View Poll Results: Would you date someone if you did not like their friends

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  • yes

    5 38.46%
  • no

    8 61.54%
Results 1 to 10 of 10
  1. #1
    Junior Member
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    Frustrated with man, any advise?

    I have been dating a guy for 2 years. I met his friends a long time ago, one family in particular almost made me call it quits with him. This family has two year old twin boys, the husband is verbally abusive and has tried to commit suicide while the boys were home & on another occasion, threatened to kill himself & his wife. I am working on a report to social services right now...
    Anyway, I have expressed my dislike of this family to my SO, and he respects that. He told me that he would like to stay in their lives to be of support & to be a good role model to the boys & that he would not involve me in it. I hate that he is allowing them into his life, the husband refuses to get help & is constantly treating his family like crap. He does not seem to move forward at all. I think that this family is keeping my SO from growing and our relationship from growing. I cannot picture myself marrying or starting a family with someone who allows people in his life like that. I am stuck as to whether I should wait this out or call it quits. I love this man with all of my heart and would hate it to end over this. I am at a loss.

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  3. #2
    Senior Member
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    How do you think that family is keeping your relationship from growing? I think that's the question you need to answer before you get answers from anyone else.

    Otherwise - if you really love him, then there's nothing you can do. I love a man with a fairly disfunctional family, and I love him enough to overlook it. I think his sister is a terrible parent, and I frequently wonder if her kids will even make it to grammar school. But I stay out of it and try to make the best of (and minimize) my visits there.

  4. #3
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    the types of people one chooses to surround oneself with are a direct reflection on that person. sure... i could casually date some guy that had rotten friends, but it would never last.

    most of the time, the friends end up winning out. the man would grow resentful that he doenst get to spend as much time as he would like with his buddies. "i USED to see them all the time... blah blah". i was with a fellow that had really nasty female friends-- these girls were clearly jealous of my relationship with him, and would have done anything to sabotage it.

    have you asked your boyfriend why he values these people? what characteristics do they possess that make them good friends? is it a case of "i want to end the friendship, but i dont know how"? if you dont like his answers, maybe you need to sit down and have a long discussion about YOUR values and how you would like them to fit with his.

    i dont feel comfortable giving advice beyond this-- i think you already have a pretty solid understanding of the decisions you'll have to make.

    hugs, eli.xoxo

  5. #4
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    I think that the friends are hindering our relationship because my SO has hit a cross road in his life & is not focusing on himself, rather the drama of the family. I also worry about our future together. I know that I do not want them in my life, but if he is willing to have them in his life, then there is a problem. How can I seperate that, more importantly, how can he keep it seperate?
    I have asked why he values this relationship, and he tells me that he sees that the husband is a good person. He also loves the children. That is as deep as it goes.
    Like I said, it tears me up because I know that my SO is being a good person, and trying to help someone who really needs it. I just think that he is enabling them. He did tell me that he will never borrow them money again, they borrowed a couple grand & never paid him back. He forgave the debt to save the friendship. I think that they use my SO for all that he has. Sorry I am so disorganized in my thoughts, there is just so much running through my head right now.

  6. #5
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    I can understand if he wanted to stay friends w/ the guy because he just wanted him as a friend....but if he's trying to help his family and it sounds like he will feel really guilty and bad if he doesn't at least try to help be a role model for the kids.......

    I had a "bad" friend who would slightly abuse our friendship. Basically it was a friendship whenever she needed it to be. Eventually my SO won out.

    My husband had a really awful annoying friend who would laugh when I would get moody/depressed. Enough to make me want to reach back and smack him. (but I didn't, heh). And he's not a friend anymore.

    Friends don't always win out...the strongest relationship wins out.

    My mother in law is staying with an awful husband mostly because she feels like she is the only person to take care of his young kids from a previous marriage. Just because she associates herself with this guy (not physically abusive, thank god) so she can help these three kids doesn't mean I want nothing to do with her. I just want nothing to do with the guy.

    And you say you can't see yourself marrying someone who lets people like this in their lives....But you have to really look at the relationship they have. Is the guy in your SO's life just for friendship, or does he really feel like he has to have the connection to help the rest of the family. That's what it sounds like in your post, but you know your SO's behavior better than we do.

  7. #6
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    Jun 2005
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    i think this is different that just having jerk friends. it sounds like your so is really trying to make a difference in the kids' lives, which is a pretty admirable thing considering their loser father. instead of suggesting he can the entire thing, suggest he find ways to focus on the kids and be there for them (take them places, hang out after school, whatever) while gradually losing contact with the father (beyond a friendly, can i hang out with your kids way). probably one of the toughest things to learn is that you can't control what someone else does, esp in this guy's case, but the kids shouldn't lose out b/c of that.

  8. #7
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    maybe setting some boundaries would work? he sounds like he is doing that already - like NO cash assistance, ever. and limiting the amount of time he spends with them. ideally the time-limits would come naturally as your boyfriend filled his time with more productive things for him. threatening to kill his wife? i think for me this would be the dealbreaker. your boyfriend should call the police immediately. and also let the wife know what, if any, support he can give her and the boys.

    domestic violence site: http://www.ndvh.org/index.php

    good luck! i would also examine very closely why you feel that his relationship with this family would cause you to never want a family with him. do you think it indicates a lack of maturity? priorities? judgment? all of those are things that can be learned.

    you know, reading this all again - i think it sounds worse and worse. i highly suggest reading "the gift of fear" - this "friend" of your boyfriend's sounds terribly unstable and possibly violent. not to panic you, but if your boyfriend refuses to loan him $$, he might come after you as being the cause of it. this is well beyond thinking your boyfriend's friends are jerks, and is escalated into the possible threat category.

    if my partner considered one of my acquaintences a possible threat, and was even the tiniest bit justified, i would take the safe road and cut of all contact with the person in question. no sense in learning all of life's lessons the hard way, you know?

  9. #8
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    Mr. Kiss was friends with a guy that beat his girlfriend. I drew a line there. No way I'm dealing with that. I told him, if you're friendly with him, you might as well say, "Hey, its ok with me if you beat up a girl." Mr. Kiss saw my point of view. If he ever spent time with that guy, he didn't let me know about it.

    Maybe that is helpful to you?

    Call social services and maybe you can get the dad out of the house. Then your Mr. can really be a good role model for the kids. Anything other than getting the dad out of the house is accepting this man's bad behavior. The kids will see their dad is awful, and that he had a friend that accepted his awful-ness. You Mr. will look like a pussy-doormat, not a good role model. Getting the dad away from the kids is the only way to be good to them.

    I don't think you should trash the relationship, I think you should make him understand what he's really doing by staying friends with a jackass.

  10. #9
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    I'm with Kissmyknitz on this one. Your guy sees that his friend is a "good person"? Good people don't verbally abuse their spouses, attempt suicide in front of their children or issue death threats to anyone. The friend is seriously disturbed and a danger to himself and others. He needs help, and not the kind of help an enabling friend can provide.

    It's honorable that he wants to be a good role model for his friend's kids, but that's a self-righteous excuse to avoid making any unpleasant changes in the friendship. He's not doing them any favors by sticking with their dad through all his screwups. He's being a co-dependent doormat and sending the message that even if other adults don't do the bad stuff Daddy does, they still condone it and can't/won't make it stop.

    You have the right idea, reporting the family to Social Services. It sounds as if the #1 priority is to get the mother and kids to safety away from the father. Of course if you and your SO are involved in that, he'll likely see it as a betrayal of the friendship, lay a huge guilt trip on your SO and blame you for "turning him against his friend". Well, TOUGH. The guy needs professional help, and if your SO really cares about him and his family, he'll realize that it's worth temporarily sacrificing their friendship to get it.

    As far as your staying with him through all this behavior - It's up to you. Being the audience for someone else's trainwreck drama (and thereby "having it good" by comparison) is a lot easier than doing any work to improve his own life. It's telling that you recognize this friendship is holding him back that way. Ask yourself in what ways he is holding you back and what your relationship with him is helping you avoid. It may be that if this particular situation is resolved, he'll just move on to something similar. Could you put up with his pretending to save hopeless causes for the rest of your life?

  11. #10
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    Two years of dating is a long time to break up over your SO having negative friends. If you are truly considering it, I might think there is another underlying problem.

    I would say not to break up with him because friends come and go, plus you might meet someone else with great friends and a horribly dysfunctional family or homicidal ex. When we first met ten years ago, I didn't care for half of my husbands friends who were mostly leftover from high school and pretty immature. Over time my husband out grew them and we haven't seen most of them in years.

    It sounds like your SO knows his friend is no good and is trying to make a difference in his friend's family life the only way he knows how. Have you really shared your thoughts with him like you are right here? I think you guys will have to sit down and really talk it out if it is bothering you this much.


 

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