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Thread: Baby-free time

  1. #1
    Junior Member
    Join Date
    Jan 2006

    Baby-free time

    So, I recently moved across the country, and don't have a whole lot of friends here, yet. But, I finally met a pretty cool gal on account of our babies -- mine 11mo., hers 8mo.; she's a stay-at-home mom, and I work from home -- and we've been planning on going out to lunch.
    She called today to say she couldn't do it this week and is going to be out of town next week, but that we should do it when she gets back. And I said, "Okay. We could even do it on a Saturday and leave the men with with the babies, you know, for a little baby-free time." Her answer kind of threw me off. She said, "I don't ever really need baby-free time... Do you?"
    And, I was like, "Yeah, sometimes it nice."
    Now, I know that I am a good mother. Completely devoted. But her comment kind of made me feel like a freak. Or maybe she thinks we're just friends because our babies play together, and there'd be no point to going out just the two of us for lunch? Or maybe I'm totally over-analyzing a meaningless comment...

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  3. #2
    Senior Member
    Join Date
    Aug 2004
    NSW, Australia
    Don't worry! She might be freaking out just as much as you over how her comments sounded or how you took them! She might also be a little shy and be worried about making conversation etc. without the babies to focus on, if you went out alone. Or maybe her husband wouldn't want to look after the baby while she went out (you never know).

    If I were you I'd just wait till she arrives back from being away, give her a call and suggest going out for a coffee. Take the babies this time, work on chatting about other stuff so she can see you have other things in common and suggest a baby free outing next time. It's nice making new friends. Don't give up on her yet!

  4. #3
    Join Date
    Aug 2005
    i agree with pudding, i have a tendency to say stupid things when i am first trying to make friends, and she probably didn't mean for it to come out quite that way.
    although i'm nowhere near a parent myself, i read a lot of blogs by both moms and dads of babies to toddlers and it seems like every one of them needs baby/kid-free time. (one woman, upon first wanting this time alone, freaked out a bit, feeling like she wasn't being a "good mom" and boy you should've seen the flood of understanding and supportive comments she recieved!)

  5. #4
    Senior Member
    Join Date
    Jul 2004

    Re: Baby-free time

    Quote Originally Posted by Sarabellum
    Or maybe she thinks we're just friends because our babies play together, and there'd be no point to going out just the two of us for lunch?
    i dont think youre a freak at all, sarabellum!

    actually, this is an issue that a friend of mine is wrestling with... she feels like many of her friends *with kids* have built their entire identity around their children, and arent even comfortable going out as a woman, and not a mother. i guess its doubly frustrating for her, because her child is grown and gone, and many of her friends still have little ones.

  6. #5
    Senior Member
    Join Date
    Jan 2005
    Braintree, Massachusetts
    Sarabellum, she's got to be in denial!! There's nothing wrong with needing time for yourself alone, in fact, it's healthy and can make you a better mom.

  7. #6
    Senior Member
    Join Date
    Dec 2004
    That would bum me out if someone said that to me. It would make me say something completely crazy the other way, like, "Oh you know I leave the kid every chance I get. At the circus with the clowns, at my local biker bar, whenever I can!" Just to kind of piss her off. Probably not the best way to make a new friend though. Give her another chance but my guess is she may be one of those moms who totally compares the kids and is into "competitive parenting".

    Aren't I Miss Mary Sunshine today!

  8. #7
    Senior Member
    Join Date
    Feb 2005
    Rochester, NY
    Hmmmmm....she doesn't ever really need baby-free time?? EEK! EVERYONE needs baby-free time sometimes!! I understand really enjoying being around your kids. I love hanging with my boys, and for the most part, always have. But, we NEED time to be with other adults.
    With that said......maybe she isn't confident in her husband's child care abilities, for whatever reason.
    Maybe she is WAAAAYYYY too absorbed in the mommy thing.
    Maybe, as pudding suggested, she's afraid she wouldn't have anything "important" to discuss w/o having the babies around to help carry the conversation.
    Ummmmm....I ran out of "maybes"! Anyway, why not have a "date" with the kids the first 1-2 times, then if you seem to still have a connection, try inviting her out w/o the babes again. You could always suggest a place that you know that it would be very difficult to bring a baby, to gage her response. OR during those 1st few playdates, one of your discussions could be about what kind of places you'd like to be able to go w/o the kids, and discussions of reliable babysitters you both know, etc.
    My kids are 11 and 4 now, and I've only had 1 babysitter that I can recall who was NOT a family member or friend, primarily because I never needed to hire anyone else. If she's not confident in her husband's skills, and doesn't yet have a reliable babysitter, that could be keeping her from agreeing to a date w/o the kids.
    OK...that was kind of long! But some things to consider! LOL!

  9. #8
    Senior Member
    Join Date
    Apr 2004
    New England
    I agree with most of what everyone's saying.

    I tried to be the devil's advocate in my head and all that I could come up with was perhaps a bit of separation anxiety on her part - I know I went thru that big time even just going for a haircut and being away from the baby - but that subsided after a few months, maybe she just hasn't gotten over it and/or wraps too much identity into being a mommy. Which I don't think is healthy.

    Maybe you can gently guide her into having good baby-free times?

  10. #9
    Senior Member
    Join Date
    Jul 2005
    There's also the possibility that she's massively insecure about the whole parenting thing, so maybe tends to overcompensate and comes off sounding judgemental.

    yes, voice of experience. I'm quite sure I did this type of thing after I had my first kid.

    Luckily, I mellowed quite a bit.

  11. #10
    Senior Member
    Join Date
    Apr 2004
    how mobile are the children?

    I can see that she might be less inclined to leave the child with a babysitter if she isn't constantly chasing after him/her to prevent trouble.

    some moms are just really protective of their children. I know one mom who hasn't gone on an overnight trip since the kids were born (almost 5 years now). It's hard for her husband, because he wants to go on a romantic weekend, and she won't leave the children with a babysitter (grandma, or someone else trustworthy).

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