it has only been 10 years since they changed the law?

    Tomico
    Oh no you didn't - you said that you *didn't* view it as ownership, but still didn't wanna change it. What I meant was, I don't view it as ownership *either*.

    I live in Brazil.

    HalfnHalf, that was a good point. To me it wasn't about patriarchal rights, or even the inconvenience, or a matter of professional identity. It was just that changing my name when signing that piece of paper would mean everything was changed, and I was changed - the same concern that a lot of people who don't or didn't want to get married have had. By saying that my name is still the same, it represents that I'm still the same inside, at least for me.

    My husband suggested that we name a child with just my name. He doesn't speak to his father, and wouldn't want his child to have his father's name. I am sure that will be the final nail on the coffin of why his family hates me so... but that reason alone makes me wanna do it. I gotta call a lawyer and see if I can do that, and still have his name on the birth certificate.

  7. #36
    Senior Member
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    Nov 2004
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    Back to Elix...

    This spring is 15 yrs w/ Mr. Kiss. I've been wearing an engagement ring for about 7 of those! And there is NO wedding plans in sight.


    Keep telling yourself "There is nothing so important than that I feel good about my life." If you get a yucky feeling about something, for God's sake don't do it.

    You don't have to listen to the advice or debate of any of us, your gut is already telling you all you need to know! If it feels terrible to THINK about doing it, it will probably feel terrible to do it.

    Go with your gut, sis!! and feel good about it...

  8. #37
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    Aug 2004
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    kissmyknitz, you are very wise. The title of the topic said it all: "don't want to get married". If you don't want it for whatever reason, don't do it. We already have to do plenty of stuff we don't want to, like run errands, go to work, do chores, why do more if you don't have to?

  9. #38
    Senior Member
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    brooklyn
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    Quote Originally Posted by kissmyknitz
    Back to Elix...

    This spring is 15 yrs w/ Mr. Kiss. I've been wearing an engagement ring for about 7 of those! And there is NO wedding plans in sight.


    Keep telling yourself "There is nothing so important than that I feel good about my life." If you get a yucky feeling about something, for God's sake don't do it.

    You don't have to listen to the advice or debate of any of us, your gut is already telling you all you need to know! If it feels terrible to THINK about doing it, it will probably feel terrible to do it.

    Go with your gut, sis!! and feel good about it...
    thank you, thank you, THANK YOU. i had lunch with a friend the other day, and she relayed a wonderful story. she told me about some close friends of hers that were together for 30 (yes THIRTY) years before they decided to tie the knot. they felt that waiting encouraged them to be aware and patient... which is beautiful to me.

    i finally poured my heart out last night to my mr. he was a little hurt, but so so so so so SO supportive. i think it speaks volumes that he is being so patient. many men have such fagile egos... they would flip.

    im blessed, im happy, and for the time being, im thrilled to be living day by day.

    -- eli

  10. #39
    Member
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    Oct 2005
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    Dallas, TX
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    My husband and I were engaged for a long time, and both of us dreaded a wedding. Not because we didn't like the idea of getting married in front of a bunch of people, but because we both knew my mother would have her fingers in all of our pies, and we would have no say in anything. Also, my mother is, in general, a horrible and stressful person to be around at all.

    So one day, we just went down to the courthouse and did it. It was just us, in the middle of the afternoon (he had his work uniform on), and celebrated at Arby's afterward. It was absolutely no sweat. In fact, now that we look back on it, it was the best possible thing for us to do. We didn't even take any pictures. It was just us and the JP, so we're the only ones who know what went on, what was said, and it was all about us, and not about anyone else on the planet, which is exactly how it should be.

    As for the name-changing thing, we've been married for two years and I actually haven't decided yet. The reason for this, however, is that his last name is Watson and mine is Holmes. I really, REALLY don't want to lose that joke. :)

    Otherwise, the only major benefit we've experienced from getting married is the tax benefit. We got a HUGE return check because we qualified for EIC. In fact, we often discuss how overrated, outdated, and commercialized the institution of marriage has become. If you love each other, and want to be together, you absolutely do not need a sheet of paper to make that valid.

    And I'm glad it went so well talking to your guy last night. That's really, really hard to do, and the fact that he's being supportive also speaks volumes about his feelings for you. Good job sticking up for what you want.

  11. #40
    Senior Member
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    Apr 2005
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    215
    All I have to say about the children's name thing is, you gotta start somewhere. How far back do most of us know the matrilinial name to begin with? I only know my gandmother's maiden name.

    Good luck Elix. I understand your hesitation. I was with one man for seven years when I realized he wasn't right for me. He started to smoke pot more and more and quit his job. We were still living with his father after 6 years and anytime I suggested doing something else he said he wasn't ready for the commitment. Don't get me wrong he was one of the sweetest men in the world and he was commited to me, just not to finding a life of our own. I was much more motivated so we grew apart. We stayed friends. Eventually, he cleaned up his act on his own.

    Actually, I had been with another person for 5 years before that. I broke it off with him when realized I didn't need his psycological abuse anymore.

    I was 28 when I was finally thrown into the ugly world of dating. I had a hard time for about 8 years. Most of my relationships didn't last more than 8 months. Then, I got together with my pressant sweety. I married more for him than for myself. He had hoped to get married and he knew my phobia. I ended up asking him. I did know that I could grow old with him and be happy. We haven't celebrated our first aniversary, yet (we got married on leap day). We are still working out what it means to be married, but it hasn't been too tramatic. I came from a long line of divorcees (my great-grandmother was even divorced) and so I tell my sweety that I will be a widow before I'm a divorcee. He looks at me strange anytime I serve him mushrooms.

    Don't ever let someone tell you that a long term relationship is not the same as being married. That ticked me off to no end. We had joint accounts, bills, and lived together. Even married, I realize that long term relationships can be just as commited.

    Enjoy your relationship however you want to define it.

    Tomico


 
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