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  1. #1
    Junior Member
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    May 2005
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    22

    Love the one your with.

    This is kinda wierd but I think i need to get it off my chest...I feel so guilty about this. Wondering if this is just me or if anyone else has felt this way. I am in a great relationship (3yrs). We're great together and most likely I will marry this person. We are very happy and his family is great and my family and friends love him. He is 10 years older so getting married and having children is closer than i had anticipated so of course my brain is overloaded with wonder and anxiety.

    The problem is, and i'm not sure if it's because i am scared of commitement but I wonder if this is the person I am suppose to marry. I keep having dreams about past boyfriends and find myself wondering what they are up to and (I admit it) doing Google name search for them. Of course I have never physically acted (finding phone numbers or addresses or tried to look for them) on these curiosities but its driving me crazy, how can a person who is in a loving relationship look for something more, I feel so selfish and inconsiderate and it would kill me if he knew I felt this way - he'd be so hurt.

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  3. #2
    Member
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    Mar 2005
    Location
    ohio
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    i know exactly how you feel!! although marriage isnt anywhere close for my boyfriend and i, and we've only been dating 9 months (hey, it's the longest i've ever dated ANYONE!).. we started talking about marriage very early on, i think because we really connected very early on...

    anyway, yes, i cant help but wonder "what could have been" and i think about my ex boyfriend, and you know i'm still sad that he and i broke up..

    also, i wonder what other guys would be like to date...

    my problem is i expect perfection... even though that's not even possible.. if a guy has a few minor flaws, i panic. i'm trying to teach myself that even the greatest boyfriend/husband will not be perfect, and that it takes years and years to get to know someone, and really learn how to please eachother.. heck, one thing i'm terrified of, is even though my boyfriend is the gentlest, sweetest guys i've ever met.. what if when/if we get married he becomes this completely other person, and abusive and controlling??

    i think it's a trust issue, my dear... and i think it's probably normal, and will develop over time. also, i think that's a sign that you're really not ready for marriage and possibly feel pressured. you shouldnt agree to marry anyone, no matter how much you love them, even if he/she might be ready to take the plunge... just take a deep breath, and remember that if this person loves you, they will stay with you until you feel ready to tie the knot, or break it off if this isnt someone you want to marry...

    just remember- just because he asks, doesnt mean you have to say yes!

    i hope you clear things up with yourself! just remember there's no rush, so no use worrying about things that havent come yet! (note to self: take your own advice!! haha)

  4. #3
    Junior Member
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    Jan 2005
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    Boulder, Colorado
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    12
    This is completely crazy.. reading your post was like reading a page out of my diary.. I've been with the same guy for almost 2 years now and I know he's going to propose sometime in the future.. I just really question whether he is the one I'm supposed to be with.. so I'd love more input because if I could clear my head and make a solid decision, my life will be beautiful, either way.

  5. #4
    Member
    Join Date
    Apr 2005
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    78
    I think it's normal to feel that way. I've wondered what could have been, but each past relationship didn't work out for a reason that would still be a problem today. And the longer I'm in my current situation, the more "just right" it feels.

    I married my best bud. No initial spark, but I knew within 5 minutes of meeting him that he would be one of my best friends and that he'd probably be in my life for a very long time. We grew on each other, eventually morphed into f***-buddies and mutually reached the point of, "OK, I'm ready to get married now. You're comfortable like my favorite shoes, and you know how to scratch my itch. You'll do".

    While it didn't start out with the passionate "hotness" that my other relationships had, after a certain period of time, it was just like any other long-term relationship that had reached that comfortable familiar stage. Agape, after the initial rush of eros wears off.

    I think we all miss the thrill of the chase sometimes, the unknown, the nervous fumbling, the mystery, the time before first doing the deed. It was fun. But there's something to be said for someone who knows the good, the bad, and the ugly about you and loves you anyway.

    Ten years here. We both still ogle young hotties with their "new car smell", but we're both content to come home every night to someone who can discern the "Please-please get me a Coke, I'm watching this" facial expression from the "I'm so tired, please deal with the kids' baths and let me go to bed" facial expression.

  6. #5
    Guest
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    Nov 2004
    Location
    North Georgia Mountains
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    191
    the fact that the others are PAST boyfriends usually means something went sour before the present person in your life came to be. UNless you are getting negative vibes from the present person, don't make a bad decision on what if. And that's my 2 cents worth

  7. #6
    Junior Member
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    Mar 2005
    Location
    Fields of Green
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    23
    It's normal to remember back. I am married to a wonderful man who looks nothing like any of my better looking, more stylish former boyfriends but who is the love of my life. 10 years later and I'm not as good looking or as stylish as I once fancied myself but it doesn't matter. I have someone who is respectful, funny, and smart.

    I still look at old photographs but I long more for who I used to be (carefree and wild, sounds like a bad 80's song) than I do for the guys who I happened to be with at the time.

    Now I've got to go google old boyfriends.

  8. #7
    Member
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    Apr 2005
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    78
    [quote="Poppy"].

    I still look at old photographs but I long more for who I used to be (carefree and wild, sounds like a bad 80's song) than I do for the guys who I happened to be with at the time.

    quote]

    The first song that popped into my head when I read that was Bon Jovi's "Never Say Goodbye". Oh, the angsty drama. My youth was a bad 80's song, with a steady stream of bad 80's songs as the soundtrack.

    When I look at the old photographs, I think, "Wow, I was too pretty enough and skinny enough. Why didn't I see that then?", followed by "I spent a year with that loser. Why?"

  9. #8
    Senior Member
    Join Date
    Dec 2004
    Posts
    282
    Not all the guys I was with prior to Spouse were losers, but they all served to teach me valuable lessons about myself and what I was not willing to tolerate. Without them, I would not appreciate the lovely qualities of My Love.

    Beloved Spouse, neither homely nor the Prettiest of my paramours (honestly, I'm not evolved enough to bed Quasimodo), but he is wicked brilliant, funny, respectful, and adores me to no end- no easy feat. He has the most amazing blue eyes, gentle smile, and blond curls. A superb father. Supportive of all my endeavors and transformations.

    Like Poppy and Neuroticdawg, I, too, sometimes long for the Girl who had no stretchmarks, no carpool, no responsibilities, and wore a size 1. Honestly, though, she was annoying and vapid with her insecurities and lack of focus or goals.

    She's been replaced by an interesting, self-motivated woman with accomplishments and plans. A woman who has found her inner strength and honed it. I think she's sexier and more attractive now than Back in the Day. The constant? Spouse.

    Still friends with some previous paramours, but, as has been said, all too aware of Why Things Didn't Work Out. Makes for OK friends, but not lovers or spouses. Together 17 yrs this summer. Married for almost 13. Yeah, I had to do the math to figure it out. Not everyday is great or even good, but committed never to hurt each other. Good days far outweigh the bad. And bad days are always temporary.


 

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