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Thread: No SEX? What?

  1. #1
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    No SEX? What?

    I know, thats what you will probably say...

    This post is probably just a cry for someone to state the obvious - see a professional. But I have to ask anyway.

    My fiance and I have been together for about 5 years. We haven't had sex for over a year. Here are the excuses, take em or leave em: We bought a new house over a year ago, then we adopted a dog, we had his parent's stay with us from London for 5 1/2 weeks, I am on medication that kills my libido...It just seemed to keep stretching, the time between I mean doing the deed I mean. It's like when I felt like it he would say something rude and then I would just be angry with him. Now since we've gotten engaged, it's been tough, wedding plans, arguing about money. Since it's been so long, it feels strange to initiate it. I've "talked" to him about it on several occasions. Here is how it goes:
    "Are you upset that we haven't had sex in a long time?" - Me.
    "Yes" - Him.
    "Are you being serious right now?" (He is usually a big kidder) - Me
    "What do you think we should do?" - Me
    "I don't know." - Him

    Thats as far as it goes. Has anyone gone this long with someone they love? What helped get past the brick wall?

    Help. I feel like we're both at each others throats because deep down we're both upset about it. We bicker about everything lately.

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  3. #2
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    Sounds like it would be an excellent time to see a counselor. It would probably be a really, really good idea to work this out before you get married.

  4. #3
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    Put the wedding plans on hold, if they're looming. Speaking from painful experience, I assure you that you do not want to be figuring this stuff out after the wedding. Getting married won't fix things; it will only raise the stakes.

    This isn't intended to dissuade you from marriage overall. But communication problems kill relationships, as I am sadly discovering. And that's exactly what you're seeing now, with regards to sex, talking about sex, and all those "excuses".

    If you're finding you can't talk about sex, one of the world's greatest motivators, what else might you be unable to talk about?

    I strongly second the recommendation to find a counselor. Go to several, until you find one you (both) click with. Hopefully it will help and strengthen your relationship, but no matter what, it should help you figure out your communication problems, and help you come to decisions about how to approach said problems.

  5. #4
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    Thanks guys. I thought that's what you smarty pants' would say. I knew it, now making it happen will be the hardest part. He's a manly man and is a bit weary of "councelors". Thanks guys I can always count on you!

  6. #5
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    I am having the same problem. I've been with my boy for over a year, and we have sex maybe once a month, which bothers him lots and lots. I don't know if we should go to counseling, because we're young, and we're not getting married any time soon.
    It's no fun. I ask him if he's ok with it, and he says no, but he'll deal with it. Which isn't fair to him, and it's not fair to me because I have to deal with his constant attempts to initiate antics.
    What to do, what to do?

  7. #6
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    My partner and I have had sexual difficulties that we are only just now starting to work out. It really sucks to be in a couple situation and it feels like everyone but you manages to get it together in the bedroom. There were some extenuating circumstances in our case (my partner's trans), but knowing the reasons doesn't make it much easier.

    But seriously, you've got to at least make progress on this before having a wedding. You will kick yourself if you get married with this issue still up in the air.

    Part of the problem (imho) is once you've fallen out of the habit of having sex, it's surprising hard to fall back into it. It's going to initially feel very awkward when you try to nuture intimacy. You have to walk a fine line between not forcing things but also moving forward.

    Unscheduled, relaxed couple bonding time helps. Not scheduling sex per se, but giving sex a chance to happen in a relaxed way. Any chance of the two of you taking a vacation together?

    Edited to add, a couple of drinks in our case does wonders for difficult discussions. I don't mean getting blotto, I mean being loosened up and having a nice conversation over martinis. YMMV.

  8. #7
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    My boy and I had fallen out of the rhythm for the last few months - well, I was mostly uninterested and unappreciative of the concept. Anyway, boy recently had to leave the country for work - and just before he left it came back with a vengance! And then he came back and we're still enjoying each other's company.

    Of course, scheduling separate time and lots of work stress might be hard to replicate...

  9. #8
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    Quote Originally Posted by kindarana
    My boy and I had fallen out of the rhythm for the last few months - well, I was mostly uninterested and unappreciative of the concept. Anyway, boy recently had to leave the country for work - and just before he left it came back with a vengance! And then he came back and we're still enjoying each other's company.

    Of course, scheduling separate time and lots of work stress might be hard to replicate...
    Sounds very nice. Really happy for you!

    Talked to the boy last night, we decided to start doing more things together since we've been so busy lately. I also looked into some councelors around here but he is not into that at all. I told him if things don't start moving in the right direction that a counselor is going to be required before we get married. We have 11 months until we get married so with fingers crossed I am looking ahead with a smile.

  10. #9
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    Emma,

    sound like you guys are being thoughtful about this and that is a good thing. My experience has been that when things are super stressful/busy, the last thing on the mind is getting romantic and having sex. It is an easy thing to go out the window, since the consequences of not having clean laundry/not doing homework/not calling mom back/not walking the dog are far more immediate and visible!

    I think it's better to address this now, b/c let me tell ya if/once you have kids finding the chance to have sex gets a lot trickier! Have a plan in place now and you'll thank yourself!

    Good luck...Jen

  11. #10
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    I just wanted to throw my hat in the ring and say I know how it feels. Before the wedding we hadn't been sexually active in what felt like so long. I had moved back in with my parents after college and he had done the same so unless we were into quickies when no one was around (which rarely happened) we just weren't having sex. Not to mention all the pressure from the wedding itself, I had a family member in the hospital, was taking anti-depresants that killed my sex drive and his job was forcing him to work stressful 60 hour+ work weeks. Then I started to freak out because I felt like it put all this pressure on just doing the act itself and I didn't want my wedding night to be all awkward and strange. In the end we didn't even have a chance -- the hotel we were staying in our honeymoon night before our trip in the morning had a fire that night not long after we had checked in. We spent most of the night outside watching fire trucks until we ran in and collapsed before our taxi would arrive in the morning. But I mean, c'mon! A fire in the hotel on our wedding night?! I felt like the universe was telling us it didn't want us to get together!

    Of course in the end things have worked out, but I know how it can feel like everyone else is able to get their groove on and you feel bad because you can't. While we aren't in couples councelling I do see my own talk therapist once a month that has helped in this area and I would have to agree with Marina-Trilobyte's suggestion of having a few drinks. Being able to relax and not think about it is one of the best ways to help me let go and get in the mood.


 
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