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  1. #21
    ti
    ti is offline
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    I'm finding that people who have issues with your life are often the ones who can't seem to deal with their own issues.

    I made a choice, luckily I have an awesome husband who felt that I could make my own choice. He doesn't have issues with me keeping my maiden name.

    I write, so the sound of my name was important to me. My name was chosen by my parents for various reasons that I felt were really important.

    I did find that a lot of women that I thought were a bit more liberal minded would ask me whether or not I was going to change my name before I got married. I had to train my inlaws to call me by my maiden name but I don't take it as an affront if they happen to call me by my husband's last name.

    I think it all comes down to choice and whatever choice feels right in your heart.

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  3. #22
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    I planned from first grade on to change my name to whatever my future husband's name would be, as long as it wasn't worse than my 11-letter German-like mouthful of a name. When I finally was going to get married, his last name was 4 letters, English, referred to a bird, and was prettier than my old name. I decided I would change my name.

    But I kept putting it off, because I could never seem to make it to the social security office, which is prerequisite to the driver's license place, which is prerequisite to almost everything else (unless I misunderstood the process). After two years of putting it off, I realized that I hadn't put it off solely due to procrastination. It just seemed too strange to change my name; I was Amy Longennamen, not Amie Bird (though it was appealing to only have eight letters total in the name). I didn't feel right, and not because of some familial lineage concern, but because if a name referred to me, it was not the new one.

    To make it even better, his whole family insisted on calling me by my nickname established in fifth grade and abolished in eighth, shortly after meeting them. They learned that my name was Cathy, so upon marriage (seriously 10 years later) began calling me "Cathy Bird".

    Changing my name was a much bigger deal than I had ever thought it would be. I say do what you feel is right. No one but you has a place in the decision, and no one else has to live with it quite so personally. Your boss is overstepping (but probably with the best of intentions).

  4. #23
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    Yeah, I think that your boss was totally rude. To put it mildly, she needs to mind her own beeswax. I think that the whole deal about feminism is choice. You can chose to take his name or not to, but the emphasis is that you have the ability to choose.

    My partner and I have talked about the whole name change thing. I don't want to change my name for a few reasons:

    1. I like my name the way that it is.
    2. It reflects my cultural heiritage (chinese), which I love.
    3. I don't like his family all that much, and neither does he for that matter.
    4. I don't think that it's fair that I have to change mine, and he doesn't.

    So we settled on something that we both are really satisfied with. We're both hyphenating our last names:

    Miss E My Last Name-His Last Name and Mr. R My Last Name-His Last Name.

    But we will both continue to use our maiden names professionally. We're not sure about kids yet, but we have plenty of time to think about that.

    miss e

  5. #24
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    I have a 7 year old cousin whose name is Kalyani Grad-Kaimal. So when she hears her mom introduce her, she hears her name as "Kalyani Grad Hypen Kaimal." Needless to say, when she was asked what her middle name was (as part of a school project) she said "Hypen."

  6. #25
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    I'm getting married in just over a month and I am changing my name. But I feel like I HAVE to mention that I never thought I would. Like I am losing feminsit cred if I change. I realize that it is all MY perception and that no onw is saying that I am a bad feminist for chainging my name...but it still doesn't feel one hundred percent acceptable.

  7. #26
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    i'm a chi girl
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    i don't think it's unfeminist to change your name. or to not change your name. i don't know if i'll change my name if i ever get married. who knows? it depends on how complicated it would make publications, cv, job, etc. ack.
    hope all's going well otherwise with planning and getting ready,
    peanut

  8. #27
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    I agree with everyone who said it's all about choice. It stinks your boss gave you a hard time; it seems to me that on issues of marriage & kids that some people feel like they can chime and say whatever they want, maybe they think they are helping... who knows.

    I kept my maiden name when I got married, and I did get some static from people on that. But it was my decision, and really none of their business. So as infuriating as some of the comments were, I chose to ignore them. I do have a couple family members refer to me as "Alicia HusbandLastName", which bothers me, because I've been married for 5 years and everyone that knows me should know better by now.

    Anyway, congrats on getting married soon!

    SF

  9. #28
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    I didn't change my last name. I've been married for almost 4 years now, and half of my family *still* doesn't call me by my unchanged last name. I even continue to receive birthday checks made out to Rhianna Hislastname. I have to take my marriage license into the bank to cash/deposit those checks so that I can prove that, while the name on the check is different, it's still intended for the same person.

    My father-in-law asked for one of my business cards one day, and when he saw how my name was displayed he remarked, "This is wrong. You need to have them correct your last name." He thought it was an oversight and never considered that it was a conscious choice for me not to change my last name. Eh, whatever. That he would be a little disgruntled about me not taking N.'s last name is bizarre because he is N.'s stepfather and they don't even share the same last name!

    My favorite is when folks assume that my last name is N.'s last name, and call him Mr. Mylastname. It's actually kind of cute.

    We have absolutely NO idea what we'll do if/when it comes to last names for the kiddies.

    But I agree--it's a personal choice. Feminism is about the ability to have and make choices.

  10. #29
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    I did change my last name, but it had nothing to do with feminism or lack thereof, for my situation it was "logical".

    I grew up with a very hard-to-pronounce last name. My mom re-married when I was very young and I'm not in much contact with my dad, no full siblings, so I was the *only* one around with the last name. There was no family connection to it, no sense of ancestry. Plus everyone mis-pronounced it, mis-spelled it, and generally made my life complicated.

    My husband's last name is short, easy to spell, obvious to pronounce, it's a *duh* that way. Never a problem.

    When I do a resume or something, I put both on there. Mostly cause I did alot of work when I was single and wanted to make sure if someone was called for a reference, they would know who I was. But I ditched my maiden name immediately when I got married.

    However, it is truly none of your boss's business. That's a personal decision. I have plenty of friends who opted to keep their maiden name, and I agree with that in theory, it was just in my particular situation I chose to change mine. Feminism is about having the choice.

  11. #30
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    yeah, totally not your bosses business.

    I love my last name, I love my family on my dad's side and the history we have. But at the same time I want to be able to share a last name with my future husband and children - so what to do? It makes me angry that there's no happy medium.


 
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