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  1. #1
    Senior Member
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    Apr 2004
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    Celery City, MI
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    278

    get married, change name, catch hell??

    Hi there. A little rant ahead, thanks in advance for listening.

    I'm getting married in June. And now this dumb girl at work has announced that she is too, "someday" (that is a whole other story but anyway). So we had a group luncheon yesterday and the boss was asking us how our various plans were going, and were we going to change our names.

    The boss is a die-hard, old-school feminist, which most days is a super cool thing to have. But when I told her I planned to change my name she got all weird and started schooling me on how that's giving in to archaic patriarchial blah blah blah. It made me kind of mad, especially when the other dumb girl said she wasn't and the boss was all "good for you" (thumbs-up!). That girl is such an ass-kisser!! God.

    I think it's stupid to believe that I'm actually giving in to archaic patriarchal blah blah blah by making MY OWN CHOICE to change my name. I didn't choose the name I was born with. Why shouldn't I be able to choose this name now? It doesn't automatically signify that I'm somebody's chattel, and I don't ever intend to live like it does! For cripes sake.

    I know there's a whole entire forum on indiebride for this exact issue, but I feel like I know you ladies more and I like the more intimate nature of this board as it is so far. I appreciate your insights too.

    xoxo
    Heidi

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  3. #2
    Senior Member
    Join Date
    Apr 2004
    Posts
    811
    It doesn't matter which surname you use, it's still not a matriarchal lineage. Your choice of a name is a very personal thing. How do you like the sound of either name or combinations of the two? Or maybe something entirely different?

    How does your boy feel? Not that that's paramount, but it may save a lot of headache if he is on board with whatever you decide.

    Many years ago when I married, I changed my surname to my husband's. My family name has a very short and questionable heritage. We don't know what the original name was. My exhusband's family, OTOH, had major genealogy stuff going on. Surnames simply meant more to him. So much so that when I left him, he demanded I change my surname back. But either way, my initials remained the same. That was important to me, while the actual name wasn't.

    It was a pain in the ass to change it both times. Driver license, credit cards, the government, etc. I'll never change it again. If you and I were having lunch and discussing this issue, I'd definitely tell you to consider carefully before changing your name.

    Ass kissing girl simply may like her own family name rather than her boy's. Your boss is a jerk about this one thing.

  4. #3
    Senior Member
    Join Date
    Apr 2004
    Location
    phx, az
    Posts
    686
    I kept my maiden name and my new name for my bylines (kathy cano murillo), but for my day job and bills and stuff it is just kathy murillo. i have a silly reason - i like "murillo" better than "cano". i don't know why, i just like the sound of it! the true thing to do is to handle it the way that you feel most comfortable, whatever makes you happy!

  5. #4
    Senior Member
    Join Date
    Apr 2004
    Location
    New England
    Posts
    809
    First of all, I think it was obnoxious of your boss to lecture you about your name. That's your business and there are plenty of good reasons TO change and and NOT to change it. Plus it wasn't very professional of her to get that extreme about it.

    Anyhoo, I took my husband's name when we married. Luckily no-onw gave me crap about it, b/c picking a fight with a bride-to-be is dangerous!!

    I took it partly b/c we plan to have children and I'd like the whole family to have the same name. But also b/c I just like the sound of his surname better. It's a beautiful name and I wanted it. My maiden name was long and Italian and always getting pronounced or spelled wrong. But the new name doesn't make me feel any less a part of my immediate family.

    No-one has the right to tell you that your choice is wrong or non-feminist. I thought as modern feminists we were supposed to be able to make our own choices!

  6. #5
    Senior Member
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    Apr 2004
    Location
    New York City
    Posts
    519
    hear, hear! feminism is about supporting women to make choices, even if we disagree with them. you should be able to choose any damn name you want. i think there is something very beautiful in taking someone elses name. what a nice sign of your committment and the ties that will bind you for life. i didn't change my name, but that's because i like my name: railla. but now my kid's name is sydney slingsby railla-duncombe. a real mouth-full!

  7. #6
    Senior Member
    Join Date
    Apr 2004
    Location
    New England
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    809
    That's sounds like a name for a cool Harry Potter-esque children's book hero to me.

  8. #7
    Senior Member
    Join Date
    Apr 2004
    Posts
    443
    I think your name change is really none of your boss's business. As for interesting name change anecdotes, I knew a woman with the last name Manly, her husband changed his name to her name b/c he wanted to be "Mr. Manly". I thought that was a real hoot...but he apparently had even more problems than a woman would b/c he had a "maiden" name and there wasn't anywhere on forms for him to specify that alot of times....
    jt

  9. #8
    Junior Member
    Join Date
    Apr 2004
    Posts
    26
    I agree with jean, its all about chioce. as long as you give it some thought and make a concience decision, whatever you do is cool.
    I guess if you change your name because you felt you had no choice and just because you 'should' then I'd have an issue.
    But hey, you life, your name, go for it!
    Just for the record, I changed my name when I got married.

    good luck.
    -gg

  10. #9
    Senior Member
    Join Date
    Apr 2004
    Location
    California
    Posts
    364
    I took my husbands name because it sounds romantic when pronounced correctly and it confuses people as to my nationality!
    Silly I know!

  11. #10
    Senior Member
    Join Date
    Apr 2004
    Location
    92,999,999 miles from the sun & counting
    Posts
    629
    I changed my name when I got married because my husband pitched a pouty whiny fit when he discovered I wasn't planning to. Yeah, I totally caved. I still occasionally feel guilty that I went against one of my most deeply held principles just for the sake of convenience, but the feeling's lessened over time.

    It is convenient. His family name is shorter than mine, and easier for others to pronounce and spell (though the ways people still manage to mangle it never cease to amaze me). Since I live far away from the rest of my family, their name means nothing to anyone around here—I'm not "so&so's daughter" like in my home town. Most of our current friends have only ever known us as A Couple, so they don't even know my own name—which still seems strange to me, but it feels okay.


 
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