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  1. #1
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    dumb relationship question

    okay, so i'm thinking about talking to my ex about getting back together... i know we both really miss each other. i went through about a month of being bitter about the relationship, but now that i'm over that, i really miss him. i broke up with him after 3 years, and i'm not sure if it was a big mistake. i mean, there are issues that we would still have to deal with, but... it's a long story, and i'm sure you can fill in the blanks. of course, i haven't talked to him about this yet, so he could be totally not interested, but i have a strong feeling he would want to give the whole "relationship" thing another try.

    the thing is, i slept with someone else after we broke up. it doesn't seem like a big deal to me (and it wasn't that great anyways) but i think it will be to him. does that happen to people? it's not like i cheated on him, because we were broken-up and out of contact completely for a few months when it happened. would you consider getting back together with someone in my situation? should i consider myself screwed (um, no pun intended) or should i talk to him about it?

    of the many things i am good at and know about, relationships are not one.

    thanks for any advice/input/words of wisdom.

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  3. #2
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    My advice is to definitely definitely talk to him about it. If he really wants to give the relationship another shot then that's just one of the things you two are going to have to work through.

    2 of my friends were in a similar situation. The one who slept with someone else while they were broken up never told his boyfriend and it ultimately lead to the final demise of the relationship. Eventhough he never said anything, it still lead to a lot of mistrust and insecurity on both sides.

  4. #3
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    Does this phrase mean anything to you:

    "But we were on a breeeaaaakkkkk!!!"

    I don't think it has anything to do with him. It's not his business. You don't owe it to him to tell him - unless of course he asks. It's as simple as that! (To me, of course.)

    One thing you shouldn't do is tell him out of guilt if it will only make him feel worse. I don't see where it is relevant to possibly getting back together. I just don't see it.

  5. #4
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    Usually I would say no, but it seems like you guys have been broken up for a while (judging by your "few months" comment) so if you're still into him after that long then maybe it is worth another go?

    Talk to him, but make sure you know why you're doing it first. If it's just that you're scared of new experiences and worried that no-one else can give you what you want maybe that's an issue you need to address by yourself...

    Good luck!

  6. #5
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    hmmm. I don't know, from the little I know of him, and from what you've said, I don't think he would take it well. could you talk to him about getting back together without mentioning it? or would that be lying by omission?
    I'm just thinking if the shoe were on the other foot, and it really didn't mean anything, I just might not want to know. but then again, I might lose my shit if I found out later and he hadn't told me.
    I'm no help.

  7. #6
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    1. don't get back together. it is generally a bad idea. i've done it many times and i shouldn't have.

    2. if you get back together, don't tell him about the other guy. he really doesn't need to know.

  8. #7
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    I'm not going to give you advice as to whether or not to get back together. Sometimes people need to be apart to realize they love each other and that the problems were workable. Sometimes people just don't want to learn. You have to decide that.

    As to the whether-or-not to tell about your sex-scapade, I would. For me, honesty is the #1 important thing. My partner knows all of my sexual history - not necessarily in play-by-play detail, but he knows how many partners I had, how long i had them, and any general extranneous issues that relate to my current sexual preferences. If we broke up, and I had other sexual partners, then we got back together, I would be honest about it, because for me relationships are all about honesty. I mean, if I couldn't be honest about my sexual history, I would not want a relationship with this guy, you know?

    But me and my partner are both fairly liberated sexually, so this might not be an attitude that would translate well. I have often lamented that the Special Boy was very sexually inexperienced when we met - not becuase he had a lot to learn, but because I think he would benefit by a frame of reference. I would rather he wasn't wondering what he was missing - our sex life is sooo good, I would like him to have a frame of reference so that he realized how lucky we are!

    That was a long rant - my point is, I would tell, but it depends on the context of your relationship ...

  9. #8
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    I would tell, but it depends on the context of your relationship ...
    i agree - i would tell also - but for you it may depend on a alot of things. in my mind a good indicator would be whether or not you'll feel deceptive with him if you don't. if it's going to make you feel uncomfortable when you are with him i would make sure to speak up. on the other hand if there's a part of you that feels what happened during this period apart is none of his business (i think there's a strong arguement this way as well) - then i wouldn't bother and concentrate on moving forward - unless of course he asks...

    also - i don't know whether or not it 's applicable to you but i agree with fonzarella a bit about getting back together with exes. i don't thinks its an absolute no-no or anything but having gone through a break up from a longterm realtionship myself i know there was a period where everything seemed like a big mistake and i missed him terribly. during this time it was really easy for me to ignore all of the reasons we parted and all of the ways my life had improved (and all of the ways his life probably improved)...

    so i guess my advice would be (if it were my place to give it :) ) to think carefully about what's going to work best for you and go from there...

    good luck!!

  10. #9
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    thanks for all the input.

    when i broke up with him, i was clear that i really hoped that things would work out for us in the future, but i needed some time to work on my own shit without being in a long-distance relationship. i've been thinking a lot about why i wanted to break up with him, and i've been trying to focus on all of the shitty things he's ever done to convince myself that i don't want to be with him. but he's still my best friend, and i still love him. the last time i ended a long term relationship, i was heartbroken for a few months and then got over it. this time, i was relieved for a few months, and then got back into talking to him on a "friends" basis and remembered why i fell in love with him to begin with.

    there are a few "lines" i need to draw about being in a relationship with him, and who knows, he might not even be able to accept them. but if he can, and i can deal with his stuff that bothers me, then i think it would be worth it to try again.

    i think i have to tell him about my sex-having, but i don't think i'm going to make a big deal out of it. just on a health basis, he deserves to know my sexual history, and i would want to know his. plus, i am REALLY bad at keeping secrets about myself. i always end up feeling guilty and randomly blurting out the truth.

    midnightandlulu, that's totally my issue! i don't think it's any of his business, and i sort of don't want to know what he's been doing, but i would probably flip the fuck out if he didn't tell me something and i found out later.

  11. #10
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    I'm pretty liberated. My boyfriend and I live apart right now, and he knows I've had sex twice with another person during the relationship to ease the stress (I made sure I picked people I was no way going to fall for). I truly do believe in honesty. But- there are some things that some men don't need to know. Not all men- some men. Some men get freaked out by knowing certain things- but that often means they aren't the best men to be with. And that's really what seems to be the issue- can you tell him? Is he going to be upset? If you don't tell him, do you want to reunite with a man who be angry that you had a sex life while the two of you were apart?


 
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