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  1. #1
    Member
    Join Date
    Jun 2004
    Location
    los angeles
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    74

    bad roommate scene -- need your advice (long!)

    Hi ladies,

    I could really use some input on a situation with my roommate.

    He's my husband's stepbrother, and moved in with us last year because his credit was too crappy to get his own place. For the most part he's been ok, keeping to himself, but has some occasional bad habits that come from what seems like a total lack of common sense. This is something I've witnessed in both his father (my step-dad-in-law) and his biological brother. They just seem to be missing that part of their brains that tells them what's appropriate behavior around other people.

    About a month ago, he mentions in passing that he might have a couple friends stay with us at the end of July. My reaction was that it'd be a little crowded, since our place is so small, but hey what the hell. And that was the last I heard of it.

    Well this weekend he went on a cleaning frenzy around the house. I should've known something was up, but I do the same thing from time to time & chalked it up to restlessness and the heat. He said nothing to my husband or I; in fact in retrospect he pretty much avoided us.

    He works normal weekdays, my husband & I both freelance from home. Yesterday at around lunchtime, I was sitting in front of the computer in next-to-nothing as he wasn't expected home until 5:30, when he walks in with two suitcase-lugging girls in tow. He's got this look on his face like the cat that ate the canary. I was stunned & speechless. I stammered something about not knowing anyone was coming until the END of the month & dashed to get some clothes on. Once dressed I went out on the patio to smoke & get my bearings, and he comes out wearing the same damn smile -- half giddy, half guilty as hell.

    He then proceeds to tell me that his girl friends are staying with us a week, and that he intentionally hid it from us because he thought we wouldn't be ok with it. My jaw hit the pavement. I said almost nothing because I was just too stunned.

    The mister & I left for the rest of the day, and when we came back the three of them were looking for hotel rooms around town. They left last night & haven't been back since.

    I didn't say anything, but I would've been ok with the guests. Really, it would've been overcrowded and annoying, but I can deal.

    But it's this intentional deception that has me shaking with rage even while I type. How can we ever possibly forgive him? How can we trust this person who shares out home? And how can I even get over the smug look on his face when he admitted to deceiving us?

    I know this is long, and if you've read this far you get a great big hug :) Any input or advice on how to deal with this gracefully would be eternally appreciated...

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  3. #2
    Member
    Join Date
    Apr 2004
    Location
    Smalltimore
    Posts
    71
    Wow. That really does sound like he's missing something in his brain that tells him how to behave. I don't think you did anything wrong, and you shouldn't feel guilty about them staying in hotels. But I think your husband (possibly alone, possibly with you) needs to have a talk with him soon, and explain that when he's making decisions that affect all of you, you should all be in on the decision making.

  4. #3
    Senior Member
    Join Date
    Apr 2004
    Location
    California
    Posts
    364
    Deffinatly need to talk to him.Both that you would have been okay with his visitors if he'd ASKED,and that it had better not happen again.Also that his bold defiance is childish.Your not parents but you deserve to be respected.
    My humble opinion.

  5. #4
    Senior Member
    Join Date
    May 2004
    Location
    austin, tx
    Posts
    196
    Oh man. I wouldn't have had the slightest problem telling them all then and there they shouldn't bother unpacking because they'd be staying somewhere else. Unbelievable. I would be pushing for him to leave too.

  6. #5
    Senior Member
    Join Date
    May 2004
    Posts
    375
    Ya...I think I'd pack all his stuff and tell him to find another place to live...
    Maybe that's really harsh, but come on. He's an adult, you all are, why can't he communicate like one?

  7. #6
    Member
    Join Date
    Jun 2004
    Location
    los angeles
    Posts
    74
    Thanks you guys. I appreciate the support enormously.

    Sublime & EmpressMel, that's exactly what we decided yesterday. Especially since he's made absolutely no move to apologize or even talk to us since this whole thing went down. I think we're just going to let him know that it's time he looked for a place of his own.

  8. #7
    Senior Member
    Join Date
    May 2004
    Posts
    375
    Good good! Just wondering though,
    Does he have a key to your house? If he does, get it back, and then change the locks asap. Maybe I'm seriously paranoid, But I really think that it would be a good idea to do that anyways, just cuz you never know if he made copies of your keys or things like that.
    If you have anything really valueble that you know he knows about, maybe get it out of your house to somewhere he wouldn't know about, just so it's safe.
    I know I probably sound really super freakishly paranoid, but I've read too many stories of people getting ripped off by bitter room mates and stuff.

    Hopefully nothing happens like that.
    *hugs*

  9. #8
    Senior Member
    Join Date
    May 2004
    Location
    austin, tx
    Posts
    196
    Good for you! People like that have to be dealt with swiftly and directly because they are obviously going to take advantage of you, ignore appropriate social norms....give him the boot but quick and don't feel bad about it! I don't think changing your locks is such an extreme notion either...don't give him the benefit of the doubt any more. You already extended yourselves to him, so don't let him take anything more from you. Uh, literally and figuratively.

  10. #9
    Senior Member
    Join Date
    May 2004
    Location
    Colorado
    Posts
    210
    Oh yeah, I certainly agree with the other ladies; It is talky talky time with brother-in-law. Starring....both of you. Yeah, it's his stepbrother, but it's also your nerves and your house. I think you are brave as hell for taking in such a creature. Not a lot of people willingly take people in. My husband did that for a friend before we were officially dating, and she turned out to be a class A bitch with no manners as well. When I moved in, she was out by the time we got back from a 3 day vacation we took as soon as I got there.

    But yeah, definately talk, or some DIY brain re-wiring if you are feeling super ambitious!!

    Good luck, girl.
    Jennjitsu


 

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