Posted by HeatherC on 2006-01-10 13:18:30
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...this woman is her boss, not a neighbor or distant friend. Whatever the poster does may affect the working relationship. This is not the proper time to make judgment on the woman's assumed lack of taste on her room decorations, or prove that one is mature, or give one's theories and speculations on the nature of the afterlife.
I absolutely could not agree with this more. While I think the original poster's intention is nice, it's not an appropriate gesture for a subordinate who's not close to her boss outside of the office.
It's also possible that the grieving mother may want to keep her grief, as much as she can, outside her work environment. Not that she's going to forget her grief while she's at work, but asking her to deal with the emotional burden of processing such a gift is unfair as well as unprofessional.
Bottom line for me: If you're having second thoughts, don't do it. "Heartfelt" doesn't always equal "right," however sincere your intentions.
Posted by anthrogirl on 2006-01-10 09:16:14
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hey, i've also experienced several great losses and have had people say things that came out as insensitive and thoughtless. however, i was also able to put aside my own feelings for long enough to see that everyone has their own collection of experiences and projections, and that the bottom line is, every single person who took the time and had the courage to express something to me had the very best of intentions, even if misguided and not exactly what i needed to hear. i can appreciate their intentions without expecting perfect reactions from everyone.
where would we be if everyone just kept their words and gestures to themselves for fear of not saying or doing exactly the correct thing? sure, grief may include anger at things well-meaning people say in their effort to comfort, but that in no way means that the one offering comfort is wrong for trying. grief IS complicated and anger is a NORMAL part of the process. all kinds of things trigger it, but i don't think it's correct tell someone to withhold their consolation efforts for fear of it not being perfect. at leats she's showing she cares and that's what matters, IMO.
I've been able to put certain things aside also. Most people speak without thinking when they say something upsetting. But just as there is a difference between jokingly and off the cuff saying something and causing hurt feelings, and taking the time to craft a joke that turns out to hurt someone, there is a difference here, too.
I believe the spirit of the gift is wonderful. However, I'm also noting a few things. The original poster is still upset over not being seen as mature. This may be coloring her feelings more than she realizes. Very often, when people act out of their own hurt or guilt or discomfort, they make errors of judgement.
Second, this woman is her boss, not a neighbor or distant friend. Whatever the poster does may affect the working relationship. This is not the proper time to make judgment on the woman's assumed lack of taste on her room decorations, or prove that one is mature, or give one's theories and speculations on the nature of the afterlife. The fact that she's asking for opinions shows that she is thoughtful and mature, and wants advice.
To say that one's instincts are always right, is, well, wrong. They are not always right. That's why we have etiquette books and advice columns. Most of us do things because they are self-serving to some extent, and we tend to act on impulse. And the road to hell, to use an old saw, is paved with good intentions. From everything I have seen, the death of a child is the worst thing anyone can experience, and it's a very sensitive issue. Friendships and marriages have ended over the things said in that first year. While perfection is impossible, sensitivity is not- and I think it would be very sad if this woman, with the best intentions, ended up being seen as someone who was immature and insensitive when she doesn't deserve it. I would wait a year before giving a painting or a story, or at least 6 months. It's a little too soon right now, and quite frankly, there are many other ways in which care could be presently shown. When my husband died, for example, what I needed the most was food, because I forgot to eat. I was truly grateful to people who made sure I ate and kept healthy. A nice crafty basket with snacks, coffee, cocoa mix, and maybe a cheery mug or cup would probably mean a lot right now to this woman, and would directly address the needs of the griever, not the desire to see a prettier office. Would I would do, though, is make an offer of my painting to the boss in a few months, after she's had some time to process what happened to her.
Not everyone is capable of grieving well, and not everyone expresses something with the 'best of intentions'. Some people use death as an excuse to settle scores or show off or curry favor. It sounds like you had a better experience than I did, and better than most people. You're lucky. I had people who wanted everything from details about the autopsy to buttonholing me to tell me all their thoughts about how I could have run the funeral. I still have one woman who needs to tell me about how her dead husband's ghost was at my husband's funeral (my husband didn't like her husband, by the way) and how I should become a spiritualist. Other people told me about how my husband is with Jesus now- he was Jewish/atheist, and pretty obviously so. Someone else claimed to have been his best friend and to have known all his wishes- my husband thought he was a jerk, and this man never came over when I was sitting shiva, even though he lives in my neighborhood and was seen passing my house. I won't walk about the men who felt this was the best time to tell me how they had always lusted for me, or the horrid things my mother said, or go into detail about how my father never bothered to come see me or call me. But when one is getting bombarded by people who have their own agendas, it gets to be a bit much- and at that point, even the simplest kind gestures from acquaintances get magnified, for good or for ill.
