Page 1 of 2 12 LastLast
Results 1 to 10 of 11
  1. #1
    Junior Member
    Join Date
    Jun 2004
    Location
    Toronto, ON
    Posts
    4

    crafting a long-term relationship?

    Hello, I am (kind of) new. I was a member a few years ago when getcrafty was very new, then stopped posting after a while due to busy-ness and laziness. But I have always visited periodically because it is a site I enjoy reading.

    I'm wondering what people's thoughts are on marriage vs. a long-term common-law relationship. I have been in a very stable, happy relationship for almost four years and marriage has just never really come up. While on the one hand I'd like to have a big party and get presents and make public vows, on the other I'm just not really sure if it's necessary.

    One thing I've heard from some people is that marriage does change your relationship - it could be either good or bad - but it *does* change. I guess I'm wondering...if it's not broke, do I really need to fix it? (I also come from a long line of divorces and unhappy marriages, so that could be partly why I'm feeling conflicted.)

    Thoughts?

  2. # ADS

  3. #2
    Senior Member
    Join Date
    May 2004
    Location
    Plano, TX
    Posts
    168
    hey there & welcome back,
    just my thoughts, but maybe it hasn't come up because maybe you & your S.O. don't really *need* the marriage thing? Or maybe you aren't ready?
    Marriage is more than a big party - that's a wedding - a marriage is all the blood, sweat, tears, laughter, big dreams, big heartaches and general hard work that come afterwards. Oh yes, marriage changes your relationship, but so many other things do as well - marriage is just harder to get out of!
    I don't think the big ceremony is necessary( I did it, but in hindsight I wish I hadn't). I don't think you have to have to be married to have a lifelong commitment. It's not for everyone & only you can know if it is right for you!
    :miss m

  4. #3
    Senior Member
    Join Date
    Apr 2004
    Posts
    811
    Marriage can protect your rights and your property in a way that a committed non legal relationship can't. Not all states, and probably not all provinces, have common law regarding unions. We use the term in the common parlance, but it may not be something the courts will acknowledge.

    If you own a business or property or have children together, a marriage is a good idea because of that protection. You can sometimes contract for it without a marriage, but even stuff like life insurance beneficiaries may cause problems for an unmarried couple.

    *Anything* can change anything. A union is not changed so dramatically by the legal marriage as it is by the fuss and bother that may attend the wedding. Or the financial adjustments that may come with planning a future together. Maybe you and your mate have already discussed kids and joint finances and long term goals, but it's usually planning a wedding that kickstarts that kind of stuff. A wedding might make one partner more keenly interested in retirement plans than previously, for instance.

  5. #4
    Member
    Join Date
    Apr 2004
    Location
    Seattle
    Posts
    72
    I may be an exception to the rule, but when my hub (now ex hub) and I got married we didn't notice a change. We got home from our honeymoon and looked at each other and said "Do you feel any different? No. Do you? No." hehe

    Getting married isn't as big of a deal as moving in together. If you live separately and then get married and move in together than YES! Big Change! ;)

    IMO getting married is more about the legal benes than the relationship. but it IS a nice way to share your commitment to each other publicly. Some people may want that and some may not.

    Big help huh? ;)

  6. #5
    Senior Member
    Join Date
    Apr 2004
    Posts
    171
    I've always thought the whole "marriage changes everything!" was more in peoples' heads than anything else. I will note though, people do treat you differently. People don't think you're really "together" until you get married.

  7. #6
    Senior Member
    Join Date
    Apr 2004
    Posts
    140
    My boy and I have been together for... it will be seven years in July. It wasn't until about two years ago that we began thinking about marriage. I guess we both have problems making decisions because we're still talking about it! Actually, we really do plan to get married. It's just a matter of money and timing. We are both pretty busy. My boy is still in school. Etc.

    I think that for us, marriage mostly means legal acknowledgement. We have been living together almost as long as we have been in our relationship. So we don't foresee a big change in our relationship. We have simply reached a point where saying "my boyfriend" or "my girlfriend" doesn't seem to really cut it. People can sometimes take that to mean a casual relationship, rather than a seven-year, long-term, committed relationship. We are ready to say "my husband" and "my wife".

    I have always said I would just elope, rather than have a public celebration. But it seems really silly after all these years to just go to the courthouse and sign some papers. So... I think we will still elope but somewhere fun. And that's where the delay comes in. We can't decide where or when.

    Did this help? Probably not. It's a very personal decision if and when the time is right for you and your significant other.

  8. #7
    Junior Member
    Join Date
    May 2004
    Location
    Hollywood, CA
    Posts
    2
    For me, marriage changed nothing except how others saw us. We've been together for (ohgodIfeelsoold) 14 years and married for 8 of them. I never really dreamed about the huge storybook wedding. At the time he was a delivery driver and had a fairly minor accident in the snow. I flipped because I had no legal rights as his girlfriend had he been hospitalized (he was fine, no hospital was involved). That was were marrige really became an option. We knew how strong our relationship was, we needed the ceremony for everyone else.

  9. #8
    Junior Member
    Join Date
    Jun 2004
    Location
    Toronto, ON
    Posts
    4
    Thanks for responding! You all make good points.

    I haven't given a lot of thought to the legal aspects, actually...and that's probably something I should do. We've been living together for almost 3 years now and I'm sure there's things we need to consider.

    And it's interesting what a few of you said re: the relationship itself not changing, but peoples' perceptions of your relationship changing. I've had past relationships where suddenly I became "the girlfriend" - and not in a good way. You know, outsiders thinking I was "controlling" him or not letting him "hang out with the guys" simply because I was "the girlfriend" - when in actual fact that dynamic didn't exist within our relationship at all. I guess that really speaks to the ingrained attitudes and expectations a lot of us still have about male/female relationships. It's something that drives me nuts!

    I've also been thinking a lot about the ways we "craft" long-term relationships...and this is something I'm also quite conflicted about...the general rule is, long-term relationships mean merging financially...and yet, they say one of the biggest causes of divorce is money. My boyfriend and I essentially live like roommates right now - splitting stuff more or less down the middle and keeping our finances separate. (this is also possible because we aren't homeowners and aren't looking to be for quite some time.) Part of me thinks that by never merging our finances, we may never achieve true intimacy or trust (does that make sense?)...and part of me thinks that maybe keeping our money more or less separated is actually a really sensible way to avoid nasty conflict.

  10. #9
    Member
    Join Date
    Apr 2004
    Posts
    38
    I recently got engaged so I am on the marriage side of the fence but thats what I want a marriage not a wedding. The more I think about it I want to elope with my beloved somewhere where the focus is really our commitment and not what kind of food I served or didn't serve. I have to admit I didn't always feel that way but I just feel like weddings create so much conflict. They also seem to get political where the bridal party is involved.

    I say go for it if you want it. The one benefit to being married is that if something did happen and he had to be in the hospital you have more say. I have had that happen. My SO was in the ER and the nurse wouldn't let me back there because I was related yet I was the only family for 720 miles.

    Overall, do what you want because that is what will make you happy.

  11. #10
    Senior Member
    Join Date
    Apr 2004
    Posts
    140
    the general rule is, long-term relationships mean merging financially...and yet, they say one of the biggest causes of divorce is money. My boyfriend and I essentially live like roommates right now - splitting stuff more or less down the middle and keeping our finances separate. (this is also possible because we aren't homeowners and aren't looking to be for quite some time.) Part of me thinks that by never merging our finances, we may never achieve true intimacy or trust (does that make sense?)...and part of me thinks that maybe keeping our money more or less separated is actually a really sensible way to avoid nasty conflict.
    I struggle with this too. My boy and I share just about everything but money. It works for us. He writes me a check each month for his half of rent and bills and then I pay the bills. I like to think I am more financially savvy and I actually like handling finances. I am a person who meticulously writes everything in my checkbook - my boy does not.

    His sister got into a big discussion with us once that if we were not going to share money, then why be married or some such nonsense. I don't know, people feel really strongly about this issue.

    It's kind of weird because when we go grocery shopping we separate our food and pay separately. Sometimes that seems weird to me. But we often eat completely different meals. I'm a vegetarian, he's not. I don't buy his meat, he doesn't buy my fake meat.

    It's weird sometimes, but this works for us. So I think for now we're sticking to it. We don't ever have to worry about how we spend "our" money because we each spend money on frivolous things however we want to. If I want to buy yarn, no big deal. If he wants to buy comic books, no big deal. That's not to say that if one of us is in a pinch financially, we won't help the other out. We do help each other if the need arises.


 
Page 1 of 2 12 LastLast

Remove Ads

Ads

Posting Permissions

  • You may not post new threads
  • You may not post replies
  • You may not post attachments
  • You may not edit your posts
  •  

Similar Threads

  1. relationship with your mother...
    By illybang in forum Domestic Bliss
    Replies: 41
    Last Post: 12-09-2020, 12:14 AM
  2. Relationship troubles. Any adivce?
    By Christi in forum Domestic Bliss
    Replies: 12
    Last Post: 04-03-2009, 01:09 AM
  3. would you rather (relationship q?)
    By laurenmarie in forum Freestyle
    Replies: 9
    Last Post: 11-23-2006, 09:57 AM
  4. Relationship anxiety -- Long distance?
    By visivo in forum Freestyle
    Replies: 2
    Last Post: 02-28-2006, 08:11 AM
  5. Replies: 3
    Last Post: 06-01-2004, 04:07 PM