Posted by xuli on 2005-12-21 11:14:31
Post Subject:
*Back to the question twilight brought up of having a discussion of the day-to-day of being childfree with other childfree people ....*
I'm curious if other childfree people would like to discuss how they have approached the issue of not having children with their partners. Was it a decision you came to together? Was it something you had each decided on your own before getting together? Did it cause any conflict?
In my own situation, when I met my partner I was in my early 20s and still assumed I'd have kids one day. (It's really amazing, despite Riot Grrrl and being a radical young feminist and all that, how tightly the belief that I would be a mother someday gripped onto my mind.) He was adamant that he didn't want any, ever. To me this was like a whole new world of possibility had opened before me and while it felt extremely threatening at first, it felt really exciting too. Over several years of thinking through the idea and discusing things with my partner, I came to a shift in my thinking and began to not want kids at all.
Now in his 30s, my partner has started reconsidering his childfree stance and slowly bringing it up with me. I'm not sure what to make of it. We've agreed that we're not in a position to think seriously about even planning to plan a child -- and won't be for another 5-10 years or so -- so we've tabled the discussion. But I do have to admit that it now frightens me that he is even admitting he'd want to consider having kids. I really don't think I could go back to wanting kids. He knows how I feel, and isn't even sure that he really wants them either, but even just the hint of it at this point does make me uncomfortable.
Other random tidbits of note:
My favorite thing about being childfree? No one takes my food! I grew up in a large family without a lot of money, and as a result am viciously territorial about what's on my plate. I don't think I'd do well at all with a kid who interfered with that. (Not saying all do, but many that I know like to help themselves from mommy's plate when they're toddlers.)
My least favorite comment from people with children who want me to have kids? "Oh, but you and Mr. Xuli would make such good parents!" Of course we would. (Well, Mr. Xuli more than me, he's definitely more patient than I am, as well as more into food-sharing.) What's funny is that everyone who says that to me would have been good at doing something other than what they currently do -- would have been a good seamstress, or a good electrician, or a good administrative assistant, or a good surgeon. Doesn't mean they'd have enjoyed it, or that it would have been the best choice for them. Hopefully we're all good at lots of things -- doesn't mean we have to devote our lives to every one of them.
