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  1. #1
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    What would you do? I've had it with friend's guy!

    Ok, I'll try to keep this short, but I'm so outraged right now I need and outlet and some advice.
    One of my closest friends has been dating this guy for almost a year now and I've had it with this guy. None of our mutual friends like him. He's currently working on his doctoral degree and has a real unnecessary superiority complex. He's unemployed right now and my friend is totally supporting him. I tried to help out by getting him an interview at my job (we have similar carreer fields) and my coworkers were completely turned off by his attitude and couldn't offer him the position. My friend really likes this guy for some reason, but even though they have been together a year he still won't refer to her as his "girlfriend."

    Then tonight we all went out to eat and my husband paid our part of the check in cash (including our part of the tip) and my friend's boyfriend put the rest on his credit card. It wasn't until we were leaving the table that I noticed he had put the rest on his card, literally! He pocketed all of our cash and left no tip for the waitress!!! I was so shocked that I stumbled out of the restaurant and had to wait until we got in our car to tell my husband (he didn't see the guy do it). Of course we went back to restaurant and gave the poor waitress her tip (our bill was over $50 and we had occupied her table for a couple hours) and apologized for the incident, but I'm still fuming! Not only did this jerk not leave a tip, and we have to leave a tip twice, but we essentially paid for his dinner and he had the biggest meal!

    What would you do? I'd like to think it was an accident, but I feel like I keep giving this guy the benefit of the doubt and he doesn't deserve it. I know that you can't get between a friend and the person they are seeing, but I don't even want to hang out with my friend if he's going to be around. Also, I feel terrible for not confronting him at the restaurant. It just makes me wonder how many other times has he done this.

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  3. #2
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    Second issue first: some people will take cash left out for a meal and charge the entire amount on their credit card. It's kind of like cashing a check. Most people I know who do this ask first if this is okay with the rest of the dining party -- it's courteous. Courtesy doesn't seem to be this guy's concern, however. I certainly hope he included the entire tip on his payment, because stealing a cash tip like that is just plain skanky.

    Which leads me to the first part lastly: What do you call a PhD candidate that acts like a skank? A skank. I don't care HOW much education he has. I truly feel for your friend who seems to be under this loser's spell. Nothing you can do as far as I know, until she comes to her senses herself -- anything you may say will only push her closer to him. Just be there to comfort her when it's over. And in the meantime, make up polite excuses if she suggests a group outing.

  4. #3
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    My old advice, after losing a great friend because I told him he was being used by the girl, was to keep your mouth shut. Now one of my dearest friends is going to marry a guy who lets his family treat her like crap and used to do some pretty crappy things himself too. (He may still do them, but she hasn't called me on the phone in tears lately.) Of course if he won't even call her his girlfriend there may not be an eminent proposal. Just intervene before it goes too far...

    (Etiquette hijack: I've added the tip to the charge slip and pocketed all the cash before, is that uncommon? Or do you always leave a cash tip even when charging the meal?)

  5. #4
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    I would hesitate to call him a skank because you don't specify if he stole the tip or if he put it on his card, which would be acceptable if he made sure to include enough tip from everyone. It doesn't sound like you asked him, either.

    People are brought up differently and have different opinions about attitudes. My ex best friend thought my husband wasn't good enough for me and after five years, it's her I've stopped talking to. My situation isn't ideal and has never been, but I got tired of hearing her opinions on what I have to do with my adult life and the way she treated him when we were all together made me not want to be with her. Whether you approve of him or not, it's your friend's decision and you can be there for her in case it falls apart or be happy for her if works out or check out now.

    Also, I find the terms "boyfriend" and "girlfriend" immature and never referred to my husband as such and he didn't refer to me in that manner, either. However, if he's lying about being with her and denies that they are even dating, that's a problem.

  6. #5
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    In regards to the restaurant situation, request separate checks. That way if he wants to be a dick and stiff the server, you won't suffer for it. If he had left your intended tip (plus his own), I wouldn't have a problem with him putting the entire amount on his card. However, it sounds to me like he's just trying to get out of paying for his entire meal.

    Regarding the friend dating this scumbag, you have to be very careful about approaching the situation. If you don't want to confront the situation, try to suggest girls-only outings. If you're willing to talk to her, convince her how much of a catch she is and that she deserves the best--which this guy is not.

  7. #6
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    your friend may know things about this guy that you don't. people end up together for lots of different reasons, and couples that we can't personally fathom can spend many happy years together.

    that said, you don't have to like him. i would tell your friend if he stole the waitress's tip and didnt put it on the card, because that's just fucked up, but other than that, bite your tongue. why ruin a friendship over the guy? it's really none of your business who your friend wants to be with, and unless he's abusing her, you should stay out of it unless she approaches you with a problem.

    Ph.D. candidates are a dime a dozen where i live, and they're just people. some of them are cool, and some of them are jackasses.

  8. #7
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    Yeah, I think I'm just going to keep my mouth shut about it. There were a couple instances in the past where he did weird things and I kinda wanted to talk about them with my friend and she just didn't see it. I don't want her to end up hating me because of this jerk so hopefully it will just work itself out.

    And sorry if I didn't clarify enough the first time -- he didn't just pocket the cash and put it all on his card, I would have been fine with that. The bill was sitting on the table face up and I could see that he just made a dash mark in the section where you add the tip in. And when I returned afterwards and gave the waitress her tip she said she was confused and thought she had made us mad or something -- she hadn't of course, he was just being an ass! From now on I'm just asking for seperate checks, but I don't know if I can show my face in that restaurant with them again.

  9. #8
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    wow, that's a majorly jerky maneuver! I would definitely mention that to your friend... maybe in the tone of "Oh, I think ______ accidentally took the tip we left for the waitress and forgot to add the tip to his credit card. we went back and tipped the waitress, but do you think he could return the tip money to us?" i don't know, that sounds polite, and makes it clear what happened, but doesn't come across as combative.

  10. #9
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    In that case, he's not skanky, he's a thief. I, too, would politely explain the situation to HIM that you had included the tip in your cash left at the table and since you noticed he "forgot" to put it on his card, you paid twice and you'd like it back.


 

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