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  1. #1
    Join Date
    May 2004
    northeast iowa/portland, or/BROOKLYN, Baby!

    good qualities in a s.o.?

    Hi here's the dealie-yo... i just got out of a relationship (and am not going to jump right into another one, i'm going to do some soul-searching and making out with random cuties) BUT i'm wondering what are good qualities to look for? what do YOU love about your significant other, or what do you look for in potential s.o.s?

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  3. #2
    Join Date
    Jun 2004
    wow that's a pretty difficult thing to sit back and articulate. hmm.
    there's major thing i looove about my squeeze more than anything else.

    from the time we met he never pretended like our relationship or i wasn't important, or that love wasn't important. i'm not saying he was full on from the start, but i see so many people trying to have relationships with funny, smart, kind whatever people who just don't seem to see the relationship as that important. which is fine if you don't either i guess, but if you're looking for longterm happiness i guess you both need to be valuing it more or less the same.

    so in a nutshull -- ability to and willingness to love.

    sorry i am in inartilcuate ramble mode today!

  4. #3
    Senior Member
    Join Date
    Apr 2004
    Funny. He's got to make me laugh & get my sense of humor. That's one of the most important things for me.
    & over 6'4" would be nice, because I have a weird thing for very tall guys.

  5. #4
    Senior Member
    Join Date
    Dec 2004

    Make a list and accept no less

    Met my Most Wonderful Spud shortly after I narrowly escaped an engagement to Mr. Irresponsible Starving Artist Gamble the Rent Money. Very Pretty but Bad News.

    I made a list of attributes I demanded of my next S.O. Roughly like this:

    1. Smart- do not ask me for definitions or expect me to play dumb to make you feel better.
    2. A degree or other demonstrable employable job skill.
    3. Moral/Ethical- not necessarily religious or spiritual, just a decent compassionate human being.
    4. Lives on his own. Not with Parents, Sisters, or Creepy roommates.
    5. Sense of humor...kinda nebulous here...but someone who can appreciate both dorky slapstick as well as sublety and nuance in the absurd.
    6. Similar values. Interests change, core values do not.
    7. Older than me. Tired of being Mommy to men my own age.
    8. Looks not as important; however I admit to not being self-evolved enough to snuggle up to Quasimodo.
    9. GOALS!!! Preferably goals on which his is working toward.. with demonstrable progress.
    10. Eventually want parenthood. No, not immediately. But eventually.
    11. Respect me for who I am and where I'm going/changing
    12. Support me emotionally on the trip.

    After I made my list, I got on with my life and focued on me- went back to school, took care of myself, etc. I refused to settle for less than what was on my list, despite well- intentioned friends.....BEWARE OF WELL-INTENTIONED FRIENDS!!!!! They will try to hook you up with every loser their sad- a$$ed Lay of the Moment knows. RUN!

    Met Spud the Wonder Spouse at a Dead Milkmen concert. Drunk off his butt, but still whip smart and very funny. Introduced by mutual guy friends. We hung out as a group for about 6mo, scoping each other..and getting to know each other in non dating scene. By the first real date, everything just "clicked." That was OMG!!!! 17yr ago in Feb!!!!!! Married for 12.5yrs. 2 MonkeyBoys. 2 Labradors. 1 small century house. I finished undergrad school, was licensed. He finished grad school and we've both been employed ever since. We've lived in crappy poor student housing and luxury townhouses. Traveled domestic and abroad. Kids by turns are great and Gifted, but also high maintenance and have a way of sucking all disposabe income like walking black holes.

    So how did Spud stack up against the List?
    1. Smart? Yup. Undergrad degrees in phsyics and comp sci. Master's in parallel processing and artificial intelligence.
    2. see above.
    3. Diest and supremely ethical and kind.
    4. Lived on his own since he was 18.
    5. Great sense of humor..very wry and dry.
    6. Same core values.
    7. 4yrs older than me.
    8. 100% Irish - very similar to Kenneth Brannagh. Has the most glorious laughing ice blue eyes rimmed in indigo. Lovely sandy red curls, and strawberry blonde beard. Nuff said.
    9. Always has goals, and always achieves them.
    10. Hated other people's kids, but wanted his own. Eventually. Have 2 and he's active in the boys' activities. Other kids wish he was their dad.
    11. & 12. Best friend and tolerates my eccentricities with a bemused smile..even when I bring home yet another dog or committ to one more thing.

    So, my advice? Make your List and check it twice! Don't settle for less.

  6. #5
    Senior Member
    Join Date
    Apr 2004
    I never really had a firm list because I didn't date very much before I got married, but here are my current top fives:

    1. he must be smart. if not book-smart, smart in some other way.
    2. he must be a good listener. I can't stand people who are just pretending to listen until you get to a point where they can interrupt you, people who don't bother waiting and just interrupt, or people who don't even pretend to listen.
    3. he must be kind. doesn't mean he has to kiss kittens and puppies while frolicking through a rose garden, just general human kindness will do.
    4. he must know himself and not be afraid to get things done. boys who are insecure make me feel more insecure, and that's the last thing I need. and carrying someone who's supposed to be your PARTNER through adulthood isn't all it's cracked up to be. (see bessiemae's #7, hee.)
    5. he must be able to keep his temper. throwing vcrs and breaking my baking sheets? so not cool.

    Oh, and one more: he must be honest. That one's so important I don't even need to put it on the list.

    Be fluid with what you're looking for, though. People can change a lot. And know what's really basically important to you and what's kind of a it-would-be-nice-if thing, because what seems important to you now might fly out the window when you find the one that fits. like my old list with it's "he must be able to sing" and "he must read as much as me." mr. lemming does not sing and does not read and honestly, he hits maybe three of the six on my current list at any given time, but he's still mr. lemming, and we work.

  7. #6
    Senior Member
    Join Date
    Apr 2004
    Met Spud the Wonder Spouse at a Dead Milkmen concert
    I thought that was the best sentence ever.

  8. #7
    Join Date
    Aug 2004
    New York
    Things I found Importaint,
    stability and honesty
    ability to understand me and my moods
    Not a habitual substance abuser
    Interesting needs personalty
    Show emotions/ is emotionaly there

    shallow things
    being taller than me so he had to be over 6foot,
    blond (not super importaint)

    I was luck to find some one who has all these qualities and more 6foot 7 and blond!!

    Basicly I thought about ex-boyfriends and things about them I did not like, and then when I stopped looking I meet my mr wonderful.


  9. #8
    Join Date
    Oct 2004
    hmmm as someone starting the divorce process, this is an interesting question...

    responsibility (financially, to himself, and to family)
    must enjoy my (3) children...that'll be a tough one, who wants to date a single mom of 3?!
    definately have some ethics
    be able to keep a job, oo maybe a career!

    I could go on, but I see this turning nito a bitch session and i won't expose you guys to that...hehe

  10. #9
    Senior Member
    Join Date
    Apr 2004
    Sense of humor. You can't survive in my family with out it.

  11. #10
    Senior Member
    Join Date
    Sep 2004
    Twin Cities
    Here are the qualities that my sweetie has.. we havebeen together for about 10 years now,

    He is very patient, kind, funny, creative, considerate, intelligent, works hard, attentive. forgiving, laid back, and has the spirit of a child.

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