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  1. #1
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    Big bad horrible problems...advice?

    I haven't been on here as regular as I used to be because I've been dealing with a family issue that is literally making me nuts.
    My little sister that is 15 years old has gone wild. Lately things have been getting way out of hand and although I don't live with my parents (I'm married, own a home) I get drawn into all the problems still back at "home".
    My parents have always had a shity marriage. Through the years I've dealt with it in my own way. My dad would cheat on my mom, and then my mom would cheat on my dad, visous cycle. My mom always would say she's going to leave my father, but then somehow they would "patch" things up and pretend nothing ever happened. During all of this I was abused by a family member and when I got old enough to speak up I did. My parents sent me to counseling, and as it turned out my mom was abused by the same person. I took comfort in that my parents were going to protect me, but I was soon to find out otherwise.
    Within a year, the family member that abused me was magically back in our family without questions. I was terrified and confused since I couldn't understand why my parents would even let him around me. As I analize it now, I realize that my parents were too involved in their own personal lives to even care what I was going through. I don't mean to sound selfish, but I'm their daughter-it's was their resonsibility.
    Time passed, and I grew tired of my parent's ways. I decided as soon as I could move out the better and then all my worries and hurt would go away. Unfortunetly, they didn't.
    Back to my sister, she's volnerable. Recently my mother decided to drop the bomb on her and tell her about this affair that she is having for 8 years. Sis can't take it. In the meantime, sis is going out and doing really bad stuff. My mom is "okay" with it. She's only okay with it because she thinks my sister isn't going to run to my dad and tell. So my mom allows her, a 15 year old, to do drugs, smoke cigarettes, get drunk, and have lots of sex because of her own guilty consciece. Because of all this, I have to play the role of big sister, mom, and best friend. This is way too much for me to handle at times. I took many panic attacks lately where I sit and shake uncontrolably and wail crying.
    I decided to talk to my sis one on one and try to make her understand what is right and wrong. In doing so, I opened new doors of information that I didn't even know about. It turns out my sister had been abused too by the same family member-and I am furious. The consiquences of my family's behevior has cause my sister to go ape shit. I've handled my problems, but everyone handles things differently-and my sister's way is retaliation. She actually told me that she WANTS mom to tell her she's grounded, or not to do the things she does. She also said that if it wasn't for me she'd be doing cocaine and herion, and she wishes I was her mother.
    What am I supposed to do here? I can't go on being my sister's fill in parent. It's not because I am imature or don't want to be there, it's just this weight I have to bear is too much for me to handle. Do I go to my father and tell him the truth? Do I find the guy my mother is seeing's wife and tell her? Oh yeah, that's also a big issue. My mom keeps telling my sis that this guy is the love of her life, but he refuses to leave his wife because he's cathlic. Sorry to offend, but what a fucking hipocrite!
    Then, last night my mom calls me and flips out telling me that her private life is none of my business and I need to stop telling my sister things. I understand it's her private life, but she fails to see the problems she is causing by doing all of this. She says she never has done anything to hurt her girls. I can't even begin to understand her logic for saying that. Is she freakin' blind? My sister said she was angry and told mom she can't believe what she is doing. Automatically it is my fault that my sister is upset.

    I know this is an extremely heavy post for on this board, but anyone who reads this should know that I have no where to turn. My husband and best friend are always there for me but they offer no sollutions.

    I want to also say that I have a bad case of dilexia, and that is why I always have tons of typo errors. Sorry.

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  3. #2
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    Anne,

    I have had some shitty home experiences too, and the only way I could deal with it is to distance myself from them as much as possible. You don't need a mom to be happy in life. You can get rid of this toxic relationship just like you got rid of your toxic gall bladder! You just have to cut it away... permanantly! Just stop calling them and don't answer when they call.

    But your sister needs help too. You need to get her away from them. Since your sister is suffering actual physical harm by this person, you need to call DHS and have her removed from the home. You don't have to take her in (tho it would probably be a good thing in the long run), there are probably foster homes or centers she can live in that will give her the stucture and stabilty she needs and obviously craves. Don't wait to do this!

    Please don't feel alone. Hardly anybody has a really great family life, just some are weirder than others. But when ypou become a woman, you have to put away these childhood traumas and look at the world as a woman. You can do it. And we are all here to help you!

    (If you want someone to blab to, no pressure no guilt, no opinion if you want, PM me and I'll give you my #)

  4. #3
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    Apr 2004
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    Re: Big bad horrible problems...advice?

    Quote Originally Posted by boheme-anne
    My little sister that is 15 years old has gone wild. Lately things have been getting way out of hand and although I don't live with my parents (I'm married, own a home) I get drawn into all the problems still back at "home".
    Is it feasible for you to take your sister in and provide a home for her, at least for now?

    I think if you did this, it would be a good idea to do some family therapy that included you and your sister and some individual therapy for her.

    If this simply isn't possible, I agree about involving the authorities. She needs guidance and grounded adults in her life, badly.

  5. #4
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    your moms probobly isn't freakin' blind. i thought mine was. lately, i've realized it was just her coping mechanism... an unhealthy, detrimental coping mechanism, but the only way she knew how to deal with things.

    i guess i would try to swoop my sister up out of that mess. i donno. it's always hard to give advice to someone, because it's NOT my life, my sister, my family. i had a pretty messed up home life too, but everyone's messed-up-ness is a little different.

    i'm guessing the statute of limitations isn't up on some of the crimes that family member did. maybe you could call the 5-0 on them? i know that's not always an option, and will probobly piss people off temporarily. but in the long run, hopefully it will help...

    you got lots of us on here, so holla if you need us.

  6. #5
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    baby, you need Al-Anon. i've been going to Al-Anon for about 8 months, and i have finally realized that not only am i not alone, but i don't have to solve all of my family's problems by myself. many people in Al-Anon grew up in abusive families. even if you don't think any of your relatives are alcoholics or drug addicts, the kind of stuff you are dealing with is exactly what Al-Anon can help you with. there's a meeting locator here if you're interested: http://www.al-anon.alateen.org/meetings/meeting.html

    i heartly DISAGREE with people who think you should take your sister in to your home. call CPS, call the cops do whatever you feel needs to happen, but you need to take care of yourself here. if your sister is in physical danger and needs a place to stay, that's one thing, but becoming a surrogate parent to your sister is not a healthy place to put yourself.

  7. #6
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    Oct 2004
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    I've had problems with my family, although thankfully they are different and not as bad as yours. A lot of my problems with my mom and I've been in councelling the last year and a half and it has helped so much! It sounds like you went to councelling for the abuse you suffered, but stopped going because you thought your family was going to protect you. I urge you as step one to go back to councelling if you aren't already in it. One of the biggest things I've learned in councelling is that most people will never change so that if they are hurting you now they will continue to do so in the future. You have to step back from the situation and realize that there's nothing you can do to to make your parents start acting like parents. It will never happen and it's going to get worse so you need to get your sister out of there now.

    I also disagree that your sister should come live with you. You are right, you are not her mother. As selfish as it might sound, taking care of yourself is your number one priority. I realize that at 15, going into CPS is going to be a nightmare for her and she may resent you for calling, but you need to do it. The only other thing I can think of is if there were a trusted family member she could stay with, but with your family situation it doesn't sound like it.

    Also, I don't know the statute of limitations on prosecuting this person who abused you and your mother, but if this person is hurting your sister now you MUST DO SOMETHING. As a teenager I was abused by the youth minister of my church and I was too terrified to tell my parents or anyone about it later. Now somedays I feel sick with worry that he might be out there hurting other girls and that I let it happen by not reporting him. The regret you will live with it not worth it, so if you can call the cops on this person please do it. I am very very sorry that your parents allowed the person who hurt you back in your family. I cannot imagine how that must have been for you and how betrayed you must have felt. For that reason, if nothing else, you have to realize that your parents are not going to protect your sister either and while it's not up to you to be her mom, you should do what you can to get her out of that household.

  8. #7
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    you're sister really needs you. she's just a kid. and you're the only one that knows what she's going through. and you seem to be the only one in her life that can keep her safe.

    pressing charges against this asshole that keeps abusing all the women in your family would be great, but i totally understand you not wanting to go there.

    if nothing else sweetie, help your sister. she's your family and she needs someone more than anything. not a stranger but someone who loves her.

  9. #8
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    Boheme-Anne, I cannot begin to know what you are going through, but I am so sorry to hear that. Please just know that I (and everyone else here) will keep you in my (our) thoughts. Take care of your self, I am sending ((((hugs)))) your way.

  10. #9
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    austin, tx
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    I don't know that I can offer much helpful advice, but I just wanted to say that I'm glad this is still a place where people feel they can find support and help for these types of issues.

    While your situation is far and away worse than anything I've dealt with, I do relate to the burden passed on to you by your parents, and how angry it makes you feel. You have every reason to be deeply resentful of this...if you didn't have a little sister, you'd be able to separate yourself from your family and find that independence and life you obviously need and want for yourself. The caveat however....

    I don't really feel comfortable giving advice, but I want to encourage you to continue supporting and protecting your sister. In three years, she'll be 18 and able to move out and away, and then you two will be a much stronger unit of mutual support. It's hugely unfair to you. Obviously you aren't able to expect reasonable things from your parents...It's a shitty lot in life....but there's a gift in it for you and your sister if you two can band together. And yes, you'll have to be the stronger one...

    I'm so sorry to read your post. I'm sorry for the things you've had done to you, and the frustration you feel about how it mucks up your own happiness, which you obviously are in pursuit of! I know how it feels to be pulled back into family hardships when you are trying to free yourself from them.

    xoxox

  11. #10
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    Quote Originally Posted by stella
    baby, you need Al-Anon. sister .
    I'm going to contact someone through e-mail to see if there is a meeting closer to me. Closest I think is Lancaster, and that is actually pretty far.

    The family member that I was talking about that abused us no longer touches my sister but my main view that I failed to mention is that I also have a 2 year old sister. I know it might have been really odd I didn't mention that in my first post but my 15 year old sis is the one with the huge problems at the moment. My fear is that my baby sis might have an issue with this someday too. The family member doesn't stick around enough to have time alone with my little sis, so I take comfort in that. However, he is always there for holidays and he drives my grandmother to my parent's house so she can babysit. One thing I can't allow is my mom taking my baby sister to my grandmother's house for babysitting because he lives with my gram. He's my uncle. My grandmother isn't all together there in the mind to watch the baby by herself so my 15 year old sister stays there when she is sitting. I know that sounds odd too, but it would break my gram's heart if we told her she can't watch the baby-so we pretend like she is if that makes sense.
    As far as calling authorites, I'm really not sure. The main concern is my sister getting raped or overdosing. I think what I am going to do is call her cell phone many times a night when I know she's out to tell me what is going on. I want to know what she is doing at all times and take her if I know she is getting wasted. Recently she told me that she was drunk and high on some pills and went up the woods in an suv with two guys and her bestfriend (who is not a great person either when it comes to drugs and sex). She said she remmbered taking her clothing off, but then didn't recal anything else until they were driving them back to her bestfriend's house. Sis said she stumbled into the bathroom and felt sore all over her body. When she went to the bathroom, she pulled a condom out of her. (sorry I know that's graphic)
    I cannot sit back and know something like that or worse is going to happen again. It's friday today, and I know she's going to be out. I'll be calling her more than she is going to appriecate.
    I want to say thank you for all of the support. It's nice to know that there are people that really do care even though we are all miles apart. I'm sure I'll be posting my progress.


 
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