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  1. #1
    Senior Member
    Join Date
    Jul 2004
    Location
    brooklyn
    Posts
    600

    engaged, but dont want to get married...

    hey ladies... i feel completely trapped.

    i have been engaged for well over a year, and to be honest, there has not been a single SECOND that ive been excited about getting married. ive never considered myself to be the marrying type... i love my fiance, and i see my having a child with with this man, building a life with him, and growing old together.

    ive been in love before, so my feelings are not for lack of experience. my mother is convinced that im being lazy, that i simply dont want to plan a wedding.

    our date is set for july 8th... ive reserved a space, but that is IT. im so fucking SICK of my mother riding my ass about this. my fiance doesnt care one way or the other-- he would love to elope and just be done with all of this... but he is also surprisingly cool when i mention that id rather not get married at all.

    im not looking for any solutions... i know that i have to just CALL IT OFF. i guess i just needed a place to vent, and wanted to see if anyone else shares my feelings.

    -- eli.xoxo

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  3. #2
    Senior Member
    Join Date
    Sep 2004
    Posts
    456
    If he is OK with it, then don't get married. If you need to, have a "this is my life, you've lived your life" talk with your mom. But it's not important to you and your fiance (life partner, soon-to-be?) to be married, in the legal sense, then don't force yourselves to have a wedding. Honestly, if you harbor grudges like I can, you'll be irritated at your mom for a loooong time if you go through with "her" wedding. Good luck talking to her.

  4. #3
    Junior Member
    Join Date
    Jun 2005
    Location
    memphis
    Posts
    11
    you don't HAVE to get married. You can be in a completely committed, engaged relationship and not get married. If you wish, find different terms to use instead of engaged, which implies that you will get married. that way you won't have to answer the uncomfortable questions of "when are you getting married?". You may choose to have a committment ceremony with family and friends to show everyone that yes, we are committed and we want to be together, but we don't want to marry in the traditional, legal sense.

  5. #4
    Senior Member
    Join Date
    Sep 2004
    Posts
    323
    Or, if it's the wedding that's putting you off and not the actual state of being married, you could just set a date to go to city hall and have it over and done with quickly and with no fuss.

  6. #5
    Member
    Join Date
    Aug 2004
    Posts
    54
    That is what I did, craftytricks. I think the legal marriage thing is unnecessary, but makes life easier: after 2 years of living with my now husband, it seemed easier to have that piece of paper. But the idea of a wedding just didn't appeal to me. So city hall it was.

  7. #6
    Member
    Join Date
    May 2005
    Posts
    36
    Yup another city-haller here. We moved in together after dating for about 6 months. Got engaged at the 2yr mark and finally got married at the 7yr mark. Going on 9yrs total now. I just wasn't into getting married. At all. We finally just got a Justice of the Peace and did it to get it over with more or less. By then, I was already a stay at home "wife" and needed insurance and the tax break was nice too. It wasn't that we didn't and don't love one another deeply, I just couldn't see the point in getting married before that.

  8. #7
    Member
    Join Date
    Feb 2005
    Posts
    68
    i'm totally with you on this one.
    i've been with my partner for over 8 yrs, but i have no desire to have a wedding or get married. i want to be with him for the rest of our lives, but marriage just seems so... not what i want.
    i think there are a bunch of things that have contributed to this lack of desire to get married, but there has been plenty of pressure to get hitched as well. my grandmother still thinks we're not married because i'm desperately waiting for him to just decide to ask or something. it's a tough thing to explain to people, including your partner.

    i'm afraid i don't really have any advice or anything. i just wanted to chime in and say that i "called it off" and our relationship survived.
    good luck.

  9. #8
    Senior Member
    Join Date
    Sep 2005
    Location
    Pennsylvania
    Posts
    121
    I'm so looking forward to my Vegas wedding.

  10. #9
    Member
    Join Date
    Aug 2004
    Posts
    54
    If there were a Vegas in my country, I'd totally have a wedding. I've said that to my husband, that that is the only way I'd do it. Preferably while wearing white go-go boots...

  11. #10
    Senior Member
    Join Date
    Jul 2004
    Location
    brooklyn
    Posts
    600
    i guess this sounds cliche, but i think part of my "problem" is that my parents have a very unhappy marriage. my mother has stayed with my father "for the kids"... which i have never supported, even as a child. i could always tell that she was less of a mother, and less of herself because of my father.

    a huge fear of mine is that my fiance will transform into a manic alcoholic asshole as soon as he becomes a husband, and that ill be miserable.

    yikes. its therapy time.

    -- eli


 
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